quote

" remember...
being able to find
the person u love
is the most blessed thing
so, u must cherish it
eventhough u face problems,
DONT give up
as long as u love him,
u can solve any problems "

emotions

i've been having a tough time to keep my cool these few days. i cant seem to be patient or be nice and be calm easily. i tend to burst or suddenly be very agitated and exasperated. and i have no idea why. just a small thing can cause me to be really frustrated in a matter of seconds. and after i hurt one.... then only i realize what i have done

questions and wonders
thoughts and feelings
emotions and actions
all which i cant seem to control

sometimes i wonder why i dont think before i act
why i dont put myself in one's shoes
and when everything goes haywire
then only i realize what i've done
then only i feel bad
i never think of the consequences

it is true
it is true that it's easier to say i dont know
than to think
sigh... i dont know God!


dear Lord Jesus,
i pray that U would help me the person that U want me to be. pray that U will change me and mould me to be a better person. a person who is kind, caring, accepting, understanding, loving, gentle, patient, a person who is like U. pls give me the answers to my questions. when the oceans rise, God, help me to be still and know that Ur God. help me to know that Ur in control of everything. i dont know what to do anymore. pray that U would help me to discern between right and wrong. to know what to do. how to solve problems. to think of the consequences of my thoughts and actions. i've reached to the point where i know i cant do things by my own. by my own strength. by my own wisdom.

* i will sing *

Lord You seem so far away
a million miles or more it feels today
and though i havent lost my faith
i must confess right now
that it's hard for me to pray

but i dont know what to say
and i dont know where to start
but as You give the grace
with all that's in my heart

i will sing
i will praise
even in my darkest hour
through the sorrow and the pain
i will sing
i will praise
lift my hands to honor You
because Your Word is true
i will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
all the thoughts and plans You have for me
but i will put my trust in You
knowing that You died to set me free

but i dont know what to say
and i dont know where to start
but as You give the grace
with all that's in my heart

p s a l m s 1 3

"O Lord, how long will U forget me? forever?
how long will U look the other way?
how long must i struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart everyday?
how long will my enemy have the upper hand?

turn and answer me, O Lord my God
restore the sparkle in my eyes or i will die
dont let me enemies gloat, saying " we have defeated him(her)!"
dont let them rejoice over my downfall

but i rejoice in Ur unfailing love
i will rejoice because U have rescued me
i will sing to the Lord
because He is good to me"

-new living translation-


last night during prayer meeting... God spoke to me. i havent been having the desire to pray. whenever i do my QT, i just sit there, read the verses, and then just stare into blank space, trying to pray. i speak in tongues... and try to pray........ but..... no words seem to come out of my mouth. then after a while, i start singing a few worship songs... and that's it. times up. time to get out of bed and get ready for college.

but last night... last night... everyone was talking bout prayer. pastor and the ppl who went out to share a few verses. all that touched my heart was bout prayer. God was speaking to me. but... why this morning, when i wake up, i dont have the urgency to pray? i dont have the urgency to do my QT? and so... i gave in to my flesh and continued sleeping till i really have to wake up.

like the verse that andrew shared last night. psalms 63.. the verse that touched me was v 6

"on my bed i remember U; i think of U through the watches of the night"

that made me think of the times when i sit on my bed early in the morning to do my QT. i remember God. yes i do. but why dont i have the urgency to talk to Him? if u really love someone, u would wanna talk to the person for hours. spend time with the person as long as u can. but why dont i have such desire to do the same with God? sigh... i guess there's always an up and down times right? there are dry times and super oh-i-love-U-God times. i pray and hope this dry time would end soon. like real soon. hate this feeling now u know.

taking a break

haha.. i shouldnt be blogging.. i should be studying for my accounts tests tmr. but but but... noooooooooo...!!! my brain is so stuck now that i dont know what am i doing. i studied so much that i have no idea which is which. sigh. im just so lazy to study la. cant i just go to sleep with the textbook as a pillow and let the information slowly work it's way from the textbook into my head? why cant such things work? hahaa. or better.... why cant i be smarter? just read through, do the exercises, and get awesome grades. sighhhh... how nicee... *grinz*

okay okay... better stop dreaming and wishing bout nonsensical stuff.. better get back to studying. sorry. abit random. dont bother bout my nonsense. haha. sorry. wasted ur time. kakakakaka.

caught in between

what if u tell the person that it's nothing...
that nothing is bothering u
but actually something is
and u dont want to create any unnecessary arguments...
isit a lie?

what if u want to tell something...
but it'll hurt someone
would u still tell?

which one would u choose?
which one is better?
isit better to keep quiet
and keep it all inside?
or isit better to say it out?

but if u say it out...
it'll hurt the person
soo....?

sigh.. i have no idea what to do
dont know what to choose at times
that's why most of the time...
i chose to stay silent
chose not to say anything

cuz i know if i say it out
it'll hurt ppl
it's better for me to hurt than to hurt other ppl right?

i lost another friend to NZ *sob*

finally i managed to get pictures from my dear eden. ahhaa. been waiting for quite some time. finally i got it!

this is no fun. i've lost 3 friends to NZ. sighhh. idiot NZ. hahhaa. just joking. i know it's abit insane of me to say such things. haha. but but but... im gonna miss this crazy girl! now i have 2 crazy friends there! noooooooooooo!!!

p.s s.t is not considered to be crazy. cuz she's quite sane. ahahha.

* den dear *
on the way to the airport

* kim dearz *
the crazy girl who's leaving us *sob*

* ben and jie *

* the 2 friends i met since the first day of my high school *
we started off as normal friends... and time has brought us close


* friends *
there's a few ppl that some of us dont know. like the girl in pink and the guy in blue on the left. but almost all of them... i've known them since form 1. the years of friendship

* dinner *
at william's! *yum* looking at the picture makes me wanna drink it now! *slurp*

h a t e

i hate it when i have tons of stuff to say in my mind...
but it can never find a way out of my mouth
i hate it when i draw my own conclusions
i hate it when i think excessively
i hate it when i exaggerate things
i hate it when i dont trust the person i should trust

i hate it when i have my own whirlwind in my mind
i hate it when i dont express how i really feel
i hate it when i hurt ppl...
esp the ones that i love alot
i hate it when i am not myself

i hate it when the evil me comes out
i hate it when i am not who i want to be
i hate it when i am unlovable
i hate it when i dont see myself through God's eyes
i hate it when i dont feel secure
i hate it when i have low self-esteem


there are many times that i hate it when i cant say the things that goes on in my mind. it's like there's alot of stuff... alot of conflict happening in my mind. but i can never seem to get it out and form it into words.

there's a ton of things that i wish i can say,
wish i can express it out,
wish i can elaborate bout.
i wish i can come up with a solution to a problem
i wish i can tell one what i want one to do
how i want one to react
how i want one to reassure me

a question was posted to me today
why cant i trust one?
i asked myself that tooo....
why?
w h y?
i couldnt come up with an answer
the only valid answer i could come up with was

* trust must be gain *

trust doesnt come whenever i want it to come
doesnt come in a blink of an eye
even though i wish it would
that'll save a ton of heartaches and hurt
misunderstandings and arguments


a dozen thoughts rushes in my mind
but no answer i could find
no words i could formulate
my heart could only generate hate

questions buzzes in my thoughts
battles in me, i fought
wishing that these foolishness would stop
hoping that love is all i got

will our hearts one day die down?
will our smiles turn into a frown?
i pray that it will never happen
that day by day our love will deepen

praise God!

i had a maths test yesterday! guess how much i scored!!! i got 17.5 out of 20!!! i had 3 wrongs. almost all of the questions i have studied for it. it's like God practically brought me to the stuff that i needed to study. all the questions that came out.... was the stuff that i put my attention on the night before. but but but.... as usual... once ur sitting down.. nerves tend to get a hold of u.. and slowly everything u've studied the night before suddenly chooses to fade at the very second the test is starting. at the very second when the test paper is placed in front of u.

but still.... i did it anyway. tried the best that i could. did whatever i thought would be right. when we were suppose to pass up the paper, i forgot to do 2 questions. so i just simply plot it out. simply put the answer that i thought would be right. and guess what???? i got both of it right! hahaa. thank God! when my lecturer passed the previous test paper back. he told me that i actually did quite well on test yesterday.

to be honest, as i was reading delz post. when she mentions bout how God blessed her with such good scores and all. i really didnt believe that such things would happen to me. seriously i would never thought i would score so well in my math test. really... cuz most of the time, i dont get what the lecturer is teaching in class. all i do is... get into class, try to understand, getting out of class with my mind wondering why did my lecturer teach. im serious.

my first math test. i got 1 out of 5 questions. not to mention the confidence that i had to get a higher mark. but thank God now i get more. that's why my lecturer was so surprised that i got quite good marks for yesterdays test. hehehe. i BELIEVE and TRUST that God will continue to sustain me through this year. amazing me with unexpected marks. cuz seriously... without His help... i will really fail this year.

just wanna THANK GOD!

more on love

i have more stuff about love. today i saw something that makes me unable to keep quiet anymore. i felt so geram. with ppl who take love for granted. so far, i know 2 ppl who i really cant stand. why do i say that? well....

1st person...
when i met him in college, he has a girlfriend. i didnt know until like few weeks after i know him. he flirts alot with girls, sweet talk, etc. that's why i didnt know he had a girlfriend. until one day he was talking bout her. but..... he met this other girl from the external class. and slowly they got to know each other better and spent alot of time together. so he decided to break up with his then-girlfriend to be with this girl

i was so exasperated with the guy. and i told kevin never to do such nonsense to me. ever. it gives me a wrong perspective of guys. seriously. i know that not every guy would do such things. but such idiotic guys, makes me tend to make me sum all the guys up to have such qualities.

2nd person...
i met her the first day of my orientation...

"which school are u from?"
"i was doing homeschooling"
"ohhh. why did do u decided to do homeschooling?"
"*shrugs* emmm. maybe cuz it's christian based?"
"ohh really? so ur a christian??"
"yeah =)"
"ohh.. same here same here"

i later found out that she has a boyfriend. always spend time with him. going out for lunch. hang around corners with him. spending whatever break they have together. sit together whenever they have class together. u get the picture. but.... she too met another guy. who is in the same class with her. i must admit that this new guy that she met, is much more leng chai than her current boyfriend la. anyway, sidetracked abit. ahhaa. then she and this new guy flirted alot during classes. doing all the possible nonsense. then recently it got worst.. they pakat to wear same color, same design, stuff like that.

and today, when i was in 1u with kevin.. guess who i saw?? the girl and the new guy... shopping. i mean gosh!!! sigh. faint faint. and the worst part is that the new guy knows that she has a boyfriend from the beginning. but noooooooooooooo..... they dont care. sigh. what has the world become today?

i was telling kevin.. complaining to him. and he was like what happen to their commitment? seriously. they take love so lightly. whenever they see another "better" or more good looking person that comes around, they start forgetting their current relationships and go pursue a new one. or maybe they're not even in a relationship. they dont really love the person that they are with. just a name to brand each other.

maybe they just love the idea of having another person to have around. to hang out with. to call "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". having someone to sms. having someone to call. last time that used to be my idea of a relationship. having someone to call or sms or to share problems with. but now.... i think of a future with that person. i think of planning a life and future together with that person. it might be too early. but im looking towards that goal. not just a boyfriend. but a potential and future husband.

dont get me wrong. i want kevin to be the person that i can share my problems with, to call, to sms, to hang out with, to have him around.... but me being together with him is not just for that... it's also to build up a future together. to look towards marriage. towards the day when we dont have to say goodbye after going out. towards the day when i can wake up and see him in the morning. towards the day when i can officially call him mine.

accounts! help!

ugh! whenever i start to understand a part of accounts, or get used to doing something, then my lecturer goes on to another part of accounts. which i find it quite hard to grasp all of it in such a short time. and to make it worse, we have very few exercise to do. after im done understanding one part.... then she goes on to another part. before, i found it quite easy to catch up. i mean i understand at the end of the class. but now.... she's moving on so fast that im still stuck at the beginning of depreciation. when she has moved on to disposals. shucks! can die can die! maths also. sighhh!!! how now?? oh God! pls save me!! i cant study this much! pls! help me!

im so used to studying at my own pace, that now, im having problems when i have to follow the lecturer's instead of mine. cuz no one will wait for me. sigh! what nonsense la! that day me and 2 other friends told our lecturer that we didnt do our work cuz we dont understand

"...what dont u understand????"
*shocked and amazed look*
"we dont know how to do the depreciation thing"
"how can u not understand??? i've already thought u"
*looks at her.... and she walks away*
bahsss... no comments at all. sigh. i shouldnt be blogging. i should be stuffing my face and my brains with accounts. stop it esther! get going! go read ur book and understand it! go go go!

true l o v e

i was just reading an email... talking bout true love. and i quote...

" true love puts up with a lot from ppl, just as God does. it bears hurt in silence, conceals injuries as much as possible "

so judging from what the author said. does it mean that we dont tell the person that he/she has hurt us? are we suppose to bear the hurt in silence? and keep the hurt inside of us as much as possible? are we suppose to do that? but but but.... i thought it's good to bring it out so that the other party would know what one has done wrong or whether one has hurt another? then the other person would know that by doing or saying such things would hurt. so what now? what does it mean? im confused....!


* love does not give up on ppl *


endure - not just to bear with ppl on occasions, but to put up with ppl always, despite all their aberrations and vagaries.

love - bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things - all the time!

when our schedules overload, we start skimming - cutting back on giving time, energy, and attention that loving relationships require. what's most important to us is replaced by what's most urgent. when life on earth is ending, we dont surround ourselves with objects. what we want around us is ppl - ppl we love and have relationships with.

in our final moments, we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. why then wait till we're on our deathbed to figure out that nothing matters more than a loving relationship?

consequences

i have never thought of the consequences of my actions, thoughts, or words that i speak
never thought of whether it'll hurt the person
never thought of the effect
never thought of the end result
never thought of other ppl's feelings

i think for the whole of 19 years of my life...
i think i have been selfish
i think i have been only thinking bout me
bout my feelings
bout me, myself, and i

until today... this very night...
have i realized the consequences of my actions, thoughts, and words
i have never felt this indescribable feeling
it's like a slap-in-the-face kinda feeling
something like that

i have never meant to hurt one
i have never caused one to think of such things
i have never thought one would think of such things
well, what to do...
all the while i've been thinking bout me only

there are things or feelings which i wish i can take them back
u know the feeling when u get when u accidently say or do something
and u wanna take it back
u can take back the words
u can say sorry
but nothing u can do in ur power to erase or heal the wound that has been caused
nothing u can do to erase the pain
the hurt
the cruel stab in the heart

there are many times when i wish i can turn back the time
when i wish that i can do or say something better
when i wish that i didnt say that
or i didnt do that

one thing i have never admitted to one
is that i have the fear of losing one too
i fear that someday
another beautiful, talented, sweet, etc etc
would come and sweep one off one's feet

no matter how much one says that one wont
that one will love me and me alone
i still feel that fear
that fear that grips me almost every single day

so tell me
how do i be less sensitive?
how do i be less jealous?
how do i be more loving?
how do i be more caring?
how do i be more thoughtful?
how do i be more considerate?

how do i think before i act?
how do i weigh the consequences?
how do i love one unconditionally?
how do i reason with my exaggerating thoughts?
how do i calm the whirlwind of thoughts inside of me?

i want to be the kind of girl
that will always be considerate
that will always be kind
that will always be loving
that will always be sweet
that will always be beautiful (in his eyes)
that will always be thoughtful

i want to be the girl of HIS dreams
this handsome fellow down there

* my "yau yeng" leng chai *

danielle lim

jon, kevin, and i went to visit the latest edition to our cradle roll class today. oh my goodnesss. seriously... she was so cute. so tiny. fingers and toes was quite long. she likes to smile alot. wonder what is she dreaming bout. she fell asleep in my arms.

* she looked so small and i looked so big *
gosh!

* he acted like a father. seriously. can faint *

* look at the way she sleep *

botswana friends

* mpho *
she's really funny. can make u laugh. every single thing she does makes u laugh. everytime when we have 2 hours break, we'll go to the mamak near atria. and she'll make a big fuss in the mamak until we're known there. everytime we go there, the worker's will be shaking their heads and laugh

* kenei *
pronounced as kenny. she's also another funny one. really really sweet. very nice to be around with. she likes to sit with one of my friends. likes to disturb him alot. hahaa.

one thing i found out about botswana ppl is that they are very touchy. and in our culture... or maybe it's just me... we dont really like to touch here and there. so sometimes i feel abit weird talking to the guys cuz they like to touch and put their hands on ur shoulder and all. feel awkward. dont like it.

these 2 girls, i have to say, are the most friendly among the botswana students in my class. and there's like more botswana ppl than msians in my class okayyyy.. so u can imagine

p.s their names is the shorter version. they have super long and hard to pronounce names

2nd dinner for my dearest

on tuesday night we had a bday dinner for my dearest. it was a really great and fun dinner. so many things that happened made us laugh till our stomachs hurt. it was definitely an enjoyable one.

* yummy *
obviously it's not cooked by me. my dad made it. once again didnt get to take picture of all the food. we were too hungry. ahaha. as always

* look at andrew*
hahaha.. sorry. it was inevitable. i couldnt resist but to put this up. ahahha!!

there's a story to this. 1st funny event. the justea wasnt cold enough so we had to resort to pouring it into the cup with ice. so everyone was squeezing away. and joseph, who was so smart, he used the straw to spray everything out where else the rest of us was squirting justea all over the table. ahaha.

* wonder why?*

hahaha. 2nd funny event. im sure u must be wondering why is he taking picture with the hose. well, hahahahaha. he wanted to wash his hands. so he walked over and when andrew was saying "just dont......" then it happened. he turned it too much so the water was very strong. so the hose was flying every where and he was practically wrestling with the hose. hahahah!!! it was seriously so funny. oh my goodness.

* the girls *



* the guys *
they took more pictures than the girls okay. didnt post more. therefore, they are more vain than us

this 2 pictures above was really hard to take. reason why the light in front of us was a motion sensor light. whatever u call it. so everytime andrew is ready to take the picture, the light goes off. so we had to keep moving our hands. when andrew says 1,2,3... the light goes off. bahs. seriously we stood there for dont-know-how-long okayyyyyyy. can faint. ahahha.

* thanks u guys for making the night so memorable for my darling *

* my very own small boy *
(eventhough he's 20 di)

* a special bday present only for him *

u know what i just realize????? sheesh!!! it's a tuesday night!!! and which ice cream place has discount on that night????????? on every tuesday night???? SWENSON'S LAAAA!!! EARTHQUAKE!!!! sheeeshhhhhhh...

give me answers

just random thoughts of the day

• im happy that im done and over with my presentation. felt super formal in college today. felt like a super huge and heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders

• im having holiday next monday because spm results are out. yay yay! that means i get to go for vbs! hallelujah praise the Lord! at least i get to go for like 2 days or something?

• why do i always feel like i love one more?

this i have to tell the whole story...

yesterday.. in the comp lab.. my group and i was done preparing for our presentation today. so i took my stuffs that asked them whether we're done...


" okay.. are we done yet?"
"yeah.. we're done"
*esther takes HER own paper from the pile of papers*
"heyyy.. u cant take that paper. it's mine"
"nooooo.. it's mine. i wrote it down. i copied from u guys. i even have my own stuff written here"
"no no. let me see"
*stands there patiently. asking God to help me control my temper*
"okay then. i'll copy it down"
"okay"
*passes the paper back to me and i collect my stuff and prepare to leave*
"let me see ur file"
"what?"
"let me see ur file"
"okay....."
*then she checks through all the stuff in my file making sure that i dont take anything that belongs to them*
i was like WHAT THE HECKKKKKKK?????!!!!!! sheesh.. but i was like reasoning with myself. like telling myself to calm down. it's fine. nevermind.

so today... the same thing happened again. she lost her summary paper. which i personally printed out for her. i mean i have all the needed info in my thumbdrive. i can print it out anytime i want. do i need hers at all???

"esther. can i see ur file? i need to check something"
*esther thinks.. wahh.. again ar.. fine fine*
she literally searched every single page wei. every single paper that i have, she searched.

i was so pissed off! seriously! their attitudes is so unlovable. i know that i should love just as God love us. but but but.... how?????? how am i suppose to do that???? how am i suppose to show love to them when their attitude sucks???

all bout loving u

time spent with u is never enough,
the journey of our lives is always tough,
the roads are either smooth or rough,
but i know that ur the one that i'll always love

my dearest darling sweetheart honey baby

lesson #1

sighhhh.. God is teaching me over and over again to smile and to give Him praise that is due His name. but but but.... how??

how do i do that?
how do i praise Him in my sufferings?
how do i smile when all i wanna do is cry?
how do i laugh when all i can see is sadness?

sometimes u find it hard to do the simplest thing u can do
but most of the time
simple things is just what u need


thanks justea deariez for reminding me that God is my true joy. not other ppl or circumstances but He is the reason for my joy and my SOURCE of joy.


i better learn this lesson fast. God is trying to teach me how to praise Him in sufferings for countless times. but up till today, i still havent master that. sheesh. i can imagine God like getting so frustrated that i cant learn such a simple thing. i know i would. like when i teach someone something and they still dont understand. no matter how many examples or exercises that i give. wahhh.. that'll be super frust wei. ahha. better not make Him angry

cg lunch pot bless at delz house

* claire & cia *
eventhough sometimes claire is naughty, but she is really lovable. a great friend indeed. love u claire!
cia, not gonna say much cuz she knows that she's good all too well. hahah

* yian *
appreciate her friendship. im so blessed with great friends

* the group *
fun bunch of ppl. notice the leaves? ed and some of the guys was collecting it to throw to add some effect. ahaha.

* the girls *

goodbye cny! *tear*

the houses that we visited =)

* aunty ruby's *
first house

* nelson's *

* dax & eve's house *
eve is no longer pregnant. their daughter danielle came out few days later =)

* aunty see wei's house *

* andrew & michie's house *

* the visitation would have been bored without these crazy ppl *

* then off to euginie's *


* jared's *
only jon, yian, and i went

* yian yian *

presentation that is due soon!

sigh. i have no idea where to start my ever so sad story. guess i'll start from the beginning of my then-unnoticed-problem?

well, i was put into a group without choice. i didnt get to choose the members of my group because like what i said earlier. i didnt have a group. sigh. another sad story. anyways, this is worse. so there is like 2 girls ( me and another girl ) and 3 other guys. alot of ppl in my group didnt do any research. only 1 or 2. but i didnt notice the problem then. but as time flew by oh-so-quickly, it was the week before chinese new year.

then my lecturer told us that we have to do our presentation the week after chinese new year. then did i feel the pressure. told my group that we really need to settle on a topic. then summarize it during cny. but noooooo.. none of us did the research. they wanted to meet for a discussion during cny but i couldnt cuz i had plans made. they sounded really disappointed at me. but heyyy... it was easy for them to meet up cuz they stay in the hostel and im the only one not staying there.

i showed them my research bout aneroxia but they didnt want it. they took my other group members topic. bout the religions view of homosexuals.

but we managed to meet up on tuesday i think. in the end, we didnt conclude with something serious. the only thing i remember was that im suppose to do the powerpoint because they didnt know how to do it. so okay... i took the job. i finished it on that day itself too. so the next day, we were suppose meet up. but cuz they are from botswana. the language course students were having some lunch for them to show them bout our chinese culture and cny and stuff. so fine... said we'll meet after. but one of them called and told me that we cant meet up for discussion cuz they dont know what time the lunch would end.

so fine then... i'll go home and start my revision for the horrible exam today. when i was going home, she called me and say their lunch has ended and asked whether we can meet up.

"cant cuz im already on the way home and i gotta study for my exam tmr"
"ahh. no we must meet up today"
(estee thinks... wah lau.. u think what? im very free ar?)
"okay.. i'll see whether i can go back"

so i told them i can go back cuz i can have the car. so i drove to college. circled for bout 30 mins. still no parking space. what to do. that time was like 2 something. how to find parking??? arent ppl still having lunch or whatever? so i called her

"sorry. i really cant find parking space la. can we meet another day?"
"what? that's not a reason"
"but really.. i've been going round for 30 mins and i cant find parking"
"no. u cant. u cant say that. u made us miss the bus. and now u say u cant find parking?"
"then what do u want me to do? i cant find parking!" (getting agitated)
"are u really outside of college?"
"yes!" (thinking what kinda stupid question is that)
"then i come out and get the paper"
"what paper?"
"the paper that u typed"
"it's in my thumbdrive" (besides she has one handwritten di. what for she wants the typed one?)
"ahhh.. okay then....."
blablabla. dont know what nonsense she's talking cuz i was really angry at that time
"i was thinking that we do the research for other religions"
"u want us to do the research?!"
"no i said WE!"
"and how are u going to do?"
"emmm, i have a computer at home?" (like duh!)
"oh alright"

at 10 something at night.. she called..
"hello esther. have u done the research?"
"noo.. im studying for my exam tmr."
"ahhh. esther. but u said u are going to do the research"
(estee thinks " wah lauuu!! me???? how dare she?? it's suppose to be everyone researching")
"why? u? have u done the research?"
"no i dont have a computer"

WHAT THE HECK??????????????????????? BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE U REVENGING?????????? U TRYING TO GIVE ME A NONSENSE STATEMENT AR? I KNOW I KNOW. ME SAYING THAT I CANT FIND A PARKING IS ABIT STUPID. BUT IT'S REAL. AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO BOUT IT. BUT U??!!! NO COMPUTER???!!! WAHHHHH!!!! *boiling inside*

"okay okay. i'll do the research"

today... in class... they approached me..
"what happened yesterday?"
"i couldnt find parking"
"ahhh. it's okay. it's the past. forget bout the past and focus on the future. so what's the future? when are we meeting?"
"i dont know. ask shatani (the idiotic girl)"

another one came after a while...
"what kind of reason was it yesterday?"
"what?"
"are u lying?"
"nooo why would i lie bout such thing?"
"are u sure u go to church?"
*cleans ear and hope that i heared wrongly*
"what?"
"are u sure u go to church? are u a christian? i dont think u go to church. cuz u are lying. how can u lie? im sure u were lying down on ur bed saying that u cant meet"

WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *boiling boiling. steam coming out from my ears* DONT PUSH MY LIMITS DUDE! U GUYS CAN GO AROUND AND LAUGH BOUT MY REASON YESTERDAY. AND THAT'S THE LIMIT. BUT NOW I CANT TAKE THIS! SAYING THAT IM LYING THAT IM A CHRISTIAN? SAYING THAT I DONT GO TO CHURCH? CALLING ME A LIAR!!!! FUIHH DUDE!!! U'VE REACHED MY LIMIT!!!! U'VE OVER STEP THE BORDER

i was sitting there looking at him. i just shut up and stare at him. then my friend talked to me and i didnt reply anything whatsoever from then on. i just sat there. trying to fight the tears from coming. thoughts racing in my mind. smsing kevin. telling him to just kill me. and for them to say that they are christians are seriously bullshit! i cant take this anymore!

shatani, the other girl from my group. is showing effort la. wants to meet up and all. she did the research thing and summarized the article. she passed some to the guys to summarize. but they came back with nothing but blank pieces of paper.

me, slides. research bout other religion. add some to the summary

the other 3 guys....?????
what bout the other 3 guys????
are they doing anything????
nooooooooooooooooooooooooo...!

so what now????
nothing
nothing but speechless

they are really unlovable
oh God pls give me Your love
i know that You put me in that group for some reason
whatever crazy reason
pls oh God
pls!!!!
i beg of You
get me out of this!!!

the ppl from botswana.....
no comments
only a few of them can be really good friends with

why cant i find friends like i had during my high school time? life then was so nice. easy to mix around with friends. no complications whatsoever. no major differences of character. everyone accepted each other's weaknesses. nobody said mean things to hurt each other. things were settled nicely.

but now???????? seeee...!!! one of the most important reasons why i didnt wanna go to college. to face such things.

God! pls give me a mouth full of praise! pls help me not to complain! let my words and thoughts worship and praise U oh God! i know U wont let me go through this alone

am i really that bad a person? that bad that no one wants to be my friend?

finally! the exam is over! *phew*

sigh. well, just to start off by saying thank u to everyone who prayed for my malaysian studies exam today. emmm, to me, i think i didnt do my best. tried to cramp over 200 pages of "nonsense" into my head since last night and today. but manage to cramp only a few stuff. it turns out that the tips that my lecturer gave out was absolutely 100% accurate. everything she said that is gonna come out, really came out.

i was really shivering when i entered the auditorium today. it's like my feet was moving but my mind keep telling it to stop and turn around. the amount of students was like eye-popping kind. not to mention the number of chairs and tables that filled the auditorium was intimidating. when i was sitting there waiting for the exam to start, i was praying so hard that if i had a chance to get down on my knees then and there, i would man! haha. that was how desperate i was.

there was this huge clock standing right smack at center of the stage in the auditorium, staring down at us. clicking away. i slowly counted down to the time when the exam was going to start. heart beat racing. stuff memorized began to slowly slip away from my mind. prayer was shouted in my mind. then.... my lecturer told us that we can begin. as my hand slowly turned the page open, i squeezed my eyes shut for a moment to say another silent prayer. as i open my eyes to see my very first question. the first thought that came into my mind was..... hoh shit! what the heck is this??? have i even learn this before???

so now praying that i wont get a 0 for my exam. at least 10%? haha. but at least i still have presentation and portfilio to boost my marks up. so hopefully i get to pass this useless malaysian studies. sheesh

that's the end of my story =)