*hate myself for losing u*

i woke up today
woke up wide awake
in an empty bed
staring at an empty room
i have myself to blame
for the state i'm in today

and i dont know what to say
and i dont know anyway, anymore

i hate myself for losing u
i seeing it all so clear
i hate myself for losing u
what do u do when u look in the mirror
and staring at u is why he's not here

u got what u deserved
hope are u happy now
cause everytime i think of her with u
its killing me inside
and now i dread each day

what do u say when everything u said
is the reason why he left u in the end
how do u cry when every tear u shed
wont ever bring him back again
i hate myself for losing u

*behind these hazel eyes*

seems like yesterday, u were a part of me
i used to stand so tall, i used to be strong
ur arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable, like nothing can go wrong

now i cant breathe, no i cant sleep
im barely hanging on

here i am, once again
im torn into pieces, cant deny it, cant pretend
just thought u were the one
broken up, deep inside
but u wont get to see the tears i cry
behind these hazel eyes

i told u everything, opened up and let u in
u made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be
so together, but broken up inside

swallow me, then spit me out
for hating u, i blame myself
seeing u, it kills me now
no, i dont cry on the outside anymore

emotions still taking over

its been a long long time since i've posted huh. i've been kinda lazy to write actually. haha. cuz i was so into reading the books that delicia borrowed me. well, my life has been kinda normal lately. but one thing. after reading the books that delicia had borrowed me, i felt different. i was so confident in my faith with God. i didnt doubt at all whether God is listening. and i felt that i could talk to Him any time any where. cuz in the book, whenever the girl has trouble, she'll just start praying in her head, pray out loud for other ppl, just pray whenever she feels the Holy Spirit leading. i really felt inspired when i read the book. last time i used to think that we dont need to keep praying. like what's the use of praying since God knows it all. but after reading the book, i realized the power of prayer. certainly prayer can move mountains. it may not be literally mountains. but stumbling blocks in ur life. and i wished that my family was like the girl's family in the book. she's a pastor's daughter and it was easy for her to talk to her family bout anything that she's going through. i wish i had that priviledge to just pour out my feelings to my parents and family and that i could pray with them whenever i feel sad or need help. it certainly made me want to grow up to be that kinda parent for my kids next time. hehe. i've finally have the passion to read books. i used to find reading boring. but now. WOAH! reading is superb and fun and u get to learn loads of stuff. hehe. and of course, improve on ur english. =)

tmr is camp. and i just dont feel prepared. i feel like i want to stay home and not go anywhere but lay on my bed. i know that satan is putting that thought in me. and i need to be strong and ask God to help me focus on Him instead of anything else. i kept asking myself why i dont feel excited and happy to go for camp anymore. i still havent get that answer yet. but hopefully i can prepare my heart before i go for camp.

sometimes i wish i was in HER shoes. having the guy of ur dreams to love u and care for u. i keep telling myself that he's not worth all my trouble and attention if he doesnt love and care for me back. sometimes i'll go into the depression mode. i mean i can say that im over it and trying to be cheerful now. but of course there are times when i will think back. but oh well. after that ill just snap out of it and be happy again. hehe. sometimes i wish i can not let my emotions take over me. but its hard. i guess i should start giving my emotions to God huh. maybe i should. hehehe. well, i guess i better get going. should be packing now. but too lazy. maybe ill do it tmr. hmmmm.. ahhhh.. think bout it later. i wont be blogging for few days. since ill be in camp and all. hehe. *cheers* =)

this is me

i was thinking of what i should write lately... cuz i know i shouldnt be writing bout my depressions here.. and i know i've been struggling with my feelings and emotions. i have been really stubborn bout certain decisions that had to be made and i have been running away from settling it with myself. i know i have said this a million times. but no matter what.. im still gonna say this.. i think i have finally got out of this depression mode. during this few days, not once, was i even depressed. delicia passed me this book just now in church. and when i read it. it really reminded me of how God really cares and puts my interests first. i have been taking God for granted and even neglecting Him and sometimes unintentionally blaming God of what had happen to me. but i read in ecclesiastes 7:14 "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." i extremely like the part where it says that God has created both. to me. to my point of view. i feel that i should go through some bad times and grief and all. now, u might think what is wrong with this esther?! is she crazy?! why does she want to feel sadness and grief and going through bad times? but if i dont go through those rough times and keep having good times. then i will start to have pride and think that i dont need God. since life is like so easy for me. i think sometimes God allows bad things to happen to bring us back down to earth and remember that God has everything in control when we start to place everything into His hands. i often take things into my own hands and start to think "bahhh. i can do it on my own. wait till i cant do it. then ill just go and ask God." im slowly learning to put things in God's hands. believing and trusting Him that everything will work out to the bestest! well now all i can say that im glad God has use justina to even knock some sense into my thick skull and i really appreciate that. hehe. i can feel a full burden that is lifted up from me. all this other time when i said that im finally gotten over everything. i didnt feel like this.. i didnt feel the burden lifting off of me. i wanted to make myself feel contented and forcing myself to get over it. and worse still. using my own strength to do it. i start to realize that when i ask God to even help me and give me His strength, things work out better than i have ever imagine. i dont need to put my hopes on man. i can put my hopes on God instead. way way way better solution. i just want to end by thanking God for everything that He has placed in my life. from friends to family to church leaders to every single sunshine and rain. i would never trade anything to be in my situation now. sometimes i tend to think of me me me and my problems that i forget that out there, there are more ppl who is facing worse problems than my guy problems. hehe. THANKS FOR BEING SO SPECIAL IN MY LIFE! *winkz*

*s.m.s*

lil castles in the air
still cant trust desire, dont want no vanity fair
but a girl's got dreams u cant deride.. so have i
didnt ask, u said u'd call
its been a few months and still no worde from u
tell me.. could this be true?
what'd i do wrong?
almost 'business as usual' but just as im bout to come to..

u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
do u really think that ill drop my plans to be at ur side
the things u do.. should i do a thing for u?
something's so wrong
u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
suddenly the lil thing i've got going seems to come to a grind
depend on u? aint a simple thing to do
still, its alright.. i know it's all by design

questions drown me once again
just an answer straight from u would do
tell me what i should do..quit fooling around
we can work this thing through
lets not wait for when the though times come

love is patient, love is kind
what's done in faith aint no waste of time
know the stars still shine-dont go out of ur mind
when ur looking through the window, there's no one u can find
Lord, im grateful that my name's in the palm of Your hand
when ppl let me down, i hang on to Your plan
things could be easier but i will survive
when im done being under ill be riding at the front line

*part of a fool*

i've been there before and i just cant let go
the memories and pain of the hurt i know
now deep in the night, there's a passion inside
dare i follow my heart

an innocent smile, then walk in the night
then its dinner at home served with candlelight
and its been quite a while since i felt good inside
dare i follow my heart?
do i feel something special inside of u?
do i know what u really think of me?

and the raindrops keep falling into my heart
and i just cant deny what feels so right
do i let myself go and feel the rain?
or should i play with caution and refrain?
whatever i do, when it comes to u
i know sometimes love plays the part of a fool

i know what's in store thought i cant say much more
a chance worth the taking has opened its doors
and i cant say i love u, and i cant say i dont
but i do wish i knew

*wishing for u*

it often doesnt matter how it starts
the best things can happen with a gentle touch
im not ashamed to say i would be more than okay
if by some chance u'd just ask me to stay
do i see a twinkle of hope that's in ur eyes?
when u smile it feels so right, its no surprise
its only u and i under the stars of tonight
do we dare take it to where it feels right?

how do i see what's right for me
do i deny what's inside?

if i had wings i would fly
lifting my soul to the skies
if i had nine lived to live
wish i had u to be with
if i could make dreams come true
of all the things i would do
i know that i would be wishing for u

dont get me wrong, i dont live a life of dreams
but sometimes its easier for me
why does it feel so right believing it day and night?
wishing that someday u might be with me

*why oh why?*

the moments i cant pretend
the 'sorry's i should have sent
the thought of u being in despair tears my heart out right away
i just wasnt prepared

imperfection that's what i am
confusion just took its stnad
i guess that i shouldnt have pretend to love u anyway
i wont give up again

so tell me why oh why
should there be a reason to love
why oh why
i dont need another
i want nothing else but being with u
and with u i know why

the only thing ill take with me
the eyes that smile so tenderly
everytime i think bout u
u make everything seem right
u make wishes come true

if only i knew what u needed was some love
i could have given u the best that u deserve
there's no one else id rather share my life that with u
think of whats between us
and love will help to guide us

explaining my last post's title

well, u guys who have been reading my blog, knows that i've been down and depressed lately. i have decided not to post anymore of those. i shall write bout something else di. hehe. but before i really stop posting all this.. i just want to say that after what happened today, i felt like kinda depressed cuz i dont have a person to go and share my happiness and joy and sadness and angriness and all my emotions. i know there's God to turn to. but..... bahhhh! whatever la.. nevermind. hehe. nevermind. =) so okay.. just wanna say that ill stop writing all the sad sad things =)

in that mood again! oh no!

oh yeah. just before i start my babbling. i just wanna say that I DID IT!!! i manage to say sorry to my mum and say thank u for buying me a new phone! weee! hahaha! lolz. so anyway, let me start with today. i woke up late. rushed to get ready. then when we were on the federal highway, we met with an accident. seriously scary! now when i sit in the car, im like extra conscious of what's happening around me. and im kinda scared when u turn corners or like turn left or right. cuz it just brings me back memories of the accident.. wondering what happened? so here goes...

we were driving down the bridge at the motorola and justina said that she actually saw smaller size rocks(smaller than the one we hit la). then we were kinda speeding. then suddenly out of no where, in the middle of the road. there was a huge rock. and francis couldnt swurve in time, so we hit the huge rock and the tyre punctured and we swurve to the left and made a curve to the right. and guess where were we.. that's right! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY WEIIII!!!!!! then suddenly a car came and bang us. and everything stopped. thank God it was just a kancil and nothing BAD happened to the kancil or us. thank God it wasnt a huge lorry or a bus cuz after we were at the side, there were loads of buses and lorries passing by. really thank God! after the whole thing happened, me and jessica looked at each other with our mouths opened. then while francis and the 'pat kua' passer-bys were talking bout stuffs outside the car, we kinda like wondering whether it really happened. it like in a blink of an eye, everything happened. i was thinking.. "woah! did that really happened?" it was like soooooooo scary kayyyy!!! i was telling just and jess that i felt i sat in a roller coaster but a more scarier one. i pity the poor lady who was driving the kancil. when we at the side of the road, she walked out like shivering and everything. if it was me, i serious would have peed in my pants or like cry or something. seriously.. very very scary. just now when my dad was driving for dinner just now, he was speeding, i was seriously scared and i asked him to slow down. cuz seriously the accident keeps replaying in my mind.

yayyyy!!!!!

i got my new phone!!! and its better than i expected.. i wanted the e330c since i thought it'll be cheaper.. but instead of got the e630c. super cool leh.. *winkz* thanks God! i really prayed really hard for that phone.. hehe

tears streams down my face

u know for a moment i was crying. never knew why the tears still stream down my eyes. weird huh. guess ill never know. guess i really loathe myself. deep down inside of me.. really want to be nice to my family, and my parents especially. u might think what kinda weird person am i and why cant i just do it. but i guess its just me or the way im brought up or just our asian culture, that i find it really hard to show my love and care for them. sometimes i just cant help but feel so left out and times where i ask myself whether i was really born in this family at all. sometimes i really thought i was adopted, cuz i feel that my parents dont really treat me very special. i dont understand why they restrain me from things and sometimes i even feel they dont care bout me and care bout my brothers only. sometimes in my mind i like talk to myself. "okay i should go and hug my mum and say sorry or i should say thank u for something nice they did for me" but i could never get up that courage to do that. and sometimes i really hate myself cuz of that. u wouldnt know how much i hate myself man. u might think its bad. but i grew up hating myself. in every single thing, i just hate myself. my bro could choose to hate me and why i threw a BIG and HUGE tantrum just cuz he bought a new phone or he could choose to still love me. i guess what it says in the Bible saying that u should return evil for good and not evil with evil. my bro really did that to me but at least its not until the THAT extend that i did evil to him. but im really appreciative that his girlfriend called me to ask me what phone i want to get. when my mum asked me to quickly hurry up and change so that they can go buy me a phone, inside of me i wanted to jump for joy. i really felt happy that finally i can go and get a new phone. but on the outside my pride was fully up. and i cant just take back my words and all. i said i dont want their sympathy and i dont want them to buy a phone cuz i throw a big fit. inside me i know ill never get this chance again. this situation where my mum suddenly wants to buy me a new phone. i've talked to her before that i want to save and get a new phone but she said for what i want to get a new phone. and now... my dream finally came thru. inside me, im SOOOOO SOOOOO happy and jolly.. but how am i to show it out? i think maybe i AM from this family cuz i notice all three of us(the siblings) have almost the same character. like we have our prides, temper, and everything la. almost the same man. i dunno how am i going to have the courage to say sorry that i threw a big tantrum and am thankful that they went and buy me a new phone.

......

no one is there
pushed to the edge
depressing thoughts fills my mind
tears streams down my face
people who i think cares for me
feels so far away
God feels so far away
nobody to turn to

nobody to run to
no shoulder to cry on
nobody to hug me to comfort
whatever i do or say
is wrong no matter what
locked up in my own world
waiting for someone to rescue me

everywhere i go
i see happy faces
filled with smiles and laughters
happiness and joy
but for me
its the direct opposite

i may look happy
but u wouldnt know that deep down
im hurting
i tried to cover it up
with smiles and laughter
but when im all alone
tears and sadness is all i see

people can advice me
tell me what i need to hear
telling me that God is here
but at the end of the day
im still lost in my own world
no matter how loud i shout
nobody hears
i just hate myself

i wonder if there's people out there like me
i wonder if people who's reading this understands
i dont expect people to understand
i dont even want a comment
i think most of the time i've been finding for worldly joy
that's why it lasts for few minutes
or maybe a split second

i feel like a hypocrite
i tell people what i learn
but i myself dont do it
i myself dont turn to God
i myself try to solve things on my own
i myself know the answers
i myself choose not to do it

i have dreams of doing things in church
but it all ends up just as a dream
i just feel like stopping whatever im doing
let me just be a seat warmer

sighhh...

this sucks wei. everytime i ask my mum whether i can go out. she like whatever. just go out and stuff like that. and she says that my dad dont like fetching me here and there. but isnt it one of the responsibilities of a parent? its not like i can drive u know. if i can drive ill be zooming here and there. and everytime she's like so disappointed at me. how do i know what she wants or thinks. like i can read her mind. it would help if she states down some rule or even talk to me bout what she wants me to do or like during holidays stay at home or something. she doesnt even talk to me bout all this u know. sometimes i envy some of my friends cuz their mum is like always talking to them bout anything. like talk bout guys, relationships, everything la that teenagers go through. bah. whatever la. maybe my mum grew up in a family where they dont talk much and all. but still. argh! whatever! dont care di la. im going to go out today and have fun and forget bout my sadness. shits la. i've been putting on weight cuz im soo depressed this few days. and eating is like so comforting man. argh! whatever di la! dont want to talk bout this di.