miss my cousins alot!
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my bunch of crazy girlfriends! love them to bits and pieces!
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*who am i* (maybe i shall just post a song for today)

who am i, that the Lord of the earth
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt
who am i, that the Bright Morning Star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

not because of who i am
but because of what U've done
no because of what i've done
but because of who U are

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
vapor in the wind
still U hear me when im calling
Lord, U catch me when im falling
and U've told me who i am
i am Yours
whom shall i fear
cuz i am Yours

aiks

just now something happened. i think my comp kena virus. so had to do loads of stuff. not me. but my bro helped me. hehe. so anywayz, whatever i wrote before i kena the virus is all gone cuz i had to close all the windows, close every programs actually. so yeah. im kinda lazy to write di. since i have to rewrite everything. so i shall write some other time kays? hehe.

my poems again!

days are so cold and lonely,
couples that i see are so cuddly.
i hate what u put me through,
but i still love u.
things that i say are almost the same,
cuz with my heart ur playing games.
im wondering why ur doing this to me,
i want to be as happy as i can be.

i miss the warmth of ur embrace,
or even the sight of ur face.
i miss the sound of ur voice,
cuz all i hear now is noise.
im feeling so cold,
cuz in ur arms i wanna be hold.
are u too busy to even sms?
or are u just an ass.
my heart is crying out,
cuz its u i cant live without

today i passed by,
but i couldnt say hi.
i saw u walking in,
but i couldnt move an inch.
i was in the car,
which wasnt very far.
i wish i didnt let u go,
my heart i wanna throw.
im longing for ur touch,
is that too much?
tears stream down my eyes,
no one will ever hear my cries.

sadness fills my heart,
cuz we are apart.
tears fills my eyes,
everytime we said our goodbyes.
why do u treat me like this?
its u i really miss.
i feel so exasperated,
by the way u acted.
im not a toy for u to play,
the consequences u will pay.

my heart is filled with sorrow,
i wish it'll be better by tomorrow.
emotions is taking over,
nothing would cover.
anything for ppl will do, not for me without u.

when i've decided to be happy,
he calls and make me murky.
at least i dont feel it anymore,
not like before.
i shouldnt care,
or even bear.
i feel so numb,
and so so dumb.

as days goes by,
the more we say goodbye.
the more i try to safe us,
it becomes more useless.
im beginning to wonder who u really are,
i thought u were my shining star.
i hope u wont treat me like this,
but i guess that's only a wish.

peotic nya

hey gurl... wow... ur good at poetry, man! I could never come up with such stuffs...
Anyway, i just plopped by and read ur blogs...
wanna let u know that i know exactly what u mean ("Trying to Forget But Can't", April 11 2005)
I dont have any non-text-book answers for you either, sometimes i ask myself same questions too...
but i guess all i can say is, Everything's gonna be all right, Everything's gonna be okay.
One day you'll understand why you went through what you go through now.
One day you'll understand what to do for others or say to others because of what you've experienced now.
One day your white knight in shining armor sent from heaven will come and sweep you off your feet.
And one day, when you've reached the end of your life, contentedly sitting in your rocking chair,
you'd be able to say to yourself, "I've run the race, I've fought the good fight."
And then, then you'd see the entire picture, God's lifelong work of art on the painting of Esther's life,
and you'd understand how does the dark moments in your life fit beautifully into the painting to make all things beautiful.

So, take heart, and don't give up, 'cos God ain't finished His painting yet! ;)

Luv & Hugs... from me!

He has made everything beautiful in its time....

*purest of pain*

im sorry i didnt mean to call u
but i couldnt fight it
i guess i was weak and couldnt even hide it
and so i surrender just to hear ur voice
i know how many times i said im gonna live without u
and maybe soemone else is standing there beside u
but there's something that u need to know
that deep down inside i feel like dying
i have to see u that's all im asking

give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
living without u, my world's become so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

i wish i can tell u that im feeling better everyday
that it didnt hurt when u walked away
but to tell u the truth i cant find my way

*truth is*

after a while we began to talk again
told me that he likes someone
asked me to go to friendster
and showed me her photograph

i didnt feel anything at that time
cuz i liked someone else too
but when we started to get close
all the feelings that i thought was gone
came rushing back to me once again
i tried to hide the feeling
but it was too strong

(truth is) i never gotten over u
(truth is) i wish i was standing in her shoes
(truth is) when its all said and done
guess im still in love with u
(truth is) i never should have let u go
(truth is) and its killing me cuz now i know

we reminiscence on the way things used to be
shared a couple of laughes, couple of memories
talked bout the things that had change
some for good and some for bad

now the truth is it hurts
but i know that the fault is mine
cuz i let him go
tried to get over it
but its messing with my mind
i guess im still in love

blank.. speechless.. no comments

i just dont know what to say anymore. my emotions are taking over. i know im suppose to hand it all to God. but its not easy. i just dont know what to do adi. i feel like giving up. life is just so so so full of regrets. which sometimes i really hate myself for it. u might say i live too much in my past and regrets. but arghhhH!!! im trying kayyy! but it just doesnt work! i dont know what is wrong with me! am i not trying hard enough?

isit cuz i've hurt u when i said we should just be friends?
isit cuz i didnt keep in touch with u for 1 year plus?
thats why u treat me like this?
why dont u call me anymore?
why dont u sms me anymore?
do u know that it hurts?
are u too busy to even talk to me now?
are u too caught up with another girl?
i dunno why i still love u, even though u treated me badly
is this love?
or is this just plain stupidness?

why should we love? when we know that we'll end up hurt.
why should we love? when our hearts gets crushed into a million pieces.
why should we love? when u change into someone u dont know urself.
why should we love? when it makes us do silly things without thinking.

my poems which i've written every night

as another day goes by,
tears wanted to stream down my eye.
the pain stings my heart,
when we are apart.
smiles in me are drowning,
my heart is beginning to start frowning.
my mind cant seem to forget him,
he appears in everything.

he sms-es me when i least expect it,
making my heart melt into a million bits.
i wonder if he really cares for me,
or he's just too free.
my mind wonders oh so tragically,
and my heart wants to be happy.

why does things change so fast,
in a blink of an eye its the past.
my heart is hurting so badly,
and its loving him madly.
i feel like crying,
or even worse, die-ing.
why does love bring u up to cloud 9,
and ends in a matter of no time.

i cant explain how i feel now,
my heart is asking how.
my thoughts are all jumbled up,
i feel like giving up.
even though i dont like what he did to me,
memories of him still wont let me be.
i want to let him go,
but my heart is saying no

what to do with my future?!

i know im not suppose to be worrying bout my future cuz God is in control. but still i need to wonder and ask what i should do right. im still thinking on what course to study next time cuz i need to go around and check colleges around malaysia. bahhh. i just hat e to think bout my studies. ugh! so pray for me. pray that i can find a course that i wanna do

trying to forget but cant

im really really trying really really really hard to forget bout him. but i dunno why.. everywhere i go or whatever i do, reminds me of him. its surely once everyday. something will happen to remind me of him. i wonder why. ugh! i was and am chatting with eden bout this. and she agreed with me. i think this happens to everyone huh. i mean there are times where i can be free and totally happy that im single.. but there are also time where i keep thinking bout him and being sad cuz he has changed SOO SOO much till i dont even know who is he anymore. sometimes i cant even believe that i even thought of having a future with him. i really thought there was a possibility. its like a part of my heart is like being negative saying that it'll never happen. but most of my heart is like being all positive and stuff thinking that we both can a future together and everything. well, we all dont know what the future brings. maybe God is like changing him to become my dream guy or maybe changing someone else to be my dream guy. i dunno what God is doing. all i can do now is trust in God believing Him to bring me a great guy who will treat me like a lady and respect me and u know being my "dream guy". haha. sometimes i really wish that God would like show me my future in a dream so that at least i know something bout my future. cuz i worry too much. but i learned something. for what u wanna spend ur time worrying when u can do something better with ur "worrying-time". im trying to put that into practice. kinda hard though. saying is easy but doing is really really tough. sometimes i look around me. i feel like my friends life is all planned out. like they know what is their purpose here, what are they gonna do next time, and so on. and when i look at myself. aw man. *decides not to look anymore* sometimes i hate myself for living life aimlessly. actually, most of the time i hate myself cuz sometimes i just feel like im not being loved. like even my mum dont even trust me thinking that ill do something naughty or whatever. i feel so sad that she doesnt even trust me.


sometimes i feel what is the purpose im here. i mean its easy to answer "text-book answers" like ohhh we're here for one purpose God! God! and everything also God. i dont mean to sound anti-spiritual here. on sunday. when we had our timbrel meeting. aunt see wei brought up a few questions and it was so easy for us to say "of course we're dancing for God. who else would we dance for" and everything. but we really have to look down in ourselves and ask ourselves. think properly. dont just answer some typical answers. i dunno whether u understand what im saying. maybe u might take it in a different way. i dont know. life is so unpredictable. u may have a great time for a period of time, then suddenly everything ends and goes out of plan. i guess things happens for a reason. maybe one day when im older and "matured", ill understand why i had to go through that problem or struggle. when i overcome problems, surely one of my friends will come up to me and tell me the problem he/she is going through. i was like woah! such a coincidence. okay okay. its not a coincidence. its God's planning. in Romans 8:28 - everything happens for the good of the ppl He loves. there is another verse which i cant remember now. since my Bible is not at home, its at school. ill post it when i take back my Bible. i really love that verse and i even shared it when i was giving my testimony. its something like God brings u to a problem and He is the God of comfort who comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others that is like going through the same thing u know. i feel its really really true. cuz it comes through everytime i overcome a problem. hehe. anyway, i think i better go and sleep. get my beauty sleep. hehe. lolz. have a blessed week ppl! and thanks for reading! *winkz*

me again. another angle. haha
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me
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finally.. a change.. hehe

hello hello.. i've been wanting for a change a long long time ago. cuz kinda getting bored of seeing pink everytime i post u know. u must be like woah! esther?! is this esther?! saying that she's bored of pink? haha. never!!! lolz. but its just that i've seen it tooo long di.. so need some change mar.. ppl needs a change after a while. and ppl have been complaining that my blog is tooo pink.. but i need a lil pink in everything. so now im trying pink fonts.. i wonder if it'll be nice.. hehe.. i've not been talking bout bgr right? lolz. have i? hmmmm, maybe cuz at that period of time my mind was sooo caught up with bgr.. so naturally ill write bout it. since it practically controlled my emotions.. and that time!!! haha. not now.. now God controls my mind. hehe. sorry jared if i dont reply u poem with another poem. i shall wait till my brains work on poems again. haha. its like my brains need to recover from the last poetic post to rewrite another.

yesterday i had my first day of dance class, it was super fun. i loveeeeee to dance! ahhaha. although i cant keep up in some steps. but oh well. practice makes perfect right?! haha. lolz. so need to practice and get use to dancing. cuz after that my legs hurt soooo badly. must be cuz i've never exercised for so long. i only like walk once in a while when carene is free cuz i cant walk alone around my neighborhood u know. my parents will kill me.. haha. lolz. im still sick.. its like for dunno how many million years di. well, at least now im feeling better than before. so its a good thing. hehe. praise God for that =) hehe.

second post

see. now he's like sms-ing me like crazy pretending like nothing has ever happen. and everything is like normal. its like he's thinking that ill ever forgive him of all the things he has done to me. but oh well. i forgave him long long time ago. since i need to forgive ppl right. no use keeping grudges in my heart cuz it'll only kill and hurt me not other ppl anyway. aihhh.. all i can say is that God gives and takes away. but my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name!!!!!!!!

but why?

im still wondering. u know me and my thinking. why in the first place did he get close to me? and call me everyday. sms me everyday. ask me to go out everyday. and then now. all of a sudden. no calls/sms-es from him. nothing. i hear nothing from him. he treating me like this now makes me feel like i was used. like i was a stand-by person when the other girl he likes is not free or something. i was just thinking just now. throughout this few months of me being close to him, most of the time he calls me often is cuz he needs someone to listen to him. every single time he will be the one talking and complaining bout his depression and everything and when i want to say something. he wont listen or couldnt even care bout what im saying. like that day after the undang when we were walking to the car. i said im going to malacca later. he like didnt listen and continue talking and talking. then when i was on the way to malacca.. he called me and ask me where am i. i said im on the way to malacca. he was like. why u didnt tell??!! i was like i told u okay.. u just didnt listen and shrug it off. ish ish. and i felt so dumb to even let him let go his anger on me. i cant believe it that i even ignored the fact that he was so rude to me. there was once i was in the car with jared. then he called me. so i talked for a while la. then he asked me where i was going. i said got family dinner. then he said why always also got family dinner one. then i said cuz my uncle's from u.s came back.. (like harloooo! i told u!) then he was like what's their problem?! at that time when i heard that i dont know why. but i just keep telling myself "nahhh. he's just joking and everything." but things seem to have gotten worse after that. he started to be more and more rude to me. i felt like i dont know him anymore. like he has changed so so so much. i cant believe that i even thought that me and him had a possibility of getting back together when we're older. i just cant believe it that i even THOUGHT of it! oh my goodness! well, i wish good luck and all the best to the girl who likes him and vice versa. hope that he changes before he hurts any other girl.

- goodbye to u -

of all the things i believed in
i just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but i do not cry
counting the days that pass me by

words that im hearing are starting to get old
it feels like im starting all over again
goodbye to u
goodbye to everything that i knew
u were the one that i loved
the one that i tried to hold on to

i used to get lost in ur eyes
and having butterflies
and it seemed like i couldnt live a day without u
but now it isnt true

i could finally breath again
Godly happiness, by myself i cant gain
my days were filled with rain
but now my future with God it contains

God will give me a better person one day
all i've gotta do now is pray
no need to hurry
or even worry
cuz God has His plans
everything is in His hands

haha. crapz

well, u've notice my last post was mostly regretting bout my past. but.... now... haha. after certain things that i went thru with that idiot guy. im happy to say. that im happy being single! and not thinking bout this guy in my mind. now i can concentrate on my studies, friends, and everything else besides concentrating on one person only. im really glad cuz during sunday service the pastor practically like preached everything that i need to know. like all the answers to my question. well, at least now my ketua biri-biri and my kai cheh knows what im going through like updating them with my life. im really glad that i had the courage to go and tell them cuz after service i didnt feel like telling them di. but at last i decided to tell them. hehe. im kinda lazy to write out my whole process of rough time and struggles. id rather wanna write bout my conclusion! hehe. lolz. before this sunday, i really thought that my life was so miserable, really felt so used, felt so guilty, so depressed and everything. but now i settled everything with myself and God! really glad that i went for the planet shakers concert, though i had to skip yf but it was worth it cuz i really could feel God's touch again.