consequences

i have never thought of the consequences of my actions, thoughts, or words that i speak
never thought of whether it'll hurt the person
never thought of the effect
never thought of the end result
never thought of other ppl's feelings

i think for the whole of 19 years of my life...
i think i have been selfish
i think i have been only thinking bout me
bout my feelings
bout me, myself, and i

until today... this very night...
have i realized the consequences of my actions, thoughts, and words
i have never felt this indescribable feeling
it's like a slap-in-the-face kinda feeling
something like that

i have never meant to hurt one
i have never caused one to think of such things
i have never thought one would think of such things
well, what to do...
all the while i've been thinking bout me only

there are things or feelings which i wish i can take them back
u know the feeling when u get when u accidently say or do something
and u wanna take it back
u can take back the words
u can say sorry
but nothing u can do in ur power to erase or heal the wound that has been caused
nothing u can do to erase the pain
the hurt
the cruel stab in the heart

there are many times when i wish i can turn back the time
when i wish that i can do or say something better
when i wish that i didnt say that
or i didnt do that

one thing i have never admitted to one
is that i have the fear of losing one too
i fear that someday
another beautiful, talented, sweet, etc etc
would come and sweep one off one's feet

no matter how much one says that one wont
that one will love me and me alone
i still feel that fear
that fear that grips me almost every single day

so tell me
how do i be less sensitive?
how do i be less jealous?
how do i be more loving?
how do i be more caring?
how do i be more thoughtful?
how do i be more considerate?

how do i think before i act?
how do i weigh the consequences?
how do i love one unconditionally?
how do i reason with my exaggerating thoughts?
how do i calm the whirlwind of thoughts inside of me?

i want to be the kind of girl
that will always be considerate
that will always be kind
that will always be loving
that will always be sweet
that will always be beautiful (in his eyes)
that will always be thoughtful

i want to be the girl of HIS dreams
this handsome fellow down there

* my "yau yeng" leng chai *