:: FINALLY ::

i've finally thought things out with myself. u know how? wanna know how? hehe. lolz. as i was watching the last few episodes of triumph in the skies last night. i've learned loads of stuff from that show. really a meaningful show. teaches me loads bout life and all. one thing that zoe said that really made me think and understand a few things bout life. its something like. even there may be loads of thunderstorms and lightning and hail and raining cats & dogs. in the end. what will come out? the sun right? so at that moment. suddenly this thought like struck me. isnt it something like our daily life problems and difficulties? at that time u may think aw man. this is bad. horrible. i hate it. its the worse time of my life. but in the end. surely without fail, God will help u solve the problem. and u'll have the answers to ur problems. now that's one thing that i've finally understood. a good example eh? hehe. and then second one was from the show triumph in the skies too. last time belle and sam were together but for a short short while. then now, they are still close friends, they still care for each other as if they were still together, and they are really lovey dovey till sometimes their friends think that there's something going on between them. but that made me think. surely ur past love will have a great impact in ur life. and surely that person wont just disappear from ur heart. esp. if that guy or girl is ur first love u know. remember my last post. saying bout my first love and all. im finally over that. i've finally learned to see the bright side in difficulties. but of course sometimes being a normal human. i still dread seeing problems. but at least i get to stand back up and continue to grow in my trust in God right? pooi yian told me before that. when ur in the picture, u wont see anything nice in it, u wont see anything good in it, u'll see everything bad. but once u take a step back. and get out of the frame. and when u see the WHOLE BIG picture, u'll realize that its good and its a beautiful potrait. ugh! pray for me! i still need inspirations and things to say cuz ill be sharing or ermm. what's that word? bah. dunno. ill be erm i guess sharing during the sleep over thingy in march in march! which is like 3 weeks from now. sooo pray that ill be bold enough to stand up there. hehe

* brown eyes *

remember the first day i saw ur face?
remember the first day when u smiled at me?
u stepped to me, and then u said to me
i was the woman u dreamed about
remember the first day when u called my house?
remember the first day when u took me out?
we had butterflies although we tried to hide it
and we both had a beautiful night

the way we held each other's hand
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
i knew right then and there u were the one

i know that he loves me, cuz he told me so
i know that he loves me, cuz his feelings show
when he stares at me, u see he cares for me
u see how he is so deep in love
i know that he cares for me cuz its obvious
i know that he loves me cuz its me he trusts
and he's missing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

remember the first day we kissed?
remember the first day we had an arguement?
we apologized, then we compromised
remember the first day we stopped playing games?
remember the first day u fell in love with me?
it felt so good for u to say those words
cuz i felt the same way too

im so happy that ur in my life
and that u were a part of me
u showed me,
showed me the true meaning of love
and i know he loved me so

sharing my thoughts

now i finally realize why last time lay yan, delz, and valerie stopped me from getting into a relationship. my very first relationship. just now i was just thinking. letting my mind make me go crazy. again. haha. and i was remembering bout last time. when lay yan, delz, and valerie was advising me not to go into a relationship and all. its true. i shouldnt have gone into it. well, there's a good and bad thing bout it. the good thing is that i've learned loads of stuff in a relationship. the joy, the laughter, the sorrow, the pain, the tears will always remain in my memory. the bad thing is that since that was my first relationship and my first love, i found out that i've given alot of my heart to that special someone till im finding it hard to move on. to go on in life. to look at the millions of fishes in the sea. haha. well, i guess ur first love will always remain in ur heart huh. since his the first person who took ur breath away. who swept u off ur feet. and the first person to show u the true meaning of love. i mean besides God showing He's everlasting love lerh. i just dunno larh. ill just let go and give it all up to God. giving Him all my burdens, my heartaches, my thoughts, my anxieties, my memories, my future, my everything. i really cant do alot of stuff by myself. not with my low strength, power, and knowledge. haha. lolz.

no words can describe how i feel now

do u ever wonder why do we have to go through difficulties?! have u ever think so much that u complicate urself?! maybe u might not understand what im talking bout now. but my thoughts are seriously killing me! my friends told me that im thinking too much. even i myself know that i think too much. that my thoughts make me feel worse. sometimes i just wish that i dont think so much. then things would be simple and easy. i just hate myself for thinking so much. just hate! just just just hate! argh! eden said one thing that'll always remain in my mind. she said that if God brings u to a certain problem or difficulty, He will definitely help u out and bring u out of it. but u know.. sometimes we humans tend to try to help ourselves out from it and not asking God. i can imagine God beside me. wondering when am i gonna go to Him and ask Him for help. sometimes i just hate myself. i feel like giving up. even though i know there's this verse that says that God has a purpose for me to be here. but i just cant help to think a negative part. i know that i should be bucking up in my work. but its just that i cant help but think that i cant do it. and think that its too hard for me to do. i just dont understand myself now. argh! God!!!!!!!!!!! i dont understand why must i be in this situation God? there's so many stuff that You're bringing me to that i dont understand. seriously. its like suddenly i find so many problems in my life. i just feel like i cant do anything bout it. like im not capable of doing anything. like im jsut a useless bum. is God trying to teach me something? is God trying to help me humble myself to Him and ask Him for help and not trying to solve things on my own? *tear* i just feel like giving up everything and just be a lazy bum.. can i? can i? ughhh! i just feel that my dreams, hopes, bright future, God, family, friends, everything is sooooo sooooo sooooo far far away from me now. does anyone out there understand what im saying or feeling or thinking??!!! *cries*

had a great day!

although i didnt spend valentines day with my boyfriend or a guy friend, at least i got to spend it with justina. we both felt weird when we went into the cinema and we saw couples coming in. haha. but after that we saw a few girls coming in together. so we were quite relieved. lolz. but we had a great day. had such a NICE lunch in our fav. place. mcd's. though we couldnt take much pictures but we had a great talk. had fun. hehe. loads and loads of fun. and we watched racing stripes. its so touching and funny. aw man. seriously a show worth watching. hehe. although i felt kinda sad cuz i wasnt with a boyfriend. and seeing all the couples there laughing and smiling and having a great time made me a bit depressed. and not being able to buy my fav. shoe made me even more depressed. argh! such sadness man. but i kinda feel that valentines is a kinda special day to spend with ur loved ones. its just i feel its kinda a waste of money. cuz on this very special day, the prices will be very very special too! haha. lolz. i was talking to my mum just now bout valentines day.. asking her how they created valentines day and all. she just said its the plot of the commercial ppl. like wanting to get more money and good business. i kinda feel that valentines day is like a day when u put up a really big front. like on this day, every couple will be like so adorable. so loving. so polite to each other. dining in great great restaurants. dressing alike. when every other day u should be doing all this things. and not just doing this on one day which is said to be SPECIAL. u know. after this special day, everybody will be like so stingy to even go to expensive restaurants unless its on a special occasion kinda thing. im not saying that everyone is like that. but im saying that certain ppl do this kay. i feel that every other day couples should be lovey dovey and all. and not just cuz of valentines or some special occasion u know.

successful pai kam day

today was a great and successful day to pai kam. its this project that my church youth organize since like around 3 years ago. i think. haha. time passes so fast. i cant even remember when we started this thing. anywayz, it was a great day although it was kinda hot and sweaty. but my group managed to finish up our kam's.. although we were tempted to leave the last box so that we can enjoy it too but bahh we have to bless the community first before blessing our stomach's. haha. this year i had donald in my group again. which brought me back memories of last year. haha. me, him, and aunty connie was in the same group. so we were passing out mandarin oranges.. and the semi-d houses that we were passing the mandarin oranges to, had funny and weird designs of the house. cuz they have this longkang hole at the front of the house. so we were at this house where we didnt notice that the longkang had cacated cover on it. which has a big big hole. so donald wasnt looking at the floor. suddenly we heard donald laughing and saying aiyak. then we looked down and saw him with one leg in the hole. and we were laughing and laughing as he was explaining how he felt. he said that suddenly he was wondering why he's so short and one of his leg dropped into something. haha. its was really really really funny. i tell u. then we were like saying we should say this when ppl are asking us to introduce ourself and tell our most embarassing moments. something my church always like do. hahaha.. seriously. it was so funny i tell u. ahha.

so anyway, we have loads of good comments bout the pai kam thingy. some of the gong gong and po po's asked us what we wanted in return. we were like its okay. we're blessing the community with kam's and they were kinda amazed. and one of the uncles(WHICH HAS SUPER NICE AND LONG EYELASHES) came and ask me and donald why did we want to go out and pai kam esp. for free. and he said that what our church was doing was UNIQUE!! isnt that such a good comment?! was soo happy when i heard that. when i see the ppl smilling cuz they have received our blessed kam's. haha. its so nice to see ppl taking and accepting our kam's. well, this doesnt end here. there's still loads of work to do to bring the community to Christ. at least we took the first step to touch their hearts with our "free" kam's. hehe.

prayers answered

finallY!!!! im out of the depression mode. finally!! i've overcome the feelings that i have for someone. but of course in my heart i wish i could be together with him. but oh wellz. this is so not the time to go into a relationship right? yeah yeah? i bet my leaders are agreeing with me and jumping for joy when they read what im writing now. haha. lolz. so anyway, let me continue. hrmmm.. let's start with my first prayer. i prayed that ill have the strength and patience to overcome my feelings for this guy. i really thought that it would never happen. cuz everytime i thought i've let go and continue to become good friends. surely like one day or two, or sometimes after a few hours, ill go back to the same depression mode. like thinking aw man. how i wish i can be with him. aw man. why this why that. and i will feel very very horrible after that. and ill go into a depression mode and then ill go and share it with justina and eden. really thank God for both of them. anywayz, but starting like around this week or last week. i manage to look at him everyday in school without a single feeling of sadness that i cant be together with him or even think bout him 24/7. like what is he doing now. how i wish i can be with him. holding his hand. watching movies together. talking to each other parents. going for family dinners together. but this 2 weeks. i didnt have that kinda feeling. but instead when i see him. im really happy that he's still my friend. but of course i hope to get to know him better and to be closer to him. well, all i can say now is that relationship have to wait till im 21. cuz i told Him that im offering my life to Him and letting Him take control of my life and i made a pack with Him that im going to have a relationship when im 21. so i really thank God that He has answered my prayer. that now finally im not wasting my time thinking bout him but instead now i can use my time wisely.

second prayer is that i could wake up early in the morning today!!! i promised myself to wake up early. to try to start a day off with God and see how it goes.. well, certainly it has been great! and hopefully more great days to come! im really glad that He helped me with my work and understanding my work. truely waking up early in the morning is not easy. but well, hopefully i can sacrifice my time. since time is easier to sacrifice than my life right. like Jesus, He has suffered, tortured and died for everyone. so me sacrificing my time to just spend some time with Him is just a tincy bit of thanking Him of what He has done for me. hehe. i really thank God for helping me going through problems, going through all the hardships in life. hardships in life doesnt stop here eh. i bet there's still loads to come. well, at least i have God to go through with me. hehe.

now i have a prayer request. i have a friend. he's only 13 this year. and he created this cult thingy or whatever u call it. he created this person called Holy Casandra the virgin. and stuff like that. then alot of ppl hates him now cuz he uses horrible insulting words and like hurt ppl. so alot of ppl hates him now. well, i dunno what i can do for him. i really hope that i can do something to help him. really really. i mean like what i learn this morning during my quiet time. i learned that i should stand up for my believes. for what i've been thought to do as a Christian. i dont care what other ppl may think of me. like yerrr.. why esther want to care bout him. its no big deal. but to me it is. cuz he's thinking of changing religion and he says why must we pray bout everything and all. and he's my good friend. of course i want to help him right. like what andrew asked me that day. do u want to see ur friends die-ing in hell while ur in heaven? of course not right. of course u would want ur friends to be with u in heaven right. so hopefully i can help this guy. really really. i really want to help this guy. so pray for him yeah? hehe. lolz.