sometimes...

sometimes i wish that im not so involved in church
so that i can go out more often with my friends

sometimes i wish that im not the person that i am now
so that i wont hurt the ppl around me

sometimes i wish that i can go drinking or something
so that i can stay in touch with my friends

sometimes i wish i have good time management
so that i am able to do all the things that i wanna do

sometimes i wish that i am able to do everything that i wanna do
so that nothing is HARD for me

sometimes i wish i am not so forgetful
so that i remember to bring back my books to study for my test tmr for instance

sometimes i wish i have enough love to go around
so that the ppl around me will feel loved

sometimes i wish that i am a different person
so that i wont hate the person i am now

sometimes i wish that i have a high self-esteem
so that i wont feel so shitty now

sometimes i wish that there's only joy and no sadness
so that i wont feel the sadness i feel now

sometimes i wish that there's no heartaches
so that i wont feel the heartache i feel now

sometimes i wish that i can forget all the sad things
so that my life would be better

sometimes i wish that i would know the right words and the right things to say
so that i can help the ppl around me

fly away

no mood


in doubt


endless thoughts


feeling unloved

can i just fly away like a butterfly...? going from flower to flower getting sweet stuff. i love sweet stuff. flying around without any care in the world. except maybe getting squashed or caught by silly ppl who attempts to do some weird scientific experiment.

can i not care anymore???

the day has finally arrived

today marks the first year of our relationship
time has definitely flew past so fast
i cant believe it that it was LAST year
at this very same day that he asked me to be his girlfriend
i was shocked yet beaming with delight

it was this very same that day we made a decision
a decision that will change our present and future
decisions that included the both of us
when we started, we have inevitably started a few must-do's
such as....
putting the other person first
making choices or decisions that wouldnt hurt the other person

we cant be selfish anymore
cant just think bout what we ourselves want
but to put the other person's wants first

it doesnt feel that one year has past
i could remember what happened
it feels like it happened only a few days ago
but i cant remember the exact words that we said to each other
only vaguely

how i wished that i had a video camera at that time
then i could record down every single move
every single word said to each other
every single smile
every single moment
because i know....
that one day
my memory will deteriorate





okay... enough of the words. picture time...!

the things he bought for me
(still havent had time to buy for him yet)

do u know what is this...?
really delicious and yummy!
looks abit like rum&raisin

it's non other than snickers ice cream!!!

was surprised that he would buy me this book
and now im stuck with it
cant seem to put it down
hahaha
we only saw it once

we did everything like the first day we went out alone
we went to a&w
we watched a movie
(this time it wasnt x men.. but fantastic four.. another form of heroes.. hehe)
we walked around 1u
it was something really special
though the place might not be somewhere high class
not a "special" way to celebrate
but it was special to us
i felt like i was reliving the day again
except things were a little different

HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY MY
DEAREST DARLING
SWEETHEART HONEY BABY!

now i remember

hahaa... now i remember what i wanted to write last night. u might be asking why am i writing at this time of the day.... dont i have class..? haha. well, actually... as i was getting ready for to leave for class, my friend smsed me and said that my lecturer is on emergency leave. so i only have 2 classes for the day. feel like skipping it. sigh. but i know i shouldnt. but i want....! arghhhhh!!!!!

just wanna say thank u to all the ppl who wished me for my bday. really appreciate it. i had a hard time trying to sleep because of the continuous smses that was coming in. and some of them even stayed up till it was 12 msian time to wish me. i feel so honored. how nice. but oh wells. it was for a good cause. but sadly.... no matter the amount of smses or calls that i got, i still didnt feel like it was my bday. sheesh. what do i have to do to make me feel like it was my bday....?




okay... let's forget bout my bday. it's over and done with already. no point talking bout it anymore. so anyways....



i've been having a hard time deciding on what to do and what not to do. alot of things has been happening between a few ppl in college. conflicts and what-nots.

*bimbo talk* it's like so totally high school stuff *bimbo talk*

things heard and things said
things that ur unsure bout the validity of it
cuz u dont know everyone's good or bad side
u dont know when one is saying the truth
dont worry im not one of those ppl

but one of them involved is my friend. and i really dont want to see her get hurt by some idiotic guy. who has no brains whatsoever. he might be smart in class..... but in basic relationships, he might be a dumb a** sorry for the use of words. but he's no smarter than a starfish.

ps. do u know that a starfish has no brains..? (well at least that's what i've heard)

sigh. i do not know what to do. it's true what kevin said. i should just listen to everything and let it go out the other ear. should not participate in any of these anymore. it's it's it's.... to risky!!!


boring.................. dont know whether i wanna go for class today. really dont feel like it. bahs. but but but... no esther. u shouldnt skip classes. not good u know...? ish... let's see what happen next la...









to be continued..........

happy belated bday to me... heh heh

my bday started off like any normal day
struggling to get out of bed
the countless amount of snoozes
the rush of getting ready for college

i didnt even want ppl from my class to know that it was bday. it was seriously a hush hush thing.

this year i dont have a bundle of presents to show off. the gifts didnt matter anymore. all that matters was time spent with friends, family, and kevin

sad to say that i dont have any pictures to post up for my bday. hopefully tmr night i'll have some

hmmm... actually i have alot of things to post one. but i cant remember what i wanna write about. oh wells. nevermind then. i better get some rest cuz im feeling sick again. sigh. tatas =)

hahaha

today is such a funny day... why would i say that? well, it all start when i remembered how i celebrated my bday last year. sigh. i wish this year would be that same but sadly.... we've all moved on to different places and some to different parts of the world. this year.... i didnt want my bday to be made known to everyone. let's just say that i didnt wanna make a big deal out of it la. at least this year i get to celebrate with THE special person in my life.

i remember last year... when i kept telling delz or lay yan bout my stories with kevin. like what's been happening... all the happy happy joy joy stuff. ahaha.

i remember delz bluffing me that kevin wasnt gonna come for my bday dinner but in the end he came. she bluffed me so much that day la. ahaha

i remember there was one year... my friends had a surprise party for me in my condo because that was the year that they had surprise bday parties for everyone except kim. see... how much she sacrifice for me. i was so shocked and surprised that i was crying slightly. hehe.

i remember when i was younger... i loved ice cream cakes and my grandpa and my parents would get them for me every year.

i remember that i used to have parties during my bday

i remember seeing a picture of me when i was 2 or something... with a pink elephant as a bday cake. guess i started liking pink THAT young eh...? hehe

i remember when i was old enough to get a handphone.... i got a new handphone every year for my bday. until this year la. hehe =)

i remember how i used to tell everyone what i want for my bday. like giving them a list of what i want




another funny thing that happened today was....
when i was sitting with my friends... one of my friend's friend came and said hi to her... then she whispered something to my friends ear. then....

my friend : do u have a brother?
me : yes
my friend : do u stay in damansara?
me : in mutiara damansara
my friend's friend : emmm.. i think i know ur brother... he just graduated from IT right?
me : yeah

as i got up to walk to the car...

my friend's friend : emm.. dont tell ur brother that u met me ar..?
me : *in my head* for what..? like i met u... i dont even know ur name. i dont even know u. how can u consider this as meeting each other? *in my head* but i just said ahuh
my friend's friend : cuz i met him at ......
me : ughhh... yeah *smile* *trying to be polite* when actually i was screaming in my head... for what i want to tell him bout someone that i dont even know and that she knows my brother. what's the big deal....? like i care weiiiii. sheesh. ppl now a days. and she kept repeating "dont tell ur brother ar.. dont tell ur brother" plssss.. dont think so highly of urself lady... it's so high school man

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the person whom i always celebrate my bday with! hehe. she's a day older than i am. we've celebrated our bday since the day we found out that we're just one day apart. and she's back from NZ. we were so sad when she left for NZ cuz then this year will be the first that we're gonna celebrate by ourselves. so when she told me that she's gonna come back before our bdays... i was overjoyed! hehee =)

she's fun to be with
easy going
crazy
nonsensical
dramatic
silly
so-poh (like me & nat)
she's one that i never regret knowing

through the years of getting to know each other, there were loads of arguments, quarrels, misunderstandings. it was just a time that we needed to get to know each other as well as ourselves

i must say that there is never a boring day with her. i dont know why but i seem to have loads of "girl-friends" that i can have crazy, silly, laugh-till-our-stomach-hurts moments.

she's one of those that i can start talking non-stop with even though we havent seen each other for a million years.

no words can describe her until u know her urself. she's just a really really really wonderful friend to have




when i was looking through the pictures, i realized that we've changed so much. from our looks, to our clothes, to our view points, to our goals in life. i pray that u'll grow to be a lady chasing after God's will in ur life.

*tick* *tock*

time is ticking away
to a much awaited day
there's so many things that i wish i could say
that i wish i could tell
i wish i can be transparent with him
but why cant the words come?
why cant i just tell him?
why isit so hard?




on a really really different note, i cant wait for pictures anymore. i need to upload the pictures di. haha. guess my patience lasted quite long. anyways, i manage to take them with my phone. so... yeah =)

during family camp
this picture is however taken by a D40. so yeaps =)

at gotong jaya
eating durian ice cream
super yummy

this is before kevin's family dinner recently
was so scared
but it was good

she....

she hates it when lil things bug her
she hates it when she gets so sensitive over petty things
she hates it when she wants to do one thing... but ends up doing another
she hates it when she doesnt do what she has learned or decided
she hates it when things dont go her way
she hates it when she cares too much
she hates it when she thinks too much

she feels unloved
she feels like they're on different levels
she's scared that her dream will not come true
losing someone that she love so much is her fear
she's scared that one day love is not enough
she wonders when will her brain stop thinking so much
will the thinking ever end....?

maybe that girl really should take a breather
her brains better take a day off before she goes crazy
she should count to 10 before letting her emotions control her
she should think before she speak.... cuz she tend to realize only after hurting the ppl she loves

maybe she should listen to her friend
how she wish that she can think like her friend
how she wish she can be understanding
why cant she take things lightly...?
she makes me feel like killing her sometimes
sometimes i cant take her continuous rants
cant take her indecisiveness
she thinks too much, u know...?

seriously... i dont understand why she must think so much
she just love to complicate things u know....?
she can twist and turn
add salt and pepper
to the simplest things in the world that even a child can understand
she gets sensitive over small, petty things




can i have a day without her...?
isit too much to ask...?
i cant stand another minute of her
i want her out of my life
gone gone gone




i just hate hate haTE HATE this girl so much!!!! *ugh*

woots!

yayyy!!!! keep forgetting to post this

i had an accounts test the week after my hols. i totally forgot bout it. so after lunch with kevin. i studied for bout 15 minutes in the car. then i went for the test. i thought i would fail the test. seriously. i couldnt do my first question. my mind was doing tricks on me. but at least i manage to do the 2nd question. when i balanced it, i was like jumping for joy di. so bout few days later.... i got my results back. and i got an amazing 85% it was okay only la.


i had debate tooo. this week. was suppose to be on monday.... but no one was ready. we told the lecturer that she should wait and see us on the real day itself. we're gonna blow her mind. gonna amaze her. hahaa. so on wed we had our debate.... and she was amazed. i was so scared. so nervous. didnt even know what i was talking bout. but my group won! hehehe. amazing huh...? lol.


tonight im gonna go for dinner with kevin's family and relatives. awww mann. im so scared. im so nervous. i wish i could understand and speak fluent hokkien and mandarin. then if they insult me, at least i'll know. ahhahaa. sighhh.... so scared so scared so scared. sheesh. *faint*


cant wait to watch fantastic four!!!! cuz this month is my bday. so gsc is giving me a voucher for a free movie. so kevin and i are gonna go watch it later! weeeeeee =) hehehe. time is flying so fast. it's gonna be my bday soon. im gonna be 19 *sobs* old old person. and kev and i's 1st anniversary. oooooooooooooooooooooo....!!! hehehe =)

funny....

funny how God answers our prayers sometimes.
i was doing my QT this morning
actually i didnt want to do it... wanted to sleep somemore
but no way am i gonna let Satan be happy

so it was talking bout living a life of purpose
letting God shine through me
letting God use me
am i making God known to everyone around me?

and at the bottom of my notebook
cuz i have one of those christian notebooks where there's verses at the bottom of the page
and it was joshua 1:9

" be strong ang courageous. do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with u wherever u go. "



i felt so good after reading that verse
i was so discouraged yesterday
that's why i wrote that post
i am a person who lets emotions control my decision, mood, everything
i know my God will never leave me nor forsake me

THE JOY OF THE
LORD IS MY STRENGTH! =)

who am i?

am i invisible?

am i unnoticable?

am i a good friend?

am i always there for u?

am i worthy of love?


who am i in ur eyes?

it's a wonder why i choose to seek approval from humans and not God

FAITH IS ALL THAT
YOUR HOLDING ON TO

i havent been wanting to blog ever since i came back from camp and when i finally do want to blog.... this silly blog site would not let me sign in. so finally.... after a million tries and a threat to kill the computer, it finally let me sign in.



just a warning before u thread forward to a post full of words... i dont think this post will be filled with pictures. i've decided to collect all the pictures and just post it all up one shot. for the moment i have the patience. let's see when will my patience let up. hehe =)



many things has been happening. many unwanted things. many sad things. many unbelievable things. many i-wish-i-could-turn-back-time things that has caused me to think twice before i write a post. i tend to not let the things that's been happening to let fear seep in. afraid that if i focus too much on a certain problem, the fear might win the battle and grip me.



camp has been awesome, great, and a wonderful experience. i do not regret going. the speaker was really funny. pictures was taken but not as much as i expected or wanted. but oh wells... genting is so near that we can go take a day trip.



time is certainly flying way way too fast. now we're in june. it seems so unbelievable.





"God's grace didnt mean life skipped over the hard parts. Grace meant that when life threatened to drown us, in those catastrophic moments, God encloses us in the pocket of His embrace. The only way to discover God's sufficient grace is to let the storm buffet, and then cling on to God. "

family camp

well well... today marks the first day of family camp. i should be getting ready soon as my beautiful chariot is coming to pick me. ed and cia is at centerpoint so they'll come get me soon. so i better stop writing. heh heh.

i guess this year's family camp would be a little different for me cuz im not going with my family. as in the-family-that-God-has-put-me-in-to-take-care-of-me-till-im-old-
enough-to-marry. but at least i'll be going with the family of God and also my aunty and uncle and cousins. though i wish that my family will be there during the camp. it'll be so weird. more bout family camp after i come back. right now i should finish off some last minute packing and get ready for the chariot in disguise of a black honda to get me. haha.