wall climbing

i was not excited bout wall climbing actually. but after a long long persuation by justina and jessica. i decided to take up the challenge. so we went yesterday to 1u. u know the huge glassy area at the top of the new wing. when we arrived there. oh my goodness. it looked seriously scary. but once u get urself excited...it's quite fun. i might go and try again one day if u ask me. it was quite a waste of money cuz i didnt dare to do much stuff. i think the next time ill be a little bit more daring. hahaha

im feeling a little bummed out cuz i didnt manage to reach the top. or should i say i didnt dare to take an unsure step. hahaha. esp. when ur footing feels abit unstable. then ur mind races and start thinking of scary thoughts. lol. i woke up this morning with my back aching, hands and arms aching. but im very very sure that i wanna go again. lol.

at first we didnt get to go in cuz most of us were first time climbers and inexperienced so they didnt allow. esp. those under 18 who didnt have any siblings/guardian around. so poor suzanne. she couldnt go and enjoy the fun of getting ur body aching. so we(just, jess, suzanne, eva, and me) decided to go and play bowling. while the rest wall climbed. the first game was quite fun. but later we got bored of it. and was so tired of bowling. and it was suzanne's first time playing bowling. so we were acting really stupid and crazy. but after the first game. evelyn said we might be able to go climbing. so we decided to go and register. cuz there's loads of complications esp. if ur under 18.

well, the place was super nice. the designs, the toilets everything looks super chun wei. haha. and to tell u the truth. there was a few leng chais. somemore they're like mix or pure guai lou's. hahaa. there was little kids there too. and they climbed further than me man. i was seriously damn malufied. hahaha. and of course more daring than me.

so after that. a few of us went to william's. i've been there before. but i didnt eat or drink anything. was abit shy at that time. so anyway, we drank this drink called ribena with longan. it was superb! i've never tasted anything like that. ahaha. and the food there has weird names and all. really enjoyed myself yesterday even though we made a fool of ourselves. which is not a surprise actually. hahaa. and of course had a little exercise. haha. so ppl go and check out the wall climbing place. it's called camp5. super chun name too. haha.

*i still*

who are u now?
are u still the same
or did u change somehow?
what do u do
at this very moment when i think of u?
and when im looking back
how we were young and stupid
do u remember that?

no matter how i fight it
cant deny it
just cant let u go

i still need u
i still care about u
though everything's been said and done
i still feel u
like im right beside u
but still no word from u

now look at me
instead of moving on, i refuse to see
that i keep coming back
and im stuck in a moment
that wasnt meant to last

wish i could find u
just like how u found me
then i would never let u go

*all i am*

in to ur hands
i commit again
with all i am
for u Lord

You hold my world
in the palm of Your hands
and i am Yours forever

Jesus i believe in You
Jesus i belong to You
You're the reason that i live
the reason that i sing
with all i am

ill walk with You
wherever Your go
through tears and joy
ill trust in You

and i will live
in all of Your ways
Your promises forever

yf camp 2005

yf camp 2005 was the greatest camp! i dont mean that the other camps that i went wasnt great. but this was better. u wanna know why? hmmm. firstly, i was the dorm leader. for the first time!!! yeahhhh!!! was a really really great time! though sometimes kind of hard to love the naughty ones. but i've gotta learn to love. cuz ps. nirhal(camp speaker) prophesied that when he prayed for me. he keeps seeing the word love. and that God will wash out the rest and place love in my life. so i guess i gotta learn to love the ppl of God huh. anyways, i was also the backup singer...for the first time. it was super cool too. was kind of nervous at the beginning but i was okay. since i've worship lead before. and of course we took tons of pictures. i guess another thing that was diff this year was that i needed to wake up earlier than the other campers. to pray and all. wasnt used to it on the first night cuz one of my dorm member had asthma. so after the games she couldnt really breathe properly. but was okay...until night time. around 4 something in the morning she woke me up saying she couldnt breathe. at first i was really reluctant to get up. i wanted more sleep. but once she said that she couldnt breathe. i straight away got up and called delz. though i had headache and i couldnt walk properly. but managed to stay silent and didnt wake up the rest of them. hahaa. i've learnt lots of stuff in camp. for example...patience, tolerance, love, kindness, perseverance. but of course im not perfect yet. i still have my weaknesses. sometimes i really try to be patient and not burst. but i cant help it la. i guess i still need to practice the breathing in and breathing out first. hahaha. so anyway.. some of the pictures from camp.

li ann&just&me

li ann&delz(my cg leader)&mich(my cousie)&just&me

gonna miss just & jess!

they left for aussie. not permanently. thank God. but i cant see them for like 1 week. boo hoo. aw man. if i miss just now. when she's only gone for bout 9-10 days. i wonder how ill feel when it's time for her to go back there again. when her hols end and all. aw man. i can understand her feeling la. cuz now we're all close again. i guess the feeling of the first departure will happen again in feb. anyway, take care dear!!! have tons and tons of fun! cant wait till u come back! =)

taken in yf camp 2005! this is justea sayang!

more pictures from vbs

im helping the kids. but delz is doing her own. hehe

deco-ing. super tiring. but fun. hehe

genting trip

on the 22nd of nov, me, just, mich, and andrew went up to genting. u might be wondering why in the world did we wanna go to genting. well, andrew had to work up there. so mich, just, and me went up there purely for fun. eheh. cuz on sunday when i had this dinner thingy in jared's house for his son, mich asked whether i wanna go. so we went up there. went on tons of rides. did really really silly things. scream to our heart's satisfaction. and of course TOOK TONS AND TONS OF PICTURES!!!! hahaha. u might have seen some of them in my friendster di. but to those who doesnt have friendster or doesnt visit friendster often. im gonna show some of em here. =) i dont have much to say bout the trips. cuz the pictures says it all. hehe

reading the map just in case we get lost =)

in the motion master place. just before it started =)

waiting in line for an indoor roller coaster ride

having our lunch in coffeebean.

on the ferris wheel. sighh. too bad. there wasnt any leng chai's who climb up and ask us out. haha

my graduation ceremony

on the 20th of nov, i had my awards night. and i had the ceremony. it felt weird wearing the gown. it felt so heavy on my shoulders. like it was going to drag me down to the ground. ahahha. but it was horrible. the whole awards night was a bore. except some parts. that is when i received an award. i was super surprised! i was shocked! when they called my name to go and receive an award, i was like terrified. i didnt know what to do. then my friend who was next to me shouted at my ear that i should be going up there. then only my legs started to move. i was sooooo shocked. hahaa. cuz my teacher just ask me and 2 of my other friends to go out in front there and she said she needed help. so we were at the backstage playing around then we had to follow our teacher to the front there la. so we were waiting and waiting. and we were trying so hard to peek at the paper that contains the names of those who are getting the awards. haha. this year was the first time i got an award after 5 years of studying in homeschooling. and this year was also the first time i did the most books in 5 years. haha. and i did more than my friends in my old school u know. ahahah. can u believe it? muahahahhaa. just joking just joking =) im showing some pictures only. cuz the rest looks horrible. hehe

me and my dad

jasmine and me

my happenings. hehe

i know that it has been a while since i've blogged.. so here's a little update.. =)

on the 17th-19th nov, i had vbs in my church. so i was the crew leader who didnt have an assistant whereas the rest had. i guess they thought im some strong and firm person who can handle kids. this was the first time i had to handle kids of several ages. hahaa. i think. anyway, after the first day, i really couldnt stand it anymore. cuz the kids was like so naughty. esp. the 2 boys. therefore, they decided to give me an assistant. and after having him as my assistant, i didnt have so much trouble di since the guys was like sticking to him. so it was okay. ehhee. so here's a picture of me and my assistant =)

zhen bon and me =)

*dont pass me by*

my heart it longs
my soul it thirts for more
for more of YOU
im reaching out
im waiting here for more
for more of YOU

cuz all i want is YOU
and all i need
is to be here with YOU

im hungry for YOUR fire
im desperate YOUR my one desire
Jesus please dont pass me by
cuz i need YOU
more than ever
im thirsty for a touch from heaven
Jesus please dont pass me by

my heart it longs
my soul it thirsts for more
for more of YOU
cuz all i want is YOU
and all i need
is to be here with YOU

dont pass me by Lord
im desperate for YOU
dont pass me by Lord
im desperate for YOU

missing the conference

i woke up today. feeling so lonely and missing the conference. it just passed by super fast. like now im thinking what we might be doing if we're in the conference. i miss the conference SOOO much. not just the music, not just the sermons...but i miss the moments, the memories, the closeness to God and of course i miss my friends. cuz i seldom get to see them. we're all like so busy and all. many things are happening in each of our lives. i miss going crazy with them. doing silly things. i wouldn't trade their friendship for anything.

but i tell u that now i feel closer to God. i hope this is not for the moment kind of thing. which is very common in my life. i dont want this passion to end. but on the other hand, i keep letting satan to put a foot in my life. i've learn that i should learn to stand up and not let satan to pacify(or however u spell it) me. i dont want him to give me the fake one and keep me away from the real thing which is God and His love and His promises. this conference has really taught me alot of things. i've learn to worship God more, keep Him connected in my life, and staying strong for God. i made this connection with God that made me feel like i dont want to depart from His presence. He gives the peace that makes u feel whole and worthy to be loved.

planet shakersssss is in town weiiii!!!!!!

woooohoooooo!!!! here comes another 3 days of conference for me. i could remember preparing for the conference last year, remember talking bout the life changing experiences, remember all the fun and all the stuff that happened....and i cant believe that time has past so fast!!!! it's like in a blink of an eye...here comes the conference again. like another year has gone past.

this is the time of the year where ill ask myself what have i done with my year. i guess i can say i have accomplish much much more than last year. but it's still not enough. there are some things which i have not overcome or accomplish yet. and i hope i could do it and move on to another goal/challenge u know. hehe.

so anyway, i guess i wont be posting for 3 days. lol. but i seldom post now a days. have not been updating cuz there's no reason for me to do so.

my jungle trekking adventure

on friday, me, ginie, eugene, and one of their friend went for jungle trekking in FRIM. hahahaa. just thinking bout it makes me laugh. even though it was a very very very very VERY painful adventure. but it was quite fun. cuz it made me feel quite good when i reached the top and was walking down. though it was quite scary coming down. hahaha. all the sweating and all made me feel happy cuz that means i've burned some fats. but i drank coke and ate sweets after that. so i guess it put on the fats that i burned. cis cis! but remind me not to eat breakfast the next time i go for jungle trekking. hahaha. cuz i kind of left a memory there. like marked my territory. ahaha. now when i think back, i think i feel quite embarassed. cuz emmmm. i puked in front of a person that i met the first time. i wonder what he'll think of me. i think he'll think twice next time. hahaha. i didnt have time to look at the scenery cuz mostly i was concentrating on finishing the whole entire journey. i really wished there were a helicopter to come to my rescue. haahha. i really felt like i couldnt go on. but after puking, ahhahaha, i had the strength to continue on the journey. hahaa. weird eh. but it was a fun time la. now i know im really out of shape cuz even a grandma can walk up so high. and im like so out of breath. hahaha. i should be ashamed of myself. hahaa. i wanted to go next time. but when i heard that the leechs can jump up, i think i've changed my mind. hahaa. i've decided that ill go road trekking. that way i wont have any leechs jumping and craving for my blood. hahaha.

something that lightened up my day =)

Be joyful always;
pray continually;
give thanks in all circumstances
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

been reminded again and again of this verse
if u guys have noticed my last few posts
i've been complaining and being sad and all
but i fail to give thanks to God
failed to give thanks in all circumstances..
which i have been trying to tell myself to do

consider it pure joy, my brothers,
whenever u face trials of many kinds,
because u know that the testing of ur faith develops perseverance
perseverance must finish its work so that
u may be mature and complete,
not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)

praise be to God
and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion
and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

my sad thoughts

why am i so foolish,
why am i so dumb,
he's too selfish,
and that makes me numb.
how do i forget bout the past,
how do i move on,
i want to forget him fast,
and i want the feelings to be gone.
i dont mean anything to him anymore,
my heart really tore,
ever since he walked out the door.

why did we become like this?
why did things change?
i want to be filled with blissfulness,
but i feel like im stuck in a cage.
memories start to race in my mind,
wishing that we'll go back in time,
where i was in ur heart and mind.
all i can do now is wish and hope,
that with God i can cope,
every heart break and every tear.
i know that one day ill understand,
cuz the answers is in God's hand,
and i know i will stand,
with God hand in hand.

feelings come and go,
leaving me all torn up inside,
i dont know what i want to do,
whether to stay or go.
i know i should be leaving,
i know i shouldnt be staying,
but i cant bear going,
all i can do is continue praying,
that me and him are meant to be.

i need strength,
i need God's joy,
i want to give thanks in every circumstance,
i dont want the situation to control my emotions
but i seem to give in no matter what.
he tells me that he's interested with someone else,
and that he wants to do this and that for her
and here i am
trying to be happy for him
trying to wish him all the best with her
even though it may break my heart
again and again

i sat in the car
staring out the window
staring at the things passing by
wishing that my sadness could just fade away
wishing that my heart will never break
for the same person ever again
wishing that i could scream all my hurt away
wishing that i could move on like he did
wishing that we are meant to be
wishing that we would have another chance
a chance where it would last till death do us part

i really wish for his happiness,
i really want him to be happy
to have the girl of his dreams
but at the same time
im very sad that
he didnt choose me
i wouldnt know what the future brings
i wish i knew
i wish i had the answers to everything
but i've learn that
trials help us to be who God wants us to be
without trials...
there will be no perseverance

does anyone care?

i feel like im the person whom one goes to when one doesnt have any other friends there. like if ur good friend is not around....go to esther. if there's no one to talk to....go to esther. if good friend is around. dont need to care bout esther. need someone to spend time with. dont need to care bout esther. im like the person on the bleachers. sitting there waiting for someone who needs me. someone who wants to be my friend. someone who wants to talk to me and spend time with me. someone who listens to me. someone who cares bout me. someone who is there, who is willing to share my ups and downs with. im not saying that i dont think God is with me. or i dont think that He's enough. all im saying is that i feel unwanted. nobody wants to spend time with me. everybody comes to me only when there's no one else to go to. like im the last resort. no one cares bout me. it's so simple to say "ohh. if u're feeling that way. go to God. always go to God." i dont want any sunday school answers. i have enough of all those sunday school answers. i get so fed up of this life. sometimes i feel like giving up.

i know that God is there for me. i know that He's always there to listen to me and to care for me. but why am i still feeling this way? dont i have a relationship with Him? dont i believe in Him? dont i trust Him to be there for me? i sometimes wonder... that if im gone. would anyone notice? would anyone care? would anyone grieve?

people who once were my friends
now seem so far away
it's like we dont know each other anymore
it's like we're strangers again
waiting to cross paths
no longer talking
no longer having anything in common
no longer sharing the same jokes
no longer keeping in touch
no longer creating memories
no longer spend time with each other

everything that's left is
scars, differences, changes,
memories, tears, loneliness
what happened to our friendships?
what happened to staying close?
what happened to keeping in touch?
what happened to the things we shared?
what happened to the crazy laughters?
what happened to the crazy moments?
what happened to the crazy things that we did?

why must changes occur?
why must we go our separate ways?
isit to make us matured?
isit to make us move on?
isit to make us see the differences of each other?
isit to make us change too?
isit to make us meet other ppl in the world?
isit for the better?

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

lalalaa. im super super bored. and when im bored....aw man. u wouldnt want that. cuz my mind will start thinking and missing someone. so i choose not to be bored. that's why im updating my blog. havent been writing lately cuz i dont know what to write. lol. cuz there's no word that can explain how i feel. sigh.

anyways, i've recounted my books. and i have around 15 more books to go. not counting the books that im doing now. so i think i can graduate this year. like literally graduate. then hopefully i can work in my school for a few months first then only i go to college. cuz i dont want to go to college so soon. maybe around mid next year ill consider but not early next year. definitely not. i wanna have some fun first mannn.. hahaha. many ppl told me to study hard and play later. but i would like to do both at the same time. hehe.

*photo*

a photo can say a thousand things
but it cant say a million things that i wanna say
a photo can capture the way we were
but it cant capture the way we are
cause ur far away
what it's like to know u
what it's like to love u

when u told me that u loved me
were those just words
u cant tell me u dont need me
and i know that hurts
cause im looking at ur picture
cause it's all ive got
maybe one day
u and me will have one more shot

timing lost minutes and moments
and i might be a lonely girl
but im not afraid
in a second
it all comes right back to me
nothing's forgotten now
yeah everything's saved

u were my life
u were my faith
u gave me hope everyday

-----------------------------------------------------


i thought i couldnt move on
but with God's strength i could move on
i thought that without u
my world falls apart
but heyyy.
my world is still in tact
i thought i couldnt do many things
i thought i couldnt get over u
but slowly slowly
everything seems to fade away
even though there's still
goosebumps, butterflies
sweaty palms, heart pounding
but i know that one day
i can treat u as a normal friend again
we will never know what the future brings
but why should we concentrate on the future
when the present is more important

i cant say that ive completely moved on
but i can say that im slowly letting go
i cant say that i dont love u anymore
but i can say that u have a special place in my heart
i cant say that im full of joy and happiness
but i know that one day ill be
i cant say i know the future
but i know my future is in God's hands

i used to think
whenever i face crossed roads
that my world will end
but now..
i realize that
with God's strength i can do more things
if i make it a point
to turn to God
instead of trying to fix it on my own
everything will not be as bad as it seems

i sure hope to know bout the future
but i guess we have to have faith in God
we might think this one is the best
but maybe God has something way better
i used to focus so much on my problems
thinking that they're the biggest problems
but when i turn my focus
to other people's problems
i realize that my problem is not so big after all
sometimes we tend to magnify our problems
but actually it's just a small little ant

thought of the day

as i close my eyes to sleep,
tears trickle down my cheek.
i scream, i shout,
but no one hears me out.
my heart longs for him,
every sec, every min.
i wonder what God has in store for me,
i wish i could see.
i pray for me and u,
that one day u would love me too.

i wish that u'll love me,
and we'll be happy as can be.
i want u to be by my side,
everyday and every night.
why did u go away,
must it really be this way?

nice?!

is this new skin nice? i kind of give up on the old one. i love the old one.. its just that it's very hard with the fonts and all. getting irritated diii. haha. so decided to change to one that is not so complicated. haha.

well, i have nothing much to update. nothing extraordinary is going on with my life right. i think la. at the moment i have nothing much to say. ehehe. oh yeah oh yeah. i just dyed my hair today. i was suppose to do it in 1u. cuz they have this promotion thingy. so they are doing it for free if u buy 2 boxes of dye. but the thing is that only 1 person can do it. so i was supposed to do it there. but when saturday came, i was too shy. i mean harloooo. they're having the promotion at the center of the mall u know. do u think im that crazy??? haha. so i let my mum to go there and do and she did it for me today. shucks! i hope my school dont notice. cuz last time i dyed a lighter color than this current one but its only like highlights. but now its like the whole head. shucks! i hope my teacher's dont notice. haha. but as i look at it more often. it looks quite natural la. but hahaha. do u think my teacher's have eye problem? lol.

im still trying really hard to move on. but its not working. i dont know why la. maybe im thinking too much or something. sheesh. dont know laa. trying to stop myself from thinking too much. dont want to be sad anymore. sometimes i feel no matter how much i scream and shout. i dont think anyone can hear my cry. i dont think anyone can feel my pain. besides God la. haha. but knowing that God knows is good enough for me. cuz He can do everything and man can fail us. we shouldnt depend on man too much cuz they can fail us. but God will never ever fail us. He'll have faith even when we are faithless. i really wish i have a child-like faith. it's so simple. i wish i dont need to doubt or have the unworthy feeling. that really sucks!

i went to watch the cave with my friends(miss them sooo much!). warning: DO NOT WATCH THE CAVE! i never thought of watching it actually. but when we all decided to watch the cave. i dont know what has gotten into uss. haha. it really really sucked. like no other movie has ever sucked that much. i almost fell asleep u know. thank God eden was there with me. me and her was like laughing at the movie and insulting and all. the show is like darn darn darn waste of time and money. but it's okay. as long as i manage to meet up with my long lost friends and catch up with them. have a laugh with them which i had never laugh that much for such a long long time. i certainly enjoyed their company. always & forever! hehe.

*shine on*

this is how i feel. he has moved on further than me. and im still right here. hurting. feeling the pain. reminiscing bout the past. thinking too much. there's so much cuts and bruises. i dont know how what to do but lean on God. and pray for his happiness. pray for showers of blessing on him. even if he's not meant for me, i pray that he'll find the girl of his dreams. a person who'll be by his side and love him as much as i love him.




i've given every moment i had
still i can never seem to keep up with u
ur done with one mile, and on to another one thousand
still i could never seem to keep up with u

i know u'll be better off without me when im gone
u know u can make it
u know u can

shine on
u were made to shine on
and u know i love u
even if we can or cant be friends ill be with u till the very end
shine on
u were made to

its keeping me awake every night
but i can never seem to give up on u

the joy of the Lord is my strength

the joy that i have in my heart right now is uncontainable. i've never felt this way before. i mean like im not this passionate for God. this past few days...God kept reminding me bout my relationship with HIm. and i admit that i've been remaining in square one for quite some time. like what i told delicia...i feel like im taking 3 steps forward but 4 steps back. but after today...i've finally decided that i want to be a difference for God...no matter how stupid i may look or be. as long as im doing it for God...no problem! cuz sometimes..whenever i want to do something. there's this voice in me that discourages me telling me that i cant do any of those and ill make a fool out of myself. but after having a chat with andrew just now while he was sending me back after practice. i think im ready to take a step forward and begin to do something beyond my imagination. with God's strength and His help, i can do anything! as long as its for Him la. hehe. im tired of staying in my ugly lil square one. tired of being the person who's not doing much in church. its not helping me in growing in God anyway. i realized that if i keep doing the same things over and over again...ill never ever grow. cuz if i want to grow, i need to do things to make myself grow. i cant just sit down and tell myself. okay! i want to grow now! and ill straight away grow. i need to do things to make myself grow. that's why i've come to my conclusion that i need to be doing things in order to grow and not just sit on my bumbum and leave all the work to God alone. its a 2-way thing. like for example.. u cant just pray to pass ur exams. u need to do ur part and study right. so in the same way...u need to do ur part in order to grow! like this song that we sing in the cradle roll class. "read ur Bible, pray everyday and u'll grow, grow, grow" sometimes ull feel lazy and all to read and pray everyday. but like what eng kok said today..that if we do anything in the spirit..we're not using our own strength.

new design!

im so happy with this new design!!! love it soo soo much!!!! it suits me right?? my PINK PINK WORLD!!! hahaha

[the rain may be pouring...but the sun will soon shine!]

i cant say that i've moved on. i cant stay that im still at the same point. i cant say much bout me right now. i dont know what's going on in my mind now a days. im still trying to understand why life's like that....but i guess we have to just trust God huh? isnt it funny when we know all the answers to our questions......and we're still looking around and waiting..waiting for the answer to come and smack us in the face. but actually the answer is right in our minds..in our hearts.. u might wonder why i say the answer comes and smack us in the face. well, like the story of the guy stuck on the roof cuz it is flooded and he's asking God for help. then came the boat and helicopter coming to help him but he insisted on waiting for God to help him...when it is obvious that God is already helping him. i admit that i wait around for this HUGE, BIG BANG from God telling me what to do and all. telling me the answer in some miraculous way. many a times it is easier to look at the negative side and be depressed and fret bout everything than being strong and holding on to God's promises. sometimes i wonder why i can advise other ppl to do things for God and all. but i cant tell the same thing to me. isnt it easier to look at other ppl's splinter in the eye but fail to see the plank in our own eyes. its easier to see the flaws in other ppl than in ourselves. in our minds we make ppl look inferior to make ourselves feel good. and well..i cant say that i have a conclusion to my pointless gabble but this is what is going on in my mind. just wanted to write out my thoughts and feelings. this is only like 1/3 of what's in my mind.

helppppp!!! hahaha

help meee! im back into the hate-studying mode. i was okay for a while and i managed to do 12 books in a month. i was kinda amazed when i saw my teacher's chart(this chart where they record every month to see who is slacking). last term i only did like 10 books. but the recent termmmm.....i did 30!!!!! can u believe it???!!! hehe. thank God! i was visiting my teacher yesterday, and she said that im like confirmed to attend the graduation ceremony thingy. i dont really want to attend since its just a ceremony..as long as i get my transcript then ill destroy the school then ill leave. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!! that was our plan last time. but nowww..things have changed so much. i guess God wanted to separate us so that we wont continue our very very "evil" plan. lol. and now. i dont even want to study at all man. well, at least i study in school. but once i get home its like....*throws bag away* so ill never get to see it ever again! *evil grin* but too bad. i cant do that. then ill be wasting my parents money. sighhhh. so i really really need to get back in the studying mode so that i can finish my books by the end of this year. cuz i only have like 20+ books. but as my lvl go higher...i heard it gets tougher...soooooo. not a good thing to graduate after all. hahha. just joking. i was planning to take next few months off to work in my school cuz they pay quite good for sitting and bumming around. i hope my mum changes her mind. cuz im not very sure whether i want to do mass comm then go deeper into a particular course. im not even sure whether i want to do video editting or become a photographer. i dont even know. and when she keeps forcing me to go and see the counselor and sign up(since the intake ends this month), the more i dont want to do mass comm. last time i was so sure im gonna do mass comm...but now...i dont want. i want to take a few months off and work and earn money while i start thinking bout my future. i dont want to just jump into something and realize suddenly that i dont want to take that course at all. then ill be wasting my time and my parents money. which is not a good thing. so pray that either my mum will let me take a few months off or pray that i could find out what i wanna do next time. i know i shouldnt fret bout this...but my mum is pushing me very badly di. maybe to u guys u may feel like aiyahhh. she's just suggesting for u. but to me...(cuz she never has done this before) she's like suffocating meeeeee. and the more she suffocates me with what im suppose to do the more i dont want to do it.. ughhhh! sigh. i dont know la. why cant i just take a few months off and earn some money. somemore ill be able to teach in a place where im quite familiar with. arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! *pulls hair* so so geram-ted. haha. if there is such a word =) *angelic grin*

most memorable day

i know if justina is reading this..she's gonna kill me. i was just sitting around and chatting with her. and when i look at the clock, i realize today is sept the 6th. and back when i was 14 until now..this date is very very important to me. i treasure this date so much. i sit around and reminiscence bout the very date where someone asked me a very "important" question(well, not as important as proposing) but it was like a turning point in my life. i was so happy that day. i could still remember everything that happened that day...from nervousness to our shyness to commitment to our laughter to holding each other gaze's(instead of watching the movie) to having each other in one's life. i could even remember when we admitted to one another that we love each other. it was like a normal night..chatting nonchalantly and all of a sudden we got into this topic of who likes who and all...and before i knew it. we were confessing to each other that we liked each other...and from then on. it was like walking on cloud 9. during the day time it felt like a dream and during night. it felt like "wow! i was living my dream!" ahaha. that kinda thing. it has been 3-4 years now(dont really know how to count years. like whether u count that year itself. but oh well), and i cant believe that time passed this fast. now we're quite good friends. and im quite glad since i hear many ppl dont get along well after u know....emm...not seeing each other. and i guess those who have read my blogs would know that im still having hope in this relationship in the future. im really praying that God would make our paths cross again u know. u may wonder why i dont want someone better that God has in store for me. well, i dont know tooo. i dont have an answer for u. i guess i can answer that in the future...when i've learnt why i had to go through this and feeling this kind of thing. i guess its really true what they say...that the first love is the deepest. and both of us had invested sooo much in that relationship that we once had. he was the guy who i really thought we would really end up forever. i know it sounds kind of childish. but........sighhh. i dont know la. arghhhh. i better stop thinking bout this before i end up in a depressed mode again. and i definitely do not want that. i've got to learn self control. cuz i dont want to lose something so precious in my life.

*you're the only place*

seems like our love is on the road to nowhere fast
all my life i thought a love like this would last
but every road can hide every corner we cant see
i had a vision that i woke up by ur side
i felt ur breathing
but who controls love's destiny
not me
we had it all right in our hands

and so im calling out
ur the only one
who can save us from what we've done
that dont leave me hanging on
im reaching out and praying u'd come back again
its just darkness im living in
and ur the only place my heart has ever been

maybe im longing in a way of love naive
maybe im desperate for a reason to believe
there wasnt any way that i thought we could fall
ive seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
ive seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
but loving u i thought was greater than them all
and we had it all, just u and me
and there's no doorway to my heart without a key
wherever u are right now, come back and show me how u feel
because im lost without u here

*on and on*

when the darkness finds the night
my heart still beat for u
in ur eyes i see the lie
what can i do, ill try my best to walk away
so i dont have to feel the pain
it goes on and on, on and on
and this emptiness i feel goes on and on
as i cry myself to sleep i cant go on
when this love i feel for u is so strong
why cant i feel ur heartbeat next to mine
the way it used to be
i love that purpose that is so right
i need u to see that i've try my best to walk away
but i cant just ignore the pain
it goes on and on

lazing around

hmmm. im still having holidays while the students around are going to school and all. kind of a good thing cuz i have a longer holiday but bad cuz i dont really like doing work at home. so i guess im gonna prepare myself for scolding when i go back to school. heheh. but at least i know that ill be able to graduate this year but i need to stay back a few months next year that is if i dont finish all my books this year. but still get to attend my "big" graduation this year.

i havent blog for a long time. kinda lazy to do so. been sleeping, lazing around, watching tv, playing Sims 2, and reading the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson. kinda nice when it reaches the romance part but besides that....kinda predictable. trying to find a good book that ill never be able to put down till i finish it. hehe. didnt know i love to read so much until i borrowed this book called Confessions of a Shopoholic. it was a book that i couldnt put down till i got the satisfaction of finishing it and know the ending but kind of frustrated while reading the book cuz of the lies that she needed to cover up another. but it was a great book to read. lol.

i have stop driving for a while. not so crazy over it BECAUSE (before anyone of u said i told u so) i drove to church one day. thinking that im quite good already and proving my father wrong that i need him to supervise me for a while. everything went wrong and he was scolding me and babbling ever since i step into the car. ugh! wrong move in driving alone with him. so after that incident. i've lost my interest in driving WHEN..only when..my father is in the car. i LOVE to drive only if he's not in the car with me. i would rather not drive if he'll be beside me. but i think i've complained too much to my mum and i think she talked to my dad. so now when he seats beside me. he kind of shut up and only warn me at appropriate times. hehe. i guess we both need to compromise with each other.

why?

am i such a bad friend that ppl treat me that way? do i treat them badly that's why they treat my back that way? i tried to follow the bible..doing other ppl good so that they treat me back the same way i treat them. but do i treat them so badly? i treat them as good friends, forgetting myself and helping them and all. but they do that to me? nooooooooo. instead they let go their anger on me, let go their frustration on me, say things that hurt me. maybe they dont know that they were hurting me. maybe la. maybe im too sensitive. i just feel so depressed..so down. bahhhhhhhh. whatever la. sighhhhh

so ppl. if i have hurt u in anyway..pls tell me or if u dont want to tell me in person. post a comment here kay?

depressed..gotta move on

how do i end this lonely feeling?
how do i end my endless thoughts?
how do i go on?
how do i move on?
how do i grow out of this?
does loving someone means u want the best for the other person?
how do u feel better when that person has found another girl?
how do u feel better when u see that person having another girl in his arms besides u?
how do u feel better when the person tells u that he cant have a relationship but ends up with another girl the next minute?
where do i go?
what do i do?
how do i make my life better?
how do i make myself happier?
how do i let out my thoughts and feelings?
how i wish i can just tell the person how i feel..
how do i not love that person?
how do i let my memories be my past?
how do i let go of my past?
how do i face the fact that its all gone?
how do i not miss u when u are gone?
how can i have dreams without u in it?
how could i have u one minute and let u go the next?
how do i be brave and go on?
what do i tell my heart?
when do i not want u here in my arms?
how does one walks away from all of the memories?
how do u not cry when all the hurt is inside?
how do u not end up with depression?
what is love? when u get hurt cuz of it...
can u be a better person cuz of love?
how do i return to the days where i can feel his love again?
how do i keep some things the same?
can i make it through?

*how to deal*

how do u cope when
the one u love is with somebody else
and there's nothing u can do about it
how do i deal with
the fact that u had a chance
but u chose to turn away cuz of restrictions
i gotta take it through though its heart breaking
its something we had to do
but nobody said that it would hurt so bad
so how do i live..how do i deal without u

its killing me to know
that ur heart's here with me
but ur with her cuz we chose
to follow the rules
but this is the life that i was given
so i have to live it to the fullest
but how do i deal in the mean time without u

hehehe.. PINK AGAIN!

u must be wondering why i change back to this template. i kinda miss this template actually. cuz i was checking to see whether my dear ketua biri biri a.k.a delicia ng ly-ann a.k.a miss ng is still having her blog. and i saw her template was this pink one. and i miss having this pink template. guess andrew have to see this medicine color again huh. hehehe. if he's still reading this la. muahahahahaha

lonely world

all my close friends have now become strangers. now i need to hear from other ppl about them. ppl who is not even close to them...knows more than me. can u believe it? i know friendships needs a 2-way thing. i know its partly my fault for not keeping in touch with them. but well, all i can do now is thank God that He made our paths crossed. now i pray that one day God will make our paths cross again. if its His will la. im very thankful and grateful that He made our paths crossed at least for a period of my teenage years. they encourage me to grow up in a God's way and not other. but just deep down inside i really wish and hope that we still remain close friends. but i guess its God's choice...whether He wants us to remain friends or not when we have changed paths. i know its hard to keep friendships..but i really wished that it didnt end so fast. at least we still meet up for birthdays. but still....its all soooo soooo sooooooooo different. why cant everything still remain the same? i mean our friendship and all. i could still remember everything that we have shared and the times that we've grown up together. imagine u see each other more often than anyone else and u see each other grow physically and spiritually matured. its like all of us took steps of faith together..hand-by-hand..heart-by-heart. and now..all of a sudden..everything has changed. no more the usual outings. no more the usual chit chats. no more the usual craps. no more the usual heart-to-heart conversations. no more seeing each other grow. no more the usual arguements with teacher or one another. no more backing up each other. no more encouraging each other. and the worse of all. no longer talk to or see each other. no moreeee! ughh! i think i shall stop here. this is making me more depressed when i start to remember everything that has passed by like a dream. it just zoom past

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUNGU AH WONG!!!!

to my dearest dungu ah wong.. i wanna wish HAPPY BIRTHDAY to miss natalie. i dont think she'll be reading my blog. but what the heck. i miss her loads cuz she's in new zealand to further her studies. she's gonna be back in 3 years time or even later cuz she might wanna work there for a while. this is one girl whom i always go out with when all of my other friends deserted me. that's why after she left, i seldom go out cuz there's very few ppl who i hang out with. and i learned how to play mahjong and become a crazy mahjong addict with her, talk on the phone for hours, go shopping, meet strangers, shared stuffs with, go redbox with her, she was the first one who brought me to my first "outing", learned loads of stuff from her(charlie-ing and all) haha, do silly things in the car with her (now now.. dont think some weird things. haha), and of course went and "pak tor" with her. and dont think that we're les here. its just we do lots of things together. ahhaa. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT!!! take care of urself in new zealand. dont be even more dungu! haha.

dont know what to do anymore

this is my new blog look.. i hope u guys like it.. i kinda like it.. although i wish it was pink. lolz. hahaha. but i like the 2 rabbits at the end of it. super super cute eh. hehe

there are days where im so happy at where i am. at how far i have gone through. but whenever i get depressed, i seem to forget everything. nothing else mattered besides the problem and sadness that im having. have u ever go through such things? its like everyday...i ask myself what have i done wrong. am i not good enough? why did he moved on and forget bout the promise we made. but i think that sometimes we need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason..for the good of those that loves God. maybe God has something way way better in store for us. that's what my friends always say. that He has a better one for me than this "blind" guy that im not letting go. haha. dont know.

friends.. u have hi-bye friends-to-friends that u go to for help-to-good friends whom u talk to often-to-close friends whom u share everything with-to-bestfriends.. have u ever had this bunch of close friends that u guys do pretty much everything together and that u've spent like almost more than half of ur teenage days together. seeing each other in school each day or the times where u get to go out. doing silly things together. hanging out or lepaking together. plan ur future together. even wanting to go to the same country to study so that we all can stay together and continue our lives together. seeing each other grow spiritually and of course more matured. plan outings together, plan dinner and parties together. but all of a sudden. everything changes. u no longer keep in contact with them and the only time u talk to them is like NEVER. its like all of a sudden ur close friends have become hi-bye friends. u dont go and catch a movie with them or even have lunch or dinner together. no longer call each other or even chat online. no longer do things together. its like being strangers already. i guess guy-guy friends can keep in touch way way better since they play football or futsal together. but what about girl-girl friends or girl-guy friends. what bout them? u have more friends and move on to different schools, different lifes. dont u think ur friendship with them are in the past di. like everything has changed. i just feel really sad la. why dont some things remain the same? why must things change? isit for the better? isit for our own good that things changed? if this happens when i went to a different school. what will happen when all of us have graduated and gone of to college or worse. some of us may even stay back a little longer. what will happen then? will we still keep in touch since now we dont keep in touch. then what's the point of having friends? why dont we just call them strangers whom we have crossed paths with during a point of our lifes and they have made a few footprints in our life. wouldnt that be better? i have really thought alot after the friendship day that my youth had. i thought alot bout ppl who are called my friends and all. and whether im treating them the way that they should be treated. sometimes words and actions can really hurt us. unknowingly or purposely, i dont know. but it really can hurt. and i just want to say im sorry to those i've hurt purposely or unknowingly. maybe that's why u guys dont treat me as friends anymore. i guess i better stop here. need to study for a few test that im having tmr

I PASSED!!!

i guess u guys would know what im talking bout di huh. lolz. and yes yes. ill be a driver to those who have been my "drivers" lolz. im soooooo happy!!!! seriously!!!!! i told God that i didnt want to retake it anymore.. i just want today the last day for me to go all the way to cheras. and i passed! all praise to Him.. i was so nervous.. even when i was driving so i ended up speaking in tongues. but of course not like loudly la.. but inside of me. and whenever i speak in tongues..i feel very very calm like peace in my heart. but one thing i want to complain is that. those ppl are idiots! they should see the sticker on my car that im having exam right.. they purposely stick close to my butt and keep wanting to overtake me. i mean harloooooooo!!! ur not suppose to go and disturb those ppl whose having the test u know.. such idiots. and i forgot to mention this the last time but when i went for my first test last monday, i saw this quite leng chai la.(no, lay yan.. its not the same guy that i told u.. u know the one carrying the Bible? haha) then guess what!!! today i saw him again and he was having the same instructor as me.. but i dont know why last monday he didnt come with my instructor.. weird ehh.. anyway, i saw him today and i manage to talk to him.. and we got the same tester somemore. so cool right. lolz. he's so cute la. *drools* ahahha. super super cute.. and yeah.. i saw another leng chai also.. cant really say when and where i saw it cuz i think that guys friend still reads my blog. so i shall not say anything. just in case my friend tells that guy.. that ill be so malu-fied man. ahah.

i went for my friend's bday party last night. quite boring party. but kinda different cuz this party was full of punjabi's.. i dont know how to spell la and im not racist okay. hope u understand what im saying.. haha. so anyway, it was different la cuz normally the parties that i go to are like all chinese and my close friends. but this party was different. it was like all my friends relatives and some of my school friends only.. and of course i stuck to my teacher and melvyn cuz they were like my closest friends there. and my friend's boyfriend's nephew was sooooooooooooo cute. he was like wearing a stripped button-down shirt, jeans and belt, and sport shoes. now now. he's not a teenager.. but he's a small kiddddd!!! super cute u knowwww!! haha.. and u know la.. punjabi's have like thick eyebrows and LONG LONG eyelashes.. haha. i fell in love with that kid man. super cute.. haha. and not love and as in love love la.. but u know.. loving a small kid.. haha.. so anyway, i bent down and asked him whether i could take picture with him. instead of saying yes.. he pulled my hand and leaded me all the way to his parents car. seriously.. it was a long long long long walk.. we stopped for a while for him to show me my friend's car.. which i came with. then he looked up to the sky and said mooon.. but there were only stars.. super cute u know.. cuz he cant really pronounce words properly yet.. super super cute.. and we continue walking until i realized how far we've walked.. and i tried to bring him back to the mum just in case she thinks im trying to kidnap him.. haha. so i tried to pull him but instead he manage to pull me. now, he's not a very fat boy u know. but somehow he managed to pull me. so the whole night long, he kept running back to me and worse..with his mum's car keys. ahaha. even the mum couldnt take him away. then he's mum was like luckily he's younger than u.. if not he'll marry u adi.. i was like emmmmmmmmmmmmm.. *smiling weirdly* ahhahaha.. then she was like saying that he loves me alot and all.. i was like ooooooookkkaayyyy.. hahaa.. but seriously cute boyyy! though he was strong enough to pull me.. too bad i couldnt take a picture of him. or else ill straight away post his picture here man. haha

*never gone*

i really miss u
there's something that i gotta say

the things we did, the things we said
keep coming back to me and make me sad again
u showed me how to face the truth
everything that's good to me i owe to u

though the distance that's between us
now may seem to be too far
it will never separates us
deep inside i know u are

never gone, never far
in my heart is where u are
always close, everyday
every step along the way
even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
i know u will be forever in my life
never gone

no no no
i walk alone these empty streets
there is not a second ur not here with me
the love u gave, the grace u've shown
will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

somehow u found a way
to see the best i have in me
as long as time goes on
i swear to u that u will be

never gone from me
if there's one thing i believe
i will see u somewhere down the road again

*incomplete*

empty spaces fill me up with holes
distant faces with no place left to go
without u within me i cant find no rest
where im going is anybody's guess

i've tried to go on like i never knew u
im awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without u all im going to be is imcomplete

voices tell me i should carry on
but im swimming in an ocean all alone
baby, my baby
its written on ur face
u still wonder if we've made a big mistake
i dont mean to drag it on, but i cant seem to let u go

pray again! hehe

pls pray again.. im retaking my driving test next monday. sighhhh.. thank God i passed my first part la.. that is the slope, parking, and 3-point-turn. if i fail that. i think ill be more nervous.. but i havent been getting any "GOOD" sleep. cuz i've been quite nervous since last week until now.. sighhh.. so pls pray for me again.. when i went there.. i saw the newest car and i told God that i want that car and guess what? i really got that car.. but hehehe.. i forgot to pray for the examiner.. so the guy that i got, he was kinda cranky when it was my batches turn. soooooo.. he looked really angry that made me really nervous. but later he was quite nice to me and joke with me when i failed. i guess getting more money makes him happier.. sighhhh.. but it was good.. i manage to find new friends who stuck with me throughout my whole exam.. encouraging me and wishing me all the best for my exams. we talked and laughed and all like we were friends since forever. thank God cuz im not that kinda person who wants to be alone. ill cry if im alone cuz i feel soo soo lost. hehe.

HELP ME! PRAY FOR ME!

help me!!! im very very scared.. it still hasnt dawn on me that my driving test is tmr. its like all my feelings are mixed together.. from scared to terrified to calm to anything la. its like im scared but calm at the same time. i dont know laaa... pls pls pls pls prayyyy!!!!!

missing the days

i dont know why. everytime i say to myself that im finally over it, everything comes back to me. every morning i wake up, ill be reminded by some part of my past with him. its like a memory that keeps flashing back and forth back and forth in my head. which doesnt seem to be going away. has anybody felt that way before? its so hard to let go. sometimes i hate myself for all this things that i put myself into. i keep asking myself why do i do this to myself? why arent i making enough effort? like i know i should be losing weight. but why cant i stop myself from eating and start exercising? why? why? why? i just hate myself. hate hate hate. ughhhh! no matter how much i try, it'll never end up the way i want it to be. u might say that im expecting too much or something.. whatever.. i dont know.. can i just leave this earth?

okay okay.. i think i shall stop here now and remind myself that God has set me free.. and i should love myself.. i should be placing all of this to God.. i should rejoice in every circumstances.. i should be thanking God for every breath that im breathing now. i should go to sleep to end all my depression.. yeahhh.. good idea.. then i dont have to think so much. dont have to look at the 4 corners of my wall and think bout the past, think bout everything that's happening and all.. i think i should just go and sleep now =)

*i get on my knees*

there are days
when i feel
the best of me
is ready to begin
then there are days
when i feel im letting go and soaring on the wind
cuz i've learned in laughter, awe and pain
how to survive

i get on my knees
there i am before the love that changes me
see i dont know how
but this power
when im on my knees

i can be
in a crowd
all by myself
in almost anywhere
when i feel there's a need
to talk with God and He's Emmanuel
when i close my eyes
no darkness stand
there's only light

*always & forever*

there's nothing better
than living for u
saving my world with You,
there's nothing better
than praising Your name
and lifting my praise
wanna spend forever
just standing in Your presence

i want to show You
what You mean to me God
i give You my whole life
i've got to tell You
that i am Yours forever
Lord i give You my whole life

Jesus, i will live for You
in everything i do
im holding on to You
always and forever
and if my world is falling down
in You i will be found
im staying in Your arms today
always and forever

afte listening to this song, it really made me feel better

feelings

do u care bout other ppl alot but they dont care bout u at all?
do u treat other ppl like ur own family but they treat u like shit?
do u put them first(besides God) but they put u last in their list?
do u wake up and feel like there's no meaning to it?
do u do things and its all so mundane?
do u feel like there's any difference?
do u show concern and care but they return it with something harsh?
do u ever feel so tired with life? with the way ppl treat u?
do u feel like u dont know anyone anymore?
do u feel like everything's a mess? and u dont know what to do anymore?
do u know the feeling of putting a happy face but deep inside ur hurting so badly?
do u know the feeling of being treated like shit by ppl who are called ur friends or worse.."sisters"?
do u know the feeling of not having anyone to turn to?

have u ever felt like ur heart hurts and tears run down ur cheek without even knowing why?
have u ever loved someone but that person doesnt return ur love? but instead returned it with harshness?
have u ever looked around and ask urself why ur here? at ur house.. in ur family.. doing the stuffs that u usually do
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of doing this?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of caring bout that person when that person doesnt care bout u?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of loving.. when that person doesnt show love at all?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of being a friend.. when that person isnt a friend to u"

i think i shall stop here.. before u guys give me one-on-one counseling.. haha.. well, u wanna know what's up with me.. so here u go.. what i have been feeling this few weeks.. i dont know why i have drastic changes of emotions this few weeks. i guess its part of growing up huh? my friend was like saying that its probably puberty. i was thinking the exact same thing as my friend before he said that. lolz.

long time since i've blogged

hmmmm.. i dont know where to start.. i guess i should start by saying.. PRAY FOR ME!!!! i need help in my studies.. pls remind me again why i need to study? besides the fact that its supposedly "good for me and my bright bright future" i hate the fact that i need to study. i hate studying. i hate english & science especially. i hate the participles, adverbs, infinitives, verb phrases... everything!!!! ughhh!! why must it be so complicated? tell me.. why why why why?! i dont know why. but i cant seem to study anymore this few weeks. its like my mind drifts somewhere while reading it and just to let u know.... self study sucks! anyway, im having trouble even with the easiest subjects on earth. can u believe it? can u believe it???!!! i mean.. how dumb can i get? oh pls dont answer that. im begging u pls. haha. anyway, i think i like reading books. or should i say. started to like reading books. hehe. so pls pls pls pray for me... i have a few things that i need to be prayed for...

1) my trial driving test - 19 july
2) my real driving test - 25 july
3) my studies - every single day of my life. hahaha. just joking. dont want to study every single day of my life

i guess that's it. haha. nothing horrible or terrible is happening in my life right now. everything is the usuals. the mundane things. and the fact that most of my close friends have left overseas and that leaves me pretty much feeling lonely. since i dont go out much with my church friends. or even my school friends. and i have gotten wing lian's "new" desktop. cuz actually it was suppose to be my mum's but he put it in his room and soon claimed it was all his but now it has to be all mine. since my old computer is giving me problems. so yeah, i shall stop my update of my life here cuz i need to go and continue my studying before i get chopped up in school tmr. lolz. *cheers*

my first day of driving class

hahahahahahaha.. it was super fun and of course funny. the first time when i was driving i was kinda scared. and imagine that was only in the place where u go a few rounds and learn how to park and do the slope thingy. but after 2 rounds of that today. he said okay.. wear ur sealbelt so that we can go on the road.. i was like WHAT??????????????? hahah.. but of course i didnt say that out loud la.. and i realise ppl are blind this few days.. they cant see my BIG BIG L SIGN posted all around the car. they dont seem to notice it. and of course ill drive slowly since its like my first time.. but do they care??? nooooooooooooooooo... they dont give a **** they stick so close to my butt that i purposely drive even slower to make them move lanes. so irritating man. i mean SEE MY L FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!! ughhhh!!!! luckily i didnt have time to memorize their number plate. if not when i see them. im so gonna kena them next time.. haha. but im not sure how am i gonna kena them next time. lolz. hahahahahaha.. but oh well. besides that part. it was a super fun time! i never knew driving was this fun.. but super tiring la cuz i was so scared that my whole body was so tense up and like stuck to one position for like 2 hours. and my leg was super pain when i came home. aw man. super super pain. and then i had to bath and rest for a while then went straight for dinner with my teacher and shin thong. im gonna have another dinner with my teacher like next week but with different ppl. hahah. super fun wei!

my sad poem

what have i done,
to make u turn away,
what have i said,
to make u feel this way.

isnt my love good enough?
all the time u made it tough
have u ever cared about my heart?
or u just want to be apart

i sit here and wonder what i did,
cuz u never cared a single bit
happiness i wish to u,
with all my heart i really do

what can i do, what can i say,
to make u love me again one day
i tried and tried,
but everything died

is there no hope?
i hope i can cope
answers i hope to find
cuz depression is clogging up my mind

IM SO HAPPY!!!!

finally!!!! im soooo happy!!!! haha.. i've got 3 confirmation that im not chosen for NS. andrew keeps scaring me last time that he'll pray that ill get chosen and stuff like that. but for me, i always knew that God would not get me chosen cuz He knows me too well and He knows that ill die and cry every night if i got chosen. but of course i had a little doubt for a while. but after that. i had peace in my heart. knowing that i wont get chosen at all. i've called, smsed, and even checked the website. and everything said that im not chosen! just now.. when the guy told me that im not chosen. i wanted to scream at his ear. seriously!!! ahha. but i just ended up saying oh thank u.. byeeee! haha. IM SO HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY!!!!! *jumps for joy!!!* let's celebrate!!! come on let's celebrate.. but wait!!! i just remembered im broke.. bahsss.. i better get back to my saving mode man. i could do it last year. why cant i do it this year. somemore i dont have to pay to reload my credit. dont need to pay for my lunch. since its all been paid for by my parents. im really blessed. so why do i always end up broke by the end of the month? awww man.. i better keep track with what im spending. i cant seem to remember what i spent with all my money. oh yeah..

i've been finding for an iron. not those to iron ur clothes la. but to straighten ur hair not permanently that kinda thing. cuz my mum said it would be a waste of money if i did a permanent one. and if i hate how i look, i cant just force it to get back to normal. so i wanted to get an iron. and i've been finding for it. i wanted to ask uncle micheal a.k.a my mum's friend a.k.a our hairdresser cuz it would be cheaper if he gets it since he is like a hair stylist and all. but my mum didnt let. but yesterday.. when we went to cut our hair. i decided to give it a try and ask my mum to ask him. so she asked. and he was like actually i have a extra pair that im not using. and he gave it to me for freeeeeeeee!!! can u believe it???!!! seriously. all thanks to God! He knows exactly what i want. im so grateful and thankful that he gave it to us for free.. cuz it costs around 200 plus for that thing. cuz that's what those saloon ppl use.. a really good one.. THANK U MY BIG DADDY UP THERE! haha. actually, to tell u the truth, i didnt really thank God when i got it for free. i just felt happy that i got it for free. but now. when im writing it here. i realize that actually God knows whatever my heart desires. and i realize that without Him, i wont be able to get free things. without Him, i wont have a trustworthy person to go on in life. and we look for a person or thing in our whole life to fulfill what we need and want but actually the answer is really simple. it all lies in our God. He can fulfill anything!

nothing much to say actually

i have nothing much to say this few days. cuz i've been going through the usual stuffs. so i guess u guys know what im feeling di. last night we had a dinner in italiannies for me and kim's bday and a farewell party for nat and shin thong. it was superb. i was treated really nicely by someone special *wink wink* haha. i was happy that night la.. it was a really long time since he has cared for me like that. i was really glad. really hope that it will continue longer until death do us part. lolz. i hope that my wishes come true too. lolz. it was fun la. we made loads of noise, took loads of pictures(which we always do) till all the shops closed and then the manager had to stand near our table to like HINT to us that he wants us to leave. haha. but the whole time there was great! kim's emmmm. "lou gong chai" paid for everyone. there were like almost 16 ppl. and he paid for everyone!!! wasnt it amazing?! haha. sooo happy! i have a great time AND a free dinner!!! seeee! u do get something free once in a while.. lolz

*miles apart*

if i could i would do all of this again
travel back in time with u to where this all began
we could hide inside ourselves and leave the world behind
and make believe there's something left to find

we'll be miles apart
ill keep u deep inside
ur always in my heart
a new life to start
u may be leaving but ur always in my heart

now we've all grown up, u've gone on and moved away
nothing i can do about it, nothing i can say
to bring us back to where we were when life was not this hard
looking back, it all seems so far, so far away

id give it up just to have one day with u
give it up just for one more day

i need u now, we're miles apart
ill keep u deep inside
ur always in my heart
i need u now, we're miles apart
u may be leaving, but ur always in my heart

*ocean avenue*(half of it)

if i could find u now, things would get better
we could leave this town and run forever
let ur waves crash down on me and take me away

there's a piece of u that's here with me
its everywhere i go, its everything i see
when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by
i can make believe that ur here tonight

i remember the look in ur eyes and voice
when i told u that this was goodbye
u were begging me not tonight
not here, not now
we're looking up at the same night sky
and keep pretending the sun will not rise
we'll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow

*only one*

broken, this fragile thing now
and i cant, i cant pick up the pieces
and i've thrown my words all around
but i cant, i cant give u a reason

i feel so broken up
and i give up
i just want to tell u, so u know

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to u
u are my only one
id let go, but there's just no one who gets me like u do
u are my only, my only one

made my mistakes, let u down
and i cant, i cant hold on for too long
ran my whole life in the ground
and i cant, i cant get up when ur gone

and something's breaking up
i feel like giving up
i wont walk out until u know

here i go, so dishonestly
leave a note, for u my only one
and i know u can see right through me
so let me go and u will find someone

u are my only, my only one

dont know what to say

okay i have so much in my head. where i dont know where to start. cuz its been a long time since i've written. there was this question that my friend asked my teacher in school during our devotion(what we do every morning) he asked why everytime when we're having fun or having a great time. surely after that there's something bad happened.. u might be wondering what am i talking bout. let me give u one example that happened to me today. no wait. actually, its everytime i go out! i went out today. which was very normal! and then when i came home and everything, my mum said tmr dont need to call me to ask me whether u can go out di. cuz u are not going out anymore. then she said that i always go out day and night, night and day. i mean like what the heck?! monday i didnt even go out. tuesday i just went out for like 2 hours to yam cha. today i went out and came back around 6. LIKE HARLO???!!!! for goodness sake!!!! ughhhhhhhhhh!!! last time, i sneak out cuz i was too scared of her and everything. and somemore she always like dont let me do this dont let me do that. i mean like cant she see that's she's choking me with all this things. then she told me that next time when i want to go out, no matter what just tell her. and now!!!! u see!!! does she think that im a thing that she can just simply push around with? i know that everyone is not perfect. butttt.. sighhhh.. i just dont know la.. i dont know what to say anymore. and last time. there was once she complained again that i got so SO sick of her complaining that i decided not to go di. i mean i just wanted to go to my friends house. so anyway, i canceled it. then when my mum came back. she was so surprised that im home. she was like.. ehhhh.. why didnt go out one?! her face had a huge question mark. i was like so shocked and disgusted by her question. i was like. didnt even care bout her. i didnt even answer her. i know its bad. and i know that we should respect our parents. but how????!!!! when ur put in this weird situation!!! tell me!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! sometimes i wonder why am i breathing this air that i breathe. why am i alive here in this world. why did God chose me to go through this. does He really think that im THAT strong to go through this? maybe He's testing me and teaching me to go to Him whenever im sad. i just cant take this anymore. there's no more a reason for me to actually smile.

do u think that im stupid? liking someone who doesnt even care about me? who treats me like a float(direct translate from cantonese). who only wants me to accompany him when no one else is free. who doesnt give a damn about me. who hears what i say and forgets it the very next second. aihhhh.. i just dont know what to do la. its like i know i must move on. but i cant!! there was so many first stuffs that i shared with him. he was like my first love and everything. u know(u may think that im stupid but...) i still have this thought inside my heart that in the end... we will get married. my brains like think too much that i find it hard to trust my girlfriends. i keep thinking that they're lying to me and stuff. dont really want to talk bout it here. ughh! i think this is enough of sharing and all. haha. i shall stop here now and wait for another day where i cant really tahan and spill it all out here. and by the way, if ur still reading all this. thanks for taking a time out to read! *winkz* =)

*time to grow up*

last night i tried but i couldnt sleep
thoughts of u were in my head
i was lonely and i needed u next to me
life is harder since u left
i never meant to do u wrong
and now all is said and done
i hope u wont be gone too long

where do i go
what do i do
i cant deny i still feel something
and boy, i wish u could say u feel the same
u've broken the bond
i gotta move on
but how do i end this lonely feeling?
u've gone, im here, alone
i guess its time to grow

i try to speak, but my words never catch the air
like u never knew i was there
take me back to the days when u really cared
can we make love re-appear?
i cant go on the roads too long
and now all is said and done
i cant go forward if my heart is still where im coming from

crying time is over
i know cant control his feelings
if he wont return, then i guess ill be a strong lady
and move on

time to grow and move on
make life better than it was before
time to grow and move on
make love better than i did before

though ur gone and im here, alone
i guess its time to grow

my heart bleeds...

i dunno what has happened to me. i was feeling better a while ago. i guess when i saw someone's nick, it made me really really sad. i was so happy that i get to go to carene's house in sungai petani. it is super super big. and hot. but big. but kinda run down la. and her cousin is super cute man! haha. anyways, i was enjoying the time there. with her nice and wonderful family. they are very very funny and friendly. haha. really nice to be with. i was enjoying God's wonderful art. the sky and clouds was so beautiful. even the padi fields. so so big and beautiful. it made me thank God for creating such a nice environment.

have u ever tried to forget that "special" someone but cant? it seriously hurts. and i hate that feeling man. makes me depressed everytime. and exasperated. i just want to cry and scream till i have no more voice. i want to forget bout him and everything he has put me through. but i just cant! help me! argh!!!! i know we cant just forget someone but i just want to put him in one small little corner of my heart. but i just cant! why?! someone please tell me why! sometimes i wish that i dont have any feelings. then i can just live life carelessly. just super frustrating! hate it! argh! i know there's this saying that u shouldnt get back with someone that u have let go. but its just hard la! ugh!!!!!!

*hate myself for losing u*

i woke up today
woke up wide awake
in an empty bed
staring at an empty room
i have myself to blame
for the state i'm in today

and i dont know what to say
and i dont know anyway, anymore

i hate myself for losing u
i seeing it all so clear
i hate myself for losing u
what do u do when u look in the mirror
and staring at u is why he's not here

u got what u deserved
hope are u happy now
cause everytime i think of her with u
its killing me inside
and now i dread each day

what do u say when everything u said
is the reason why he left u in the end
how do u cry when every tear u shed
wont ever bring him back again
i hate myself for losing u

*behind these hazel eyes*

seems like yesterday, u were a part of me
i used to stand so tall, i used to be strong
ur arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable, like nothing can go wrong

now i cant breathe, no i cant sleep
im barely hanging on

here i am, once again
im torn into pieces, cant deny it, cant pretend
just thought u were the one
broken up, deep inside
but u wont get to see the tears i cry
behind these hazel eyes

i told u everything, opened up and let u in
u made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be
so together, but broken up inside

swallow me, then spit me out
for hating u, i blame myself
seeing u, it kills me now
no, i dont cry on the outside anymore

emotions still taking over

its been a long long time since i've posted huh. i've been kinda lazy to write actually. haha. cuz i was so into reading the books that delicia borrowed me. well, my life has been kinda normal lately. but one thing. after reading the books that delicia had borrowed me, i felt different. i was so confident in my faith with God. i didnt doubt at all whether God is listening. and i felt that i could talk to Him any time any where. cuz in the book, whenever the girl has trouble, she'll just start praying in her head, pray out loud for other ppl, just pray whenever she feels the Holy Spirit leading. i really felt inspired when i read the book. last time i used to think that we dont need to keep praying. like what's the use of praying since God knows it all. but after reading the book, i realized the power of prayer. certainly prayer can move mountains. it may not be literally mountains. but stumbling blocks in ur life. and i wished that my family was like the girl's family in the book. she's a pastor's daughter and it was easy for her to talk to her family bout anything that she's going through. i wish i had that priviledge to just pour out my feelings to my parents and family and that i could pray with them whenever i feel sad or need help. it certainly made me want to grow up to be that kinda parent for my kids next time. hehe. i've finally have the passion to read books. i used to find reading boring. but now. WOAH! reading is superb and fun and u get to learn loads of stuff. hehe. and of course, improve on ur english. =)

tmr is camp. and i just dont feel prepared. i feel like i want to stay home and not go anywhere but lay on my bed. i know that satan is putting that thought in me. and i need to be strong and ask God to help me focus on Him instead of anything else. i kept asking myself why i dont feel excited and happy to go for camp anymore. i still havent get that answer yet. but hopefully i can prepare my heart before i go for camp.

sometimes i wish i was in HER shoes. having the guy of ur dreams to love u and care for u. i keep telling myself that he's not worth all my trouble and attention if he doesnt love and care for me back. sometimes i'll go into the depression mode. i mean i can say that im over it and trying to be cheerful now. but of course there are times when i will think back. but oh well. after that ill just snap out of it and be happy again. hehe. sometimes i wish i can not let my emotions take over me. but its hard. i guess i should start giving my emotions to God huh. maybe i should. hehehe. well, i guess i better get going. should be packing now. but too lazy. maybe ill do it tmr. hmmmm.. ahhhh.. think bout it later. i wont be blogging for few days. since ill be in camp and all. hehe. *cheers* =)

this is me

i was thinking of what i should write lately... cuz i know i shouldnt be writing bout my depressions here.. and i know i've been struggling with my feelings and emotions. i have been really stubborn bout certain decisions that had to be made and i have been running away from settling it with myself. i know i have said this a million times. but no matter what.. im still gonna say this.. i think i have finally got out of this depression mode. during this few days, not once, was i even depressed. delicia passed me this book just now in church. and when i read it. it really reminded me of how God really cares and puts my interests first. i have been taking God for granted and even neglecting Him and sometimes unintentionally blaming God of what had happen to me. but i read in ecclesiastes 7:14 "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." i extremely like the part where it says that God has created both. to me. to my point of view. i feel that i should go through some bad times and grief and all. now, u might think what is wrong with this esther?! is she crazy?! why does she want to feel sadness and grief and going through bad times? but if i dont go through those rough times and keep having good times. then i will start to have pride and think that i dont need God. since life is like so easy for me. i think sometimes God allows bad things to happen to bring us back down to earth and remember that God has everything in control when we start to place everything into His hands. i often take things into my own hands and start to think "bahhh. i can do it on my own. wait till i cant do it. then ill just go and ask God." im slowly learning to put things in God's hands. believing and trusting Him that everything will work out to the bestest! well now all i can say that im glad God has use justina to even knock some sense into my thick skull and i really appreciate that. hehe. i can feel a full burden that is lifted up from me. all this other time when i said that im finally gotten over everything. i didnt feel like this.. i didnt feel the burden lifting off of me. i wanted to make myself feel contented and forcing myself to get over it. and worse still. using my own strength to do it. i start to realize that when i ask God to even help me and give me His strength, things work out better than i have ever imagine. i dont need to put my hopes on man. i can put my hopes on God instead. way way way better solution. i just want to end by thanking God for everything that He has placed in my life. from friends to family to church leaders to every single sunshine and rain. i would never trade anything to be in my situation now. sometimes i tend to think of me me me and my problems that i forget that out there, there are more ppl who is facing worse problems than my guy problems. hehe. THANKS FOR BEING SO SPECIAL IN MY LIFE! *winkz*

*s.m.s*

lil castles in the air
still cant trust desire, dont want no vanity fair
but a girl's got dreams u cant deride.. so have i
didnt ask, u said u'd call
its been a few months and still no worde from u
tell me.. could this be true?
what'd i do wrong?
almost 'business as usual' but just as im bout to come to..

u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
do u really think that ill drop my plans to be at ur side
the things u do.. should i do a thing for u?
something's so wrong
u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
suddenly the lil thing i've got going seems to come to a grind
depend on u? aint a simple thing to do
still, its alright.. i know it's all by design

questions drown me once again
just an answer straight from u would do
tell me what i should do..quit fooling around
we can work this thing through
lets not wait for when the though times come

love is patient, love is kind
what's done in faith aint no waste of time
know the stars still shine-dont go out of ur mind
when ur looking through the window, there's no one u can find
Lord, im grateful that my name's in the palm of Your hand
when ppl let me down, i hang on to Your plan
things could be easier but i will survive
when im done being under ill be riding at the front line