*you're the only place*

seems like our love is on the road to nowhere fast
all my life i thought a love like this would last
but every road can hide every corner we cant see
i had a vision that i woke up by ur side
i felt ur breathing
but who controls love's destiny
not me
we had it all right in our hands

and so im calling out
ur the only one
who can save us from what we've done
that dont leave me hanging on
im reaching out and praying u'd come back again
its just darkness im living in
and ur the only place my heart has ever been

maybe im longing in a way of love naive
maybe im desperate for a reason to believe
there wasnt any way that i thought we could fall
ive seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
ive seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
but loving u i thought was greater than them all
and we had it all, just u and me
and there's no doorway to my heart without a key
wherever u are right now, come back and show me how u feel
because im lost without u here

*on and on*

when the darkness finds the night
my heart still beat for u
in ur eyes i see the lie
what can i do, ill try my best to walk away
so i dont have to feel the pain
it goes on and on, on and on
and this emptiness i feel goes on and on
as i cry myself to sleep i cant go on
when this love i feel for u is so strong
why cant i feel ur heartbeat next to mine
the way it used to be
i love that purpose that is so right
i need u to see that i've try my best to walk away
but i cant just ignore the pain
it goes on and on

lazing around

hmmm. im still having holidays while the students around are going to school and all. kind of a good thing cuz i have a longer holiday but bad cuz i dont really like doing work at home. so i guess im gonna prepare myself for scolding when i go back to school. heheh. but at least i know that ill be able to graduate this year but i need to stay back a few months next year that is if i dont finish all my books this year. but still get to attend my "big" graduation this year.

i havent blog for a long time. kinda lazy to do so. been sleeping, lazing around, watching tv, playing Sims 2, and reading the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson. kinda nice when it reaches the romance part but besides that....kinda predictable. trying to find a good book that ill never be able to put down till i finish it. hehe. didnt know i love to read so much until i borrowed this book called Confessions of a Shopoholic. it was a book that i couldnt put down till i got the satisfaction of finishing it and know the ending but kind of frustrated while reading the book cuz of the lies that she needed to cover up another. but it was a great book to read. lol.

i have stop driving for a while. not so crazy over it BECAUSE (before anyone of u said i told u so) i drove to church one day. thinking that im quite good already and proving my father wrong that i need him to supervise me for a while. everything went wrong and he was scolding me and babbling ever since i step into the car. ugh! wrong move in driving alone with him. so after that incident. i've lost my interest in driving WHEN..only when..my father is in the car. i LOVE to drive only if he's not in the car with me. i would rather not drive if he'll be beside me. but i think i've complained too much to my mum and i think she talked to my dad. so now when he seats beside me. he kind of shut up and only warn me at appropriate times. hehe. i guess we both need to compromise with each other.

why?

am i such a bad friend that ppl treat me that way? do i treat them badly that's why they treat my back that way? i tried to follow the bible..doing other ppl good so that they treat me back the same way i treat them. but do i treat them so badly? i treat them as good friends, forgetting myself and helping them and all. but they do that to me? nooooooooo. instead they let go their anger on me, let go their frustration on me, say things that hurt me. maybe they dont know that they were hurting me. maybe la. maybe im too sensitive. i just feel so depressed..so down. bahhhhhhhh. whatever la. sighhhhh

so ppl. if i have hurt u in anyway..pls tell me or if u dont want to tell me in person. post a comment here kay?

depressed..gotta move on

how do i end this lonely feeling?
how do i end my endless thoughts?
how do i go on?
how do i move on?
how do i grow out of this?
does loving someone means u want the best for the other person?
how do u feel better when that person has found another girl?
how do u feel better when u see that person having another girl in his arms besides u?
how do u feel better when the person tells u that he cant have a relationship but ends up with another girl the next minute?
where do i go?
what do i do?
how do i make my life better?
how do i make myself happier?
how do i let out my thoughts and feelings?
how i wish i can just tell the person how i feel..
how do i not love that person?
how do i let my memories be my past?
how do i let go of my past?
how do i face the fact that its all gone?
how do i not miss u when u are gone?
how can i have dreams without u in it?
how could i have u one minute and let u go the next?
how do i be brave and go on?
what do i tell my heart?
when do i not want u here in my arms?
how does one walks away from all of the memories?
how do u not cry when all the hurt is inside?
how do u not end up with depression?
what is love? when u get hurt cuz of it...
can u be a better person cuz of love?
how do i return to the days where i can feel his love again?
how do i keep some things the same?
can i make it through?

*how to deal*

how do u cope when
the one u love is with somebody else
and there's nothing u can do about it
how do i deal with
the fact that u had a chance
but u chose to turn away cuz of restrictions
i gotta take it through though its heart breaking
its something we had to do
but nobody said that it would hurt so bad
so how do i live..how do i deal without u

its killing me to know
that ur heart's here with me
but ur with her cuz we chose
to follow the rules
but this is the life that i was given
so i have to live it to the fullest
but how do i deal in the mean time without u

hehehe.. PINK AGAIN!

u must be wondering why i change back to this template. i kinda miss this template actually. cuz i was checking to see whether my dear ketua biri biri a.k.a delicia ng ly-ann a.k.a miss ng is still having her blog. and i saw her template was this pink one. and i miss having this pink template. guess andrew have to see this medicine color again huh. hehehe. if he's still reading this la. muahahahahaha

lonely world

all my close friends have now become strangers. now i need to hear from other ppl about them. ppl who is not even close to them...knows more than me. can u believe it? i know friendships needs a 2-way thing. i know its partly my fault for not keeping in touch with them. but well, all i can do now is thank God that He made our paths crossed. now i pray that one day God will make our paths cross again. if its His will la. im very thankful and grateful that He made our paths crossed at least for a period of my teenage years. they encourage me to grow up in a God's way and not other. but just deep down inside i really wish and hope that we still remain close friends. but i guess its God's choice...whether He wants us to remain friends or not when we have changed paths. i know its hard to keep friendships..but i really wished that it didnt end so fast. at least we still meet up for birthdays. but still....its all soooo soooo sooooooooo different. why cant everything still remain the same? i mean our friendship and all. i could still remember everything that we have shared and the times that we've grown up together. imagine u see each other more often than anyone else and u see each other grow physically and spiritually matured. its like all of us took steps of faith together..hand-by-hand..heart-by-heart. and now..all of a sudden..everything has changed. no more the usual outings. no more the usual chit chats. no more the usual craps. no more the usual heart-to-heart conversations. no more seeing each other grow. no more the usual arguements with teacher or one another. no more backing up each other. no more encouraging each other. and the worse of all. no longer talk to or see each other. no moreeee! ughh! i think i shall stop here. this is making me more depressed when i start to remember everything that has passed by like a dream. it just zoom past

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUNGU AH WONG!!!!

to my dearest dungu ah wong.. i wanna wish HAPPY BIRTHDAY to miss natalie. i dont think she'll be reading my blog. but what the heck. i miss her loads cuz she's in new zealand to further her studies. she's gonna be back in 3 years time or even later cuz she might wanna work there for a while. this is one girl whom i always go out with when all of my other friends deserted me. that's why after she left, i seldom go out cuz there's very few ppl who i hang out with. and i learned how to play mahjong and become a crazy mahjong addict with her, talk on the phone for hours, go shopping, meet strangers, shared stuffs with, go redbox with her, she was the first one who brought me to my first "outing", learned loads of stuff from her(charlie-ing and all) haha, do silly things in the car with her (now now.. dont think some weird things. haha), and of course went and "pak tor" with her. and dont think that we're les here. its just we do lots of things together. ahhaa. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT!!! take care of urself in new zealand. dont be even more dungu! haha.

dont know what to do anymore

this is my new blog look.. i hope u guys like it.. i kinda like it.. although i wish it was pink. lolz. hahaha. but i like the 2 rabbits at the end of it. super super cute eh. hehe

there are days where im so happy at where i am. at how far i have gone through. but whenever i get depressed, i seem to forget everything. nothing else mattered besides the problem and sadness that im having. have u ever go through such things? its like everyday...i ask myself what have i done wrong. am i not good enough? why did he moved on and forget bout the promise we made. but i think that sometimes we need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason..for the good of those that loves God. maybe God has something way way better in store for us. that's what my friends always say. that He has a better one for me than this "blind" guy that im not letting go. haha. dont know.

friends.. u have hi-bye friends-to-friends that u go to for help-to-good friends whom u talk to often-to-close friends whom u share everything with-to-bestfriends.. have u ever had this bunch of close friends that u guys do pretty much everything together and that u've spent like almost more than half of ur teenage days together. seeing each other in school each day or the times where u get to go out. doing silly things together. hanging out or lepaking together. plan ur future together. even wanting to go to the same country to study so that we all can stay together and continue our lives together. seeing each other grow spiritually and of course more matured. plan outings together, plan dinner and parties together. but all of a sudden. everything changes. u no longer keep in contact with them and the only time u talk to them is like NEVER. its like all of a sudden ur close friends have become hi-bye friends. u dont go and catch a movie with them or even have lunch or dinner together. no longer call each other or even chat online. no longer do things together. its like being strangers already. i guess guy-guy friends can keep in touch way way better since they play football or futsal together. but what about girl-girl friends or girl-guy friends. what bout them? u have more friends and move on to different schools, different lifes. dont u think ur friendship with them are in the past di. like everything has changed. i just feel really sad la. why dont some things remain the same? why must things change? isit for the better? isit for our own good that things changed? if this happens when i went to a different school. what will happen when all of us have graduated and gone of to college or worse. some of us may even stay back a little longer. what will happen then? will we still keep in touch since now we dont keep in touch. then what's the point of having friends? why dont we just call them strangers whom we have crossed paths with during a point of our lifes and they have made a few footprints in our life. wouldnt that be better? i have really thought alot after the friendship day that my youth had. i thought alot bout ppl who are called my friends and all. and whether im treating them the way that they should be treated. sometimes words and actions can really hurt us. unknowingly or purposely, i dont know. but it really can hurt. and i just want to say im sorry to those i've hurt purposely or unknowingly. maybe that's why u guys dont treat me as friends anymore. i guess i better stop here. need to study for a few test that im having tmr

I PASSED!!!

i guess u guys would know what im talking bout di huh. lolz. and yes yes. ill be a driver to those who have been my "drivers" lolz. im soooooo happy!!!! seriously!!!!! i told God that i didnt want to retake it anymore.. i just want today the last day for me to go all the way to cheras. and i passed! all praise to Him.. i was so nervous.. even when i was driving so i ended up speaking in tongues. but of course not like loudly la.. but inside of me. and whenever i speak in tongues..i feel very very calm like peace in my heart. but one thing i want to complain is that. those ppl are idiots! they should see the sticker on my car that im having exam right.. they purposely stick close to my butt and keep wanting to overtake me. i mean harloooooooo!!! ur not suppose to go and disturb those ppl whose having the test u know.. such idiots. and i forgot to mention this the last time but when i went for my first test last monday, i saw this quite leng chai la.(no, lay yan.. its not the same guy that i told u.. u know the one carrying the Bible? haha) then guess what!!! today i saw him again and he was having the same instructor as me.. but i dont know why last monday he didnt come with my instructor.. weird ehh.. anyway, i saw him today and i manage to talk to him.. and we got the same tester somemore. so cool right. lolz. he's so cute la. *drools* ahahha. super super cute.. and yeah.. i saw another leng chai also.. cant really say when and where i saw it cuz i think that guys friend still reads my blog. so i shall not say anything. just in case my friend tells that guy.. that ill be so malu-fied man. ahah.

i went for my friend's bday party last night. quite boring party. but kinda different cuz this party was full of punjabi's.. i dont know how to spell la and im not racist okay. hope u understand what im saying.. haha. so anyway, it was different la cuz normally the parties that i go to are like all chinese and my close friends. but this party was different. it was like all my friends relatives and some of my school friends only.. and of course i stuck to my teacher and melvyn cuz they were like my closest friends there. and my friend's boyfriend's nephew was sooooooooooooo cute. he was like wearing a stripped button-down shirt, jeans and belt, and sport shoes. now now. he's not a teenager.. but he's a small kiddddd!!! super cute u knowwww!! haha.. and u know la.. punjabi's have like thick eyebrows and LONG LONG eyelashes.. haha. i fell in love with that kid man. super cute.. haha. and not love and as in love love la.. but u know.. loving a small kid.. haha.. so anyway, i bent down and asked him whether i could take picture with him. instead of saying yes.. he pulled my hand and leaded me all the way to his parents car. seriously.. it was a long long long long walk.. we stopped for a while for him to show me my friend's car.. which i came with. then he looked up to the sky and said mooon.. but there were only stars.. super cute u know.. cuz he cant really pronounce words properly yet.. super super cute.. and we continue walking until i realized how far we've walked.. and i tried to bring him back to the mum just in case she thinks im trying to kidnap him.. haha. so i tried to pull him but instead he manage to pull me. now, he's not a very fat boy u know. but somehow he managed to pull me. so the whole night long, he kept running back to me and worse..with his mum's car keys. ahaha. even the mum couldnt take him away. then he's mum was like luckily he's younger than u.. if not he'll marry u adi.. i was like emmmmmmmmmmmmm.. *smiling weirdly* ahhahaha.. then she was like saying that he loves me alot and all.. i was like ooooooookkkaayyyy.. hahaa.. but seriously cute boyyy! though he was strong enough to pull me.. too bad i couldnt take a picture of him. or else ill straight away post his picture here man. haha

*never gone*

i really miss u
there's something that i gotta say

the things we did, the things we said
keep coming back to me and make me sad again
u showed me how to face the truth
everything that's good to me i owe to u

though the distance that's between us
now may seem to be too far
it will never separates us
deep inside i know u are

never gone, never far
in my heart is where u are
always close, everyday
every step along the way
even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
i know u will be forever in my life
never gone

no no no
i walk alone these empty streets
there is not a second ur not here with me
the love u gave, the grace u've shown
will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

somehow u found a way
to see the best i have in me
as long as time goes on
i swear to u that u will be

never gone from me
if there's one thing i believe
i will see u somewhere down the road again

*incomplete*

empty spaces fill me up with holes
distant faces with no place left to go
without u within me i cant find no rest
where im going is anybody's guess

i've tried to go on like i never knew u
im awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without u all im going to be is imcomplete

voices tell me i should carry on
but im swimming in an ocean all alone
baby, my baby
its written on ur face
u still wonder if we've made a big mistake
i dont mean to drag it on, but i cant seem to let u go

pray again! hehe

pls pray again.. im retaking my driving test next monday. sighhhh.. thank God i passed my first part la.. that is the slope, parking, and 3-point-turn. if i fail that. i think ill be more nervous.. but i havent been getting any "GOOD" sleep. cuz i've been quite nervous since last week until now.. sighhh.. so pls pray for me again.. when i went there.. i saw the newest car and i told God that i want that car and guess what? i really got that car.. but hehehe.. i forgot to pray for the examiner.. so the guy that i got, he was kinda cranky when it was my batches turn. soooooo.. he looked really angry that made me really nervous. but later he was quite nice to me and joke with me when i failed. i guess getting more money makes him happier.. sighhhh.. but it was good.. i manage to find new friends who stuck with me throughout my whole exam.. encouraging me and wishing me all the best for my exams. we talked and laughed and all like we were friends since forever. thank God cuz im not that kinda person who wants to be alone. ill cry if im alone cuz i feel soo soo lost. hehe.

HELP ME! PRAY FOR ME!

help me!!! im very very scared.. it still hasnt dawn on me that my driving test is tmr. its like all my feelings are mixed together.. from scared to terrified to calm to anything la. its like im scared but calm at the same time. i dont know laaa... pls pls pls pls prayyyy!!!!!

missing the days

i dont know why. everytime i say to myself that im finally over it, everything comes back to me. every morning i wake up, ill be reminded by some part of my past with him. its like a memory that keeps flashing back and forth back and forth in my head. which doesnt seem to be going away. has anybody felt that way before? its so hard to let go. sometimes i hate myself for all this things that i put myself into. i keep asking myself why do i do this to myself? why arent i making enough effort? like i know i should be losing weight. but why cant i stop myself from eating and start exercising? why? why? why? i just hate myself. hate hate hate. ughhhh! no matter how much i try, it'll never end up the way i want it to be. u might say that im expecting too much or something.. whatever.. i dont know.. can i just leave this earth?

okay okay.. i think i shall stop here now and remind myself that God has set me free.. and i should love myself.. i should be placing all of this to God.. i should rejoice in every circumstances.. i should be thanking God for every breath that im breathing now. i should go to sleep to end all my depression.. yeahhh.. good idea.. then i dont have to think so much. dont have to look at the 4 corners of my wall and think bout the past, think bout everything that's happening and all.. i think i should just go and sleep now =)

*i get on my knees*

there are days
when i feel
the best of me
is ready to begin
then there are days
when i feel im letting go and soaring on the wind
cuz i've learned in laughter, awe and pain
how to survive

i get on my knees
there i am before the love that changes me
see i dont know how
but this power
when im on my knees

i can be
in a crowd
all by myself
in almost anywhere
when i feel there's a need
to talk with God and He's Emmanuel
when i close my eyes
no darkness stand
there's only light

*always & forever*

there's nothing better
than living for u
saving my world with You,
there's nothing better
than praising Your name
and lifting my praise
wanna spend forever
just standing in Your presence

i want to show You
what You mean to me God
i give You my whole life
i've got to tell You
that i am Yours forever
Lord i give You my whole life

Jesus, i will live for You
in everything i do
im holding on to You
always and forever
and if my world is falling down
in You i will be found
im staying in Your arms today
always and forever

afte listening to this song, it really made me feel better

feelings

do u care bout other ppl alot but they dont care bout u at all?
do u treat other ppl like ur own family but they treat u like shit?
do u put them first(besides God) but they put u last in their list?
do u wake up and feel like there's no meaning to it?
do u do things and its all so mundane?
do u feel like there's any difference?
do u show concern and care but they return it with something harsh?
do u ever feel so tired with life? with the way ppl treat u?
do u feel like u dont know anyone anymore?
do u feel like everything's a mess? and u dont know what to do anymore?
do u know the feeling of putting a happy face but deep inside ur hurting so badly?
do u know the feeling of being treated like shit by ppl who are called ur friends or worse.."sisters"?
do u know the feeling of not having anyone to turn to?

have u ever felt like ur heart hurts and tears run down ur cheek without even knowing why?
have u ever loved someone but that person doesnt return ur love? but instead returned it with harshness?
have u ever looked around and ask urself why ur here? at ur house.. in ur family.. doing the stuffs that u usually do
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of doing this?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of caring bout that person when that person doesnt care bout u?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of loving.. when that person doesnt show love at all?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of being a friend.. when that person isnt a friend to u"

i think i shall stop here.. before u guys give me one-on-one counseling.. haha.. well, u wanna know what's up with me.. so here u go.. what i have been feeling this few weeks.. i dont know why i have drastic changes of emotions this few weeks. i guess its part of growing up huh? my friend was like saying that its probably puberty. i was thinking the exact same thing as my friend before he said that. lolz.

long time since i've blogged

hmmmm.. i dont know where to start.. i guess i should start by saying.. PRAY FOR ME!!!! i need help in my studies.. pls remind me again why i need to study? besides the fact that its supposedly "good for me and my bright bright future" i hate the fact that i need to study. i hate studying. i hate english & science especially. i hate the participles, adverbs, infinitives, verb phrases... everything!!!! ughhh!! why must it be so complicated? tell me.. why why why why?! i dont know why. but i cant seem to study anymore this few weeks. its like my mind drifts somewhere while reading it and just to let u know.... self study sucks! anyway, im having trouble even with the easiest subjects on earth. can u believe it? can u believe it???!!! i mean.. how dumb can i get? oh pls dont answer that. im begging u pls. haha. anyway, i think i like reading books. or should i say. started to like reading books. hehe. so pls pls pls pray for me... i have a few things that i need to be prayed for...

1) my trial driving test - 19 july
2) my real driving test - 25 july
3) my studies - every single day of my life. hahaha. just joking. dont want to study every single day of my life

i guess that's it. haha. nothing horrible or terrible is happening in my life right now. everything is the usuals. the mundane things. and the fact that most of my close friends have left overseas and that leaves me pretty much feeling lonely. since i dont go out much with my church friends. or even my school friends. and i have gotten wing lian's "new" desktop. cuz actually it was suppose to be my mum's but he put it in his room and soon claimed it was all his but now it has to be all mine. since my old computer is giving me problems. so yeah, i shall stop my update of my life here cuz i need to go and continue my studying before i get chopped up in school tmr. lolz. *cheers*