argh!

hehe.. change the color of my font abit.. just for a change. cuz someone has been complaining that my website too pink. and it looks like medicine. haha. horrible person. anywayz, im kinda frustrated by life now. its like there's so much things to think so much things to do. sometimes i wonder how ppl can tahan doing so much things in one day and planning so much things to do in one day. like just now i was reading a mail from andrew. encouraging me to do quiet time. i know im suppose to be doing quiet time everyday, every morning.. spend sometime with God and all. read the Bible daily and hear from Him. but i cant seem to discipline myself in doing all those. i cant even discipline myself to concentrate on my studies man. seriously. sometimes i feel like life is soooooooo hard! as each day passes i feel like im wasting it all away. somehow i feel that no matter how much ppl advice me to do something or if there's a scripture that backs it up, i dont care. like if ppl advice me right. ill say yeah i know i know. i know im suppose to be doing that. but its REALLY REALLY hard u know. i ask myself why isit so hard. i just cant find the answer. if i myself dont know the answer, how am i gonna answer my leaders man. argh!

sometimes i really hate myself for not doing what im suppose to do. i know in my heart that im suppose to be doing this and that, this and that.. but i just cant seem to be doing that. i really dont want to go back to square one.. where ill always go to camp asking for the same things over and over again! i've set so many things in my heart which i dont push myself to accomplish it. maybe u'll say it'll be better to write it down. so what. if i write it down and remind me everyday. every time i wake up i read it. its gonna go to waste. its not gonna work for someone like me. i just feel that being a Christian is so not easy. its like there's so much things u have to give up, so much things u have to do. truely being a Christian is not an easy job. seriously. esp. when ur classified as an "matured or older Christian" ill feel so pressured to be an example, to show a huge difference, to be the one for younger and new Christians to look up to. sometimes i just feel like giving up! like i really really want someone to give me the answers to my questions. but how can i ask someone to answer my questions when i dunno what are they. its like i know its somewhere deep down in my heart. all bottled up. but i just dunno where.

i really really really feel like giving up! like stop going to church, stop going for prayer meetings, stop praying, stop worshipping, stop going crazy for God, stop doing everything. when i think of all the things i have to do. think of all the giving up i have to do. i know im suppose to do all that. but i dont know why i dont want to do it! i really really really feel like screaming!!!!! i dunno whether this is the devil's work or what. but seriously! i want to cry! i always concentrate on stuff which i dont hav e to concentrate bout. its like i've wasted all my time and energy thinking bout stuff which i should just leave it all to God. sometimes i just wish everyday. i just need to go for conferences. like Planet Shakers conference or something. like everyday wake up early in the morning. go and be energized everyday. ishhhh. when i read the mail that andrew sent me. including the website and verse. its like im being reminded again and again what i should be doing. but i dunno why i dont do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me someone!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dunno what's wrong with me. its like i've always have DMC. and they advice me to do this that and all. i know everything. i know what im suppose to be doing. BUT WHY ARENT I DOING IT????!!!!!! why????!!!!!

just now when i read the verse from James 4:17 - "To him who knows what is good and does not do it, to him it is sin." i was like oh my goodness. and that made me think more and more. hate myself more and more bout why am i not doing all the things that i know. its like i know how to talk the talk but why i dunno how to walk the talk??!!! do i sound like a hypocrite now? i dunno whether i've mention this before. but there was once i was praying and talking to God. then i told Him that im so tired of doing all the things im doing now. like there's no passion anymore. and i told Him why dont take my life away and give it to someone who appreciates it more. since i dont appreciate this life You give me. why dont You take it and give it to someone else who will use this opportunity, this chance to do good. to make a difference. i've reach to this point where i just want to give up everything!

when i told my friend that i've decided to do this this this. then he was like look who's talking. i really felt like oh my goodness.. instead of him like encouraging me to do it and all. he said look who's talking. did i really talk alot bout stuff which i want to do but i didnt do it? did i? have u ever noticed? do i take things for granted? and dont appreciate what i have? do i sound really selfish to God and dont care bout how He feels? have anyone of u who's reading this ever feel the same way as me? do anyone understand me? do u do u? i feel like there's so much things in my mind right now. *tear* luckily there's no one chatting with me. if not i wont be able to write down how i really feel. cuz most of the time, when im blogging. ppl will be chatting with me.