dont know what to say

okay i have so much in my head. where i dont know where to start. cuz its been a long time since i've written. there was this question that my friend asked my teacher in school during our devotion(what we do every morning) he asked why everytime when we're having fun or having a great time. surely after that there's something bad happened.. u might be wondering what am i talking bout. let me give u one example that happened to me today. no wait. actually, its everytime i go out! i went out today. which was very normal! and then when i came home and everything, my mum said tmr dont need to call me to ask me whether u can go out di. cuz u are not going out anymore. then she said that i always go out day and night, night and day. i mean like what the heck?! monday i didnt even go out. tuesday i just went out for like 2 hours to yam cha. today i went out and came back around 6. LIKE HARLO???!!!! for goodness sake!!!! ughhhhhhhhhh!!! last time, i sneak out cuz i was too scared of her and everything. and somemore she always like dont let me do this dont let me do that. i mean like cant she see that's she's choking me with all this things. then she told me that next time when i want to go out, no matter what just tell her. and now!!!! u see!!! does she think that im a thing that she can just simply push around with? i know that everyone is not perfect. butttt.. sighhhh.. i just dont know la.. i dont know what to say anymore. and last time. there was once she complained again that i got so SO sick of her complaining that i decided not to go di. i mean i just wanted to go to my friends house. so anyway, i canceled it. then when my mum came back. she was so surprised that im home. she was like.. ehhhh.. why didnt go out one?! her face had a huge question mark. i was like so shocked and disgusted by her question. i was like. didnt even care bout her. i didnt even answer her. i know its bad. and i know that we should respect our parents. but how????!!!! when ur put in this weird situation!!! tell me!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! sometimes i wonder why am i breathing this air that i breathe. why am i alive here in this world. why did God chose me to go through this. does He really think that im THAT strong to go through this? maybe He's testing me and teaching me to go to Him whenever im sad. i just cant take this anymore. there's no more a reason for me to actually smile.

do u think that im stupid? liking someone who doesnt even care about me? who treats me like a float(direct translate from cantonese). who only wants me to accompany him when no one else is free. who doesnt give a damn about me. who hears what i say and forgets it the very next second. aihhhh.. i just dont know what to do la. its like i know i must move on. but i cant!! there was so many first stuffs that i shared with him. he was like my first love and everything. u know(u may think that im stupid but...) i still have this thought inside my heart that in the end... we will get married. my brains like think too much that i find it hard to trust my girlfriends. i keep thinking that they're lying to me and stuff. dont really want to talk bout it here. ughh! i think this is enough of sharing and all. haha. i shall stop here now and wait for another day where i cant really tahan and spill it all out here. and by the way, if ur still reading all this. thanks for taking a time out to read! *winkz* =)