u know for a moment i was crying. never knew why the tears still stream down my eyes. weird huh. guess ill never know. guess i really loathe myself. deep down inside of me.. really want to be nice to my family, and my parents especially. u might think what kinda weird person am i and why cant i just do it. but i guess its just me or the way im brought up or just our asian culture, that i find it really hard to show my love and care for them. sometimes i just cant help but feel so left out and times where i ask myself whether i was really born in this family at all. sometimes i really thought i was adopted, cuz i feel that my parents dont really treat me very special. i dont understand why they restrain me from things and sometimes i even feel they dont care bout me and care bout my brothers only. sometimes in my mind i like talk to myself. "okay i should go and hug my mum and say sorry or i should say thank u for something nice they did for me" but i could never get up that courage to do that. and sometimes i really hate myself cuz of that. u wouldnt know how much i hate myself man. u might think its bad. but i grew up hating myself. in every single thing, i just hate myself. my bro could choose to hate me and why i threw a BIG and HUGE tantrum just cuz he bought a new phone or he could choose to still love me. i guess what it says in the Bible saying that u should return evil for good and not evil with evil. my bro really did that to me but at least its not until the THAT extend that i did evil to him. but im really appreciative that his girlfriend called me to ask me what phone i want to get. when my mum asked me to quickly hurry up and change so that they can go buy me a phone, inside of me i wanted to jump for joy. i really felt happy that finally i can go and get a new phone. but on the outside my pride was fully up. and i cant just take back my words and all. i said i dont want their sympathy and i dont want them to buy a phone cuz i throw a big fit. inside me i know ill never get this chance again. this situation where my mum suddenly wants to buy me a new phone. i've talked to her before that i want to save and get a new phone but she said for what i want to get a new phone. and now... my dream finally came thru. inside me, im SOOOOO SOOOOO happy and jolly.. but how am i to show it out? i think maybe i AM from this family cuz i notice all three of us(the siblings) have almost the same character. like we have our prides, temper, and everything la. almost the same man. i dunno how am i going to have the courage to say sorry that i threw a big tantrum and am thankful that they went and buy me a new phone.
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