*why oh why*

the moments i cant pretend
the sorry's i should have sent
the thought of u being in despair
tears my heart out right away
i just wasnt prepared

imperfection that's what i am
confusion just took it's stand
i guess that i shouldnt pretend to love u anyway
i wont give up again

so tell my why oh why
should there be a reason to love
why oh why
i dont need another
i want nothing else but being with u
and with u i know why

the one thing ill take with me
the eyes that smile so tenderly
every time i think about u
u make everything seem right
u make wishes come true

if only i knew what u needed was some love
i could have given u the best that u deserve
there's no one else id rather share my life than with u
think of what's between us
and love will help to guide us

why oh why
should there be a reason to love
why oh why
i dont need another
i want nothing else but being with u
and with u ill know why

finally!!

i updated my post bout the "cg on the outside" on saturday itself.. and finally today im able to put it up. *wipes sweat* it was seriously so irritating. i was so geram. then finally today.... it is up *grins*






i have lots of thoughts
lots of things going through my mind
lots of emotions
lots of stuff which i dont understand

i dont know why im feeling the way i am
why i suddenly think so much
why i feel sad
why tears just keeps coming
why im so emotional
why i keep breaking down
i dont know why

only God knows the answer
knows what's truly going on inside of me
knows what i really feel
knows who i am
only God knows

i try to reason with myself
try to understand myself
try to ask myself why
try to find out myself
try to stop myself from thinking too much
try to do everything myself

but i guess only God can do it
only He can do wonders
only He can change me
only He can help me overcome this
only He can understand

i gotta admit
sometimes i think more than i need to
sometimes i hate myself
sometimes i really really REALLY do hate myself
sometimes i overreact
sometimes i take things too personal

i still have lots to change
still have lots to do till i become as perfect as God
still have tons of rough edges to smoothen
still have broken parts that needs to be patched up
still have frowns that needs to be turned into smiles
still have tears that needs to be turned into joy

but i know with God
im already a winner
He has already overcome all my imperfectness

cg on the outside

actually im abit too lazy to update my blog. but oh wells. as i was scanning through other ppl's blogs. i realize how nice isit to read bout new stuff. like entering into the blog and reading bout something new. not seeing the same old thing over and over again. so i guess i should update it la. im too bored of mine anyways. need more pictures. so this blog is mostly bout pictures. no nonsensical rantings whatsoever *sweet smile*



this time we had it in delz's house. we were the only caregroup having it in the afternoon. all the rest had it in the morning. we were just summarizing all the 5 serieses.. if there is such word. the word, prayer, worship, fellowship, and evangelism series. it was a awesome 15 weeks of it. something different la.

* never ending smiles, laughters, craziness *
just love her =)

* the culprits *

* the result *
we had buckets and buckets of this

* cg *
why arr... we never get to take a complete cg picture

* jessica & i *
how much she has grown

* how much all of us have grown *

* what are they looking at? *
i like this picture. they look so nice

* the wonderful sky *
it was raining but it stopped when we decided to play games. after much prayer =)

* josh *
so smart & cute
he was our "protector" from the water & water balloons

* claire *
praise God that she accepted Christ =)

* my cousie *
love her =)

wondering why am i so dry? ahahah. cuz i didnt participate in it. if not who would have taken all the candid shots. hahaa. actually i wasnt THAT dry la. they managed to wet some parts of me. and the worst part was that they manage to get my phone too. i thought it was no big deal. so i just dried the outside of my phone and used it for a while. but after that i couldnt on it at all. seriously. i was so heart broken. i almost cried. my beloved phone. i dont know why this time the thought of buying a new phone didnt REALLY come into mind la.

normally it would come right away. i guess this phone is a lil more special. my bro surprised me by calling me all the way in hong kong. asking me which phone i wanted. at that time i was in family camp. while my parents and wing lian were happying in hong kong. my mum wasnt so keen on getting me a new phone in the beginning cuz i change my phone practically every year.

but this was a surprise. i didnt know she would have bought the phone for me. but also with help from my bro. aiyah.. i help them to get so much stuff last time. should pay me back a lil. haha. all the way from hong kong somemore. not like they cant get it here. but it's something special la. i appreciate it in a way or another =)

.....

again.... im too lazy to think of a title for this post. haha. blogger has been having some problems this few days. it's been really really slowly in loading and all. really irritating. until i have lost all interest in updating my blog. but suddenly.... today i tried to get it to load to the page for me to sign in... (normally it'll take a million years) and guess what??? ahhaa.. i managed to sign in like super fast man. so here i am updating..

let's start with indoor camp.....
well, it was a blast la. it was seriously better than what i expected. i really felt like it'll be horrible. but in the end it was way way better =) never doubt God of what He can do. i dont have the pictures of the indoor camp. but i hope i can get it soon =) hehehe.

ohhh.. and then the evangelism series. where we have to go out and share the gospel. i had grace and evelyn khaw... however u spell her surname... in my group. but cuz evelyn didnt manage to join us for the life testimony and all. so guess she's not that ready la. so asked claire to join. but she had other plans.

at first... it was really hard when we had to plan when and where we're gonna meet because i had to work 3 days in the week and my working time is from 12-9 pm. grace's friend is morning school and grace is afternoon school and we definitely cant meet after my work. so i only have like 2 days? i didnt have the car on tuesday cuz everyone was using it. then it'll be quite mafan for me to find transport up and down pj and subang.

it was seriously not an easy job. it was tough. real tough. ask delz and kevin. they know how bad it affected me. but i really thank God for Him la. seriously i dont know what ill do without Him. with Him i can really feel the peace and sense of security. it's like somehow He's able to calm the storm in me.

so in the end we managed to settle on a time and date. we went to grace's house to meet up with her friend. i wanted to go to mcd's... but but but... i didnt have the car so that's why the change of plans again.

we started with just a simple chat here and there. then slowly slowly we asked for her permission to share with her. well, up to today..... i dont really remember what i shared to her. seriously. it's like everything just came out of my mouth. i felt like it was all so jumbled up and i hope she understood what i said. hahaha. sadly she didnt accept Christ. but oh wells.... i pray that one day... she'll be able to decide. at least she seems to be quite interested to join our yf and even our camp =) so hopefully she's able to join la



besides those 2 things that i've said... i dont think i have anything "major" to talk bout. hahaa. nothing much la. even if there is right... i would have forgotten all bout it. dont remember anything that i wanna pen down =)

bah... this week i have to work for 3 days again and im already dying. imagine if i have to work everyday!!! awww mannn!!! dont want dont want. ahaha.so the other 2 days ill spend most of it with my dear. since he's on holiday =) weeeeeeeee. but dont know what to do la. something that doesnt require much money. so i wont be blogging much. unless there's pictures to be uploaded =) hehehe

isnt it sad....?

when u have to lose that someone special to notice how much u love that person?

when u have to "push" that person to his/her limits to find out that this is as far to the edge one can go and that he/she gives up on the relationship?

when u have to hurt each other till one gets super hurt and decides that this is too much to take?

when u think ur showing the person love but the person dont feel loved?

when u try to be a better person, be a better partner... but ends up being worse?

when u think u can do everything by urself, by ur own strength... until God has to do something to make u realize that u need Him?

why must we wait till God has to strike us with lighting till we realize we need Him?

why must we wait till everything goes haywire to ask Him for His help?

why must we wait till we literally break down and cry to ask Him for strength?

why must we wait till we reach a dead end to turn to Him and realize He is God?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 2 SPECIAL PPL IN MY LIFE!

today is an auspicious for 2 special ppl in my life!
did i use the word correctly? ahaha

anyways...
today is my beloved kai cheh and good friend, teck meng's bday!


let me talk bout my lovely kai cheh...
she's someone which i slowly grew close to... sharing to her bout problems in my life. updating her with the many ups and downs of my life. she has shown me how to be patient, how to love, how to be nice to ppl. hahaha. though sometimes she's "not nice" to ppl. HAHAHAHA. but she has been someone that i know i can lean on, turn to, ask for help or advice. she's one of them that i know will always here to listen to my problems.

i thank God for putting u in my life. for being the sister that i need, that i know i can go to no matter what. whether it's just for laughs, for a time to talk nonsense, for a time to cry, for a time to pray, for a time to have heart-to-heart convos.

thanks so much for showing me that u love and care for me =)

sadly i dont have any new pictures with her. all also i blogged bout di. so u guys will be bored if u guys see the picture again. ahaha. next time la

HAPPY BDAY TECK MENG!

next in line is my dear friend teck meng


firstly.. i should start off by saying sorry that i couldnt make it for ur bday. but not like he's gonna read my blog. it's cuz everytime they plan stuff it's either on prayer meeting nights or when i have made plans. sighs. really really sorry man!

i miss being in school with them. doing all the silly, crazy, nonsensical things. miss all the crazy times. i miss all his funny antics. i wish that we could all just stay in school together gether. now we're all so busy. going our own ways. doing our own things. sighs. it's just so so sad la.

me, kim, and him are known for our extra craziness together. hahaa. whenever we 3 are together. we tend to go slightly crazy. hahaha. i guess slightly crazy is abit of an understatement. hahaha. but i do enjoy time spent with them.

* teck meng & kevan *

* the bday boy *

* he and his funny weird poses *

* miss them all *

*unbelievable*

always said i would know where to find love
always thought id be ready and strong enough
but sometimes i just felt i could give up
but u came and changed my whole world now
im somewhere ive never been before
now i see, what love means

it's so unbelievable
and i dont want to let it go
something so beautiful
flowing down like a waterfall
i feel like uve always been
forever a part of me
and it's so unbelievable to finally be in love
somewhere id thought id never be

in my heart, in my head it's so clear now
hold my hand u've got nothing to fear now
i was lost and u've rescued me somehow
im alive, im in love u complete me
and i've never been here before
now i see what love means



sometimes when i look at kevin
when i spend time with him
when i hold his hands
when i hug him
sometimes it's still unbelievable

when we talk
when we laugh
when we do silly things
when i share moments with him
sometimes it's still unbelievable

when we do things together
when we go places together
when we are mentioned as a couple
sometimes it's still unbelievable





well....
sometimes in life
many things takes us in surprise
many things happens unexpectedly
many things changes suddenly

but as long as we know
that God has a purpose & a reason for it
that He's hands is upon everything
that everything from Him is a blessing
that's enough

p.s : wont be updating this few days. gonna be working and then gonna be busy for the indoor camp *smiles*

memories

yesterday.... my dearest darling came and pick me up then we went for lunch =) how sweet of him. came down all the way to pj. pick me up then go back to subang for lunch and to get stationery's for my lesson and also for indoor camp. cuz if not i wont have any transport to go down to subang for the dinner. then we went back to his house to.......

* cut some fruits *
seriously. if u ask me. i have no idea whatsoever to cut fruits. im serious. im so scared to even hold a knife. i've never cut so many fruits in my life. all i do is tell my dad that i wanna eat fruits. and next thing i know. it's there in front of me. all cut up and skinless. haha. but cuz of my baby... i choose to learn and im willing to learn =)

* he had half a pear in his mouth. that's why he looks like that *
hahaha. i kept accidently cutting it into half. cuz u need to cut off the seed part right. so i gave him half and i ate the other half. but dont worry. after a while i mastered it. which was like when we're about to finish cutting all the fruits. ahhaa

then delz came to pick me up. we went "somewhere" to buy my kai cheh's present. cuz at night we had dinner&dessert for her.

* the bday girl *
outside swensons

* apple crumble *
it wasnt as nice di. bahs. maybe cuz i was too full to enjoy it. but i enjoyed the rum & raisin. always will. hahaa =)

* what's a night out without taking pictures with her? haha *
it wont seem complete

* HAPPY 24TH! * =)

*one of her bday present *

the balloon was my idea. should have taken picture of the other one. it's smaller present with a smaller balloon. we tricked her. we said we couldnt find a bag for her. and that we only managed to find a nice necklace for her. ahhaa

wonder why the balloons? hahaha. dont ask me why also. i dont know why. delz was pointing the balloon pump at me. like wanting to shoot me with air. then i was like ehhh!!! let's put balloons on it! hahaha. i guess this happens when ur teaching in children church. hahaa. the child in me keeps wanting to come out. hahaha!

more pictures to come... as usual.. it's in andrew's camera too! =)

i love creating memories with them. it's never enough when it comes to spending time with them. we could talk bout anything under the sun. who needs drinks, loud music, dark places to enjoy urself. all u need is time and ppl that ur close to....

people like THEM!

help me God!

i have been receiving new challenges now a days....

1. we're doing the evangelism series for youth. and im the group leader. and group leaders are to share the gospel.
   
2. discipleship class. my group have to memorize psalms 119

awww mannn.. this is baddd.. for my discipleship class. im in the E.K.E.A group. the ppl are elaine, kevin, me, and andrew... we have to memorize psalms 119 as a group project. at the beginning when elaine suggested that we memorize that.... i was seriously like not happy with it. but what to do.. i dont have any better ideas for the group project. cuz if i say i dont wanna do it.. i should at least come up with another idea to be considered. but but but but...... i dont have. so have to do it lo.

the first 12 verses was quite okay la. cuz i like psyche myself up and told myself that with God i can do it. so i manage to memorize the first 12 verses. but when it went on to the next 12 verses........ which is till verse 24..... things kinda got harder for me. i dont know whether it's cuz im relying on my own strength or something. but but but...... it's HARD!

and now we should at least memorize until 50 something i think. verses 40-50 something. and im still stuck at 24. i tried to memorize today. but but but.... slowly slowly im starting to give up. it's like when i think of the verses that are needed to be memorized. im like bahhhssss.. whateverrrr!

i guess i gotta remind myself what's the purpose of us memorizing the verses in the first place. gotta remember that i shouldnt give up. i keep telling myself that i should do this. should take up this challenge so that ppl can see that it's do-able. that it's not an impossible thing. but but but... now im starting to think it myself. that maybe it is impossible.

maybe i shouldnt think that im memorizing the verses for other ppl. maybe i should tell myself that it's for my own good and to help me learn to trust God in this. that He'll help, equip, and grant me the ability to memorize it. and then it'll be a plus point like an extra benefit if ppl get's touched and encouraged by it.

aihs but at the moment..... i feel really sad. feel really down. that i cant memorize it. that i dont have the so-called "umph" to memorize. which is really bad. that shows how important God's word is to me, to my life. aihsss.. im so sorry God. dont let me fail U. dont let me let U down. God pls help me! i need U every single day. more than anything! help me God!

wow

i worked with a new girl today. the branch manager. i met her once la. the first time i saw her was during her off day. she just decided to drop by the store for a while. but i didnt get to work with her until today. she was really fun, funny, crazy, silly, and makes u laugh with everything that she says.

there was a convo that made me beam with joy
angie by the way.. that's her name : so esther do u have a boyfriend?
me : yeah
angie : where did u meeet him.... met him in church?
me : *shocked* it didnt register in my head at the mention of church.. yeah, how did u know im a christian?
angie : alahhhhhh... plssss... ur face radiates it la

after that i was like so shocked and so stunned. that is really what i've been praying for. that ppl can see God in me and i dont have to tell them that im a christian and all. somemore she even knows that i've been a christian since young. but the sad thing is that she was a christian before. she said she gave up. she has been a christian since young and she decided to give up. isnt that a sad thing to hear? i was really sad when i heard that.

then i thought..
will that happen to me next time?
will i be like her?
giving up on God?
giving up on what i've believed in all my life?

how can one just suddenly decide to give up on something they have believed in since young?
how can one lose that believe?
that love?
that trust?
that faith?
surely something must have happened that triggered that decision

surely i dont wanna be like that
i cant imagine myself no longer going to church
no longer having SOMEONE to fill the void of my heart
no longer able to lean, trust, hold on to someone
no longer to experience the unwavering faithfulness
no longer having the unconditional love

i thank God
unlike us
He will always remain faithful even when we dont
He'll always be there for us
He'll always be loving us
He'll always be our Father
our Savior
our Lover
who always wants the best for us
who always gives the best to us
He'll always be the one who has loved us first

w i s h e s

sometimes i wish
i dont have to feel certain things
sometimes i wish
i can control my feelings
sometimes i wish
that i dont care

sometimes i wish
i dont think so much
sometimes i wish
i dont care so much
sometimes i wish
im not so sensitive

sometimes i wish
i can be like God
be forever loving
no matter what
have an unconditional love

sometimes i wish
i dont feel the way i do now
in case u didnt know.... it's not a very good feeling
sometimes i wish
i can just run away from everything

i wish......
i wish......
i wish......
i wish......
but will it ever come true?
will it ever come to past?

so not my day

am i asking too much?
am i having too high an expectation...?
...that is too hard to be accomplished?
am i thinking too much?
am i caring too much?
am i being too sensitive?

do u really feel the way u say u do?
do u really care for me?
am i important in ur life?
am i important to u?

do i have a special place in ur life?
what place do i have in ur heart?
do i come after ur friends?

how come my brothers get what they want?
how come they get to go trips?
how come they have more freedom?
how come they have more choices?
how come they have more decisions?
isit really only cuz they are guys?

u might say with choices,
with freedom,
with decisions,
comes a great responsibility...
bahhssss
whatever...
u can say whatever u wanna say
i dont care

when i say i dont care...
do i really dont care?
how do i not care?
when i say whatever...
is everything okay for me?
how can everything be okay for me?

how do i care less?
how do i be less sensitive?
how do i ask less?
how do i expect less?
how do i think less?

why cant i say no to ppl?
why cant i stand my ground?
why cant i be more firm with my decisions?
why cant i be stronger?
why cant i be braver?
why cant i be bolder?

l.o.v.e

love....
what does love means to u?
what comes to ur mind when someone mentions the word love?

sometimes we have the wrong idea of love
like in the media
the romantic movies
indirectly ur putting expectations in ur partner
like one should act this way
one should be that way
one should speak like that

but in reality
how many ppl would be like those in the movies
knows exactly what to do
knows exactly what to say
knows exactly how to act

a relationship takes effort
love is not always lovey dovey
it's not as simple as it seems
the good and bad makes up the whole package
u cant just ask for the good
the bad will come along with it

love changes a person
there's something that i read in justina's bible that i really love
it goes something like




love... u cant bottle it, cant touch it, or even see it
but who among us would argue that love isnt real?
it makes sane ppl do and say crazy things
it prompts snobby, selfish ppl to do noble things
it turns boring ppl into exciting, unpredictable creatures,
what else on earth has that kind of power?
it can hurt like nothing else in the world
and yet, not loving is much more painful
the most talked about, sung-about, and thought-about theme in all the world
and also the most miunderstood




it's so true
when ur single... u wish ur attached
when ur attached... u wish ur not
not to say im wishing that im not attached
im just saying la

i really do love kevin
i love him so much that i wish i can be with him always
i want to go through life hand-in-hand with him
he has really changed me
he made me be completely honest with him
he made me wanna talk out all our problems
i wasnt like that last time.. used to keep all my feelings inside

though it's kinda hard to love his weaknesses
it's kinda hard to love the bad times
it's kinda hard to love the not-so-lovable part of him
but im sure he doesnt love my weaknesses
doesnt love the bad times
doesnt love the not-so-lovable part of me

it's cuz of God that we're able to love
it's cuz of Him that we're able to accept one another
it is by God's unconditional love... that we can love one another

day by day
i believe that God is shaping us into the person we're suppose to be
into the 2 people that fits perfectly together
like a jigsaw
He's slowly shaping and cutting off the sides
i guess that's where all the arguments, misunderstandings, and exasperations comes in

at the end of the day
i thank God
for bringing kevin and i together
for blessing us with this relationship
for showing us love so that we can love each other
for the times that we're able to spend together





dear.....
no matter how we feel bout each other
good or bad
happy or sad
crazy or angry
jolly jolly or exasperated
i will still love u

even if we dont have much time to spend together
even if we have alot of time spent together
even if it was just a phone call
even if it was just an sms
i will still love u



though u cant literally be my knight in shining armor
and im not a princess in a dungeon waiting to be rescued
i will still love u

but heyyy.. u can be my leng chai in blazer *winks*

w o r k

i worked at my mum's office today. they had tooo many documents to be shredded so they need to get a temp person to help shred the stuff away. and that person was ur's truly. it was quite interesting actually. just sitting down... shredding the papers. then i have to change the black plastic bag when it's full. the only time i get up is when i need to get more papers to feed the machine or change the plastic bag or just plainly walk around to move my butt abit.


i prefer bumming around there. cuz heyyy... i get to do an easy job plus sit down and bum around and get paid. since ill be sitting in front of the tv at home anyways. i might as well put my potato-couch-lover-butt into good use and earn some cash $$$ i can hear the sound of the money coming in already. bahs.


though it'll be much nicer if i get to bum around at home la. but at least the ppl there are nice. they are really friendly. and working at cats whiskers has really made me come out of my comfort zone.. out of my shyness and be out-going. not to say now im like super out-going and talkative to everyone that i meet. but at least im better than last time la. i think im not so shy anymore. heyyyyy!!!! im shy okayyyyy!!!! hahah. im serious.


ohh yeahhh.. and when i sit around and rest for a while. of course i rest laaaa. im not a robot. when im resting... it's either ill go and kacau my mother or get a cup of water ( get thirsty super fast ) or i......... take pictures!!! hahaha! what to do... i love taking pictures =)

* please step into my office *
where i sit & my trusty machine *pats*


let me give u a step-by-step guide to what i did =)

* step 1 : feed the machine till it's full *

* step 2 : open the machine's stomach *

* step 3 : take the bag out *

* step 4 : take the plastic bag out from the metal frame *

* step 5 : tie the bag up *

* step 6 : dump it at the corner *
can u imagine??? this is only like half a day's worth of shredded paper. can u imagine how many bags would there be by 5??? everyone that passed by... they were like u did all that???!!! *mouth open * seeee... i can do work pretty well *wink wink* *pats shoulder *

* amount of stuff that i need to shred *
i finished bout 2 and a half of those boxes. it was overflowing with tons and tons of paper

*continuation *

* beginning of work day *
so happy!!! can get money! easy job! woo hoo!

* after lunch *
the plus and minus part of working is....
the plus part = money $$$
the minus part = dont have time to spend with kevin *tear*

by the way... can u guys guess by now who was the photographer of some of my pictures. hahahaha!!! it's hard to believe. it was my mum. she came to kacau me from time to time. seeing how i was doing. then she saw me holding my phone. she was like smsing again???!!! then i was like noooooooo!!! taking picture laaa. she started laughing. so she decided to be a nice mummy and took some pictures for me. to show ppl that i really DO work and not just say im working. ahaha

p.i.c.t.u.r.e.s!

* alex & li ann's wedding*
i know it's abit late. but just got it from francis's webshots. didnt even know he took this picture haha

* amelia *
during the cc's lantern festival. she kept holding on to a candle till it breaks. then change to a new one. so cute. ahha

* we love the lighting of the house*
super nice to take pictures

* cia & eng kok *
abit weird eh? never like take picture with eng kok for fun. ahha

* nelson, cia, & eng kok *

* ugh! i love shermaine's house la! super nice to take pictures! *

* flower power *

* my picture taking sweetie *

* then came another *

* grace, vanessa, geraline, cia *
then came another 2

f.u.n

wowwwwww! it's been a week since i've last posted. i cant believe it man! now a days im not really at home. mostly im home for like dinner or to sleep and bath or something. been having quite a few plans cuz of cia and other ppl also la. ahaha. u can go to her blog and read of all the last minutes changes and all the things that we wanted to do.

hmmm.. dont know what else to update bout. actually.... more like im too lazy to update. i dont know. i have mood swings now a days when it comes to updating my blog.



so here... look at picturessss.. hehe. nicer than reading a long post =)

* church *
before leaving for pd
went there for the last week of the fellowship series

* amelia *
dont she look cute?

* see anything common? *

* it started from a small hole in the ground *

* yian *
miss salty and miss spicy

* claire, geraldine, michie *

* some of the luke girls *

* hand-in-hand for crazy adventures *

* do we look good together? *
hahahaa *sweat*

* raspberry *
we were suppose to exercise. instead we ate ice cream *sweat*

* before *

* my job was cutting *

* the result *
cia & i made it

* adventure *
leaving to aunty see wei's house. which we didnt know exactly where

* toys toys toys *
unleashing the child in me

* pool *
played with ed & cia

* it just wasnt complete without =P *

* cousin sis-in-law *
ahha.. super crap

* li ann *

more pictures to come