-just a prayer away-

tears that fell like rain
streamed down from my heart
colors turned to gray
emptiness led the way
until i fell apart

You came to save me
to show me that

Chorus :
You're just a prayer away
No matter where i am
i know in my heart
You're never too far
when im losing my way
You're just a prayer away
my strength is in my faith
im never alone
im never afraid
cuz You're just a prayer away

when i close my eyes
Lord, i call Your name
and the dark subsides
nothing can take away of the peace i find

You came to save me
to show me that

Repeat Chorus

whenever i need to find You
i just fall on my knees
in You i find my strength that i need to live
to believe



such a meaningful song for me now. =/

argh!

hehe.. change the color of my font abit.. just for a change. cuz someone has been complaining that my website too pink. and it looks like medicine. haha. horrible person. anywayz, im kinda frustrated by life now. its like there's so much things to think so much things to do. sometimes i wonder how ppl can tahan doing so much things in one day and planning so much things to do in one day. like just now i was reading a mail from andrew. encouraging me to do quiet time. i know im suppose to be doing quiet time everyday, every morning.. spend sometime with God and all. read the Bible daily and hear from Him. but i cant seem to discipline myself in doing all those. i cant even discipline myself to concentrate on my studies man. seriously. sometimes i feel like life is soooooooo hard! as each day passes i feel like im wasting it all away. somehow i feel that no matter how much ppl advice me to do something or if there's a scripture that backs it up, i dont care. like if ppl advice me right. ill say yeah i know i know. i know im suppose to be doing that. but its REALLY REALLY hard u know. i ask myself why isit so hard. i just cant find the answer. if i myself dont know the answer, how am i gonna answer my leaders man. argh!

sometimes i really hate myself for not doing what im suppose to do. i know in my heart that im suppose to be doing this and that, this and that.. but i just cant seem to be doing that. i really dont want to go back to square one.. where ill always go to camp asking for the same things over and over again! i've set so many things in my heart which i dont push myself to accomplish it. maybe u'll say it'll be better to write it down. so what. if i write it down and remind me everyday. every time i wake up i read it. its gonna go to waste. its not gonna work for someone like me. i just feel that being a Christian is so not easy. its like there's so much things u have to give up, so much things u have to do. truely being a Christian is not an easy job. seriously. esp. when ur classified as an "matured or older Christian" ill feel so pressured to be an example, to show a huge difference, to be the one for younger and new Christians to look up to. sometimes i just feel like giving up! like i really really want someone to give me the answers to my questions. but how can i ask someone to answer my questions when i dunno what are they. its like i know its somewhere deep down in my heart. all bottled up. but i just dunno where.

i really really really feel like giving up! like stop going to church, stop going for prayer meetings, stop praying, stop worshipping, stop going crazy for God, stop doing everything. when i think of all the things i have to do. think of all the giving up i have to do. i know im suppose to do all that. but i dont know why i dont want to do it! i really really really feel like screaming!!!!! i dunno whether this is the devil's work or what. but seriously! i want to cry! i always concentrate on stuff which i dont hav e to concentrate bout. its like i've wasted all my time and energy thinking bout stuff which i should just leave it all to God. sometimes i just wish everyday. i just need to go for conferences. like Planet Shakers conference or something. like everyday wake up early in the morning. go and be energized everyday. ishhhh. when i read the mail that andrew sent me. including the website and verse. its like im being reminded again and again what i should be doing. but i dunno why i dont do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me someone!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dunno what's wrong with me. its like i've always have DMC. and they advice me to do this that and all. i know everything. i know what im suppose to be doing. BUT WHY ARENT I DOING IT????!!!!!! why????!!!!!

just now when i read the verse from James 4:17 - "To him who knows what is good and does not do it, to him it is sin." i was like oh my goodness. and that made me think more and more. hate myself more and more bout why am i not doing all the things that i know. its like i know how to talk the talk but why i dunno how to walk the talk??!!! do i sound like a hypocrite now? i dunno whether i've mention this before. but there was once i was praying and talking to God. then i told Him that im so tired of doing all the things im doing now. like there's no passion anymore. and i told Him why dont take my life away and give it to someone who appreciates it more. since i dont appreciate this life You give me. why dont You take it and give it to someone else who will use this opportunity, this chance to do good. to make a difference. i've reach to this point where i just want to give up everything!

when i told my friend that i've decided to do this this this. then he was like look who's talking. i really felt like oh my goodness.. instead of him like encouraging me to do it and all. he said look who's talking. did i really talk alot bout stuff which i want to do but i didnt do it? did i? have u ever noticed? do i take things for granted? and dont appreciate what i have? do i sound really selfish to God and dont care bout how He feels? have anyone of u who's reading this ever feel the same way as me? do anyone understand me? do u do u? i feel like there's so much things in my mind right now. *tear* luckily there's no one chatting with me. if not i wont be able to write down how i really feel. cuz most of the time, when im blogging. ppl will be chatting with me.

i so hate dreams now!

sometimes i really wonder why must we dream. isit because we think too much bout a certain thing or situation? that's why we dream what we are thinking or worrying so much? someone pls tell me how do u take away dreams? like can we off a certain part of us to stop dreaming? maybe it sounds funny cuz why would someone think of offing our dreams. seriously! cuz dreams has been affecting me lately.. its not cuz im having scary dreams. its cuz i've been thinking bout something too much lately. so when i dream it happens. and ill wake up really miserable! this morning when i wake up. i didnt have the smile on my face like i used to have anymore. i really felt like dieing. okay okay. maybe im going too extreme. i dont really want to talk bout what happened in my dreams. its a long story anyway bout why i would dream or even think bout such a thing. but something that happened in my dreams really made me like stay far far away from 2 ppl. and 1 of them really mean alot to me. its u know.. my special someone. who'll always stay in my heart. and the other one is my good chee mui. i've been reminded bout something in my Bible subject. i've been saying its my have-to-do subject in my school. since its a christian school. its that we christians will undergo trials of our faith. we will not always understand the reason we are in difficult times. God, however, has a purpose in everything He allows to come our way. and the writer James wanted to encourage us by sharing with us some benefits of such trials. in James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever u face trials of many kinds, because u know that the testing of ur faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that u may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The christian will never know that God's Word in his soul is ever effective until it is applied to the test of trials. When God's Word is applied to trials, victory will be seen. Trials also deepen the christian's prayer life and provide opportunity for production and future rewards. sometimes i really feel that its SO hard to life in this world. that sometimes i even feel like dieing. seriously. i told God that im really tired of this things that im going through and that i dont want to live. i told Him that im sorry that i dont appreciate Him for creating me. i told Him why dont just take my life and give it to someone else who'll appreciate Him. but now im slowly slowly put to work all the things that i've been learning. considering all the things i've learn in my Bible. i've finally realized its not a dread learning all this things. so i guess its all in God's timing. and His timing and our timing is so different. we're like wanting everything to be fast! settle fast! do this fast! like dash. so fast in running here and there. but His timing is like teaching us to be patient, stronger, and growing more in faith. kinda like how a gold-shaper or whatever they are called. they have to put the HARD HARD HARD gold into a really hot furnace and slowly burn it till it melts. THEN they can shape it into a nice and wonderful shape. there will always be this sentence which will stay in my heart forever. in the planet shakers conference, sam evans said that the Holy Spirit is like water. who will water the soil and make it soft and easy for the planter to grow nice and big wonderful trees. and we are like the soil. we need the Holy Spirit to water us. to grow big and strong trees for God. and we were singing this song. one of the verse says that "God please dont pass me by! i dont want to leave without touching u!" truly i've learned alot in the planet shakers conference. alot of the sermons really touch my heart and kinda prepared me for what im gonna face the next few year or probably the rest of my life cuz trials and tribulations will not just end when u reach adulthood. i think it'll worsen and all. but guess how u look at it. u can choose to look at it as what i said bout what i've been reminded or like dread living and asking God why. haha. ahhhh! i feel so relieved saying all this. like a weight has been lifted of my shoulder. and im wondering what i should do next time. i wanted to be a photographer and all. but suddenly my mum was like since u like kids so much. why dont u work in a kindergarden and all. so im really wondering and asking God what He wants me to do. so continue praying for me. to see what i should do next time. *winkz* gotta get change and help my parents clean up the house so that they can move in. so gonna be busy this few days. not sure when i can blog again. hehe. take care and God bless

i forgot to mention something *blueks*

i forgot to mention that i had to BRUSH AND SCRUB the toilet bowl in school today!!! its like my whole 16 or 17 years of my life, i've never needed or asked to scrub the toilet bowl before!!!! and today. oh my goodness.. when i was scrubing the toilet i was like crying to my friend. haha. and she watched and laughed. my goodness. haha. cuz they just finish the renovations and the whole toilet was so dirty. we had to take an hour to wash 2 toilets kayy. aw man. want to die di. its like when i run water on the wall. u can see the water that flows down from the wall is BROWNNNNn!!!!!!! i almost fainted and puked.. haha. seriously.. its no joke. but i bet andrew or dunno who else is reading this is gonna be happy. haha. lolz.

long time since i've written eh

i dunno where to start writing. its like there's been loads of stuff that has been happening to me. its like all up in my brains but i just cant think where to start. haha. oh well. i just write whatever comes first. i feel the school im attending sucks. but i guess God has put me there for a purpose. sometimes its really stressful to study esp. my english is like SO hard. im trying to tell myself to study properly so that i can graduate by this year. but loads of stuff has happened and things doesnt seem to go the way i planned. i guess this goes back to putting what i've learned and what i've been telling ppl into practice. this is a time when i really have to rely on God. rely on Him and not my own understanding. sometimes i really wonder what has God planned for me. and sometimes i dont even understand what He's doing in my life. but today i was doing my Bible, and it answered my questions. it says that sometimes we dont understand what God is doing in our lives but all we have to do is lean on Him and put our trust on Him. i know i've said that my school sucks. but one things im thankful for is that i have a priviledge to study Bible as one of my subjects and i get to start the day off praying, having devotion, woshipping in school which i wont get it in normal gov. school's. today i was thinking how i wish i went to gov. school. then i wont have to suffer now. but once i came home and sit down to think bout my day. i really thank God for this priviledge i have. sometimes we all take things that we have for granted. arh. my heart aches so badly. it feels like its broken into a million gazilion pieces that nobody but God can mend it back. no matter what ppl tell me. its like going in one ear and going out the other. aw man. hearing what ppl is going through now in their relationships or watch nice romantic movies really kills me. its like aw man. i wish im going through something like that. hehe. okay okay. i shall stop this. i think its best for me not to have a relationship now. like what i told my teacher today. if i have a relationship now my studies will go down the drain. i think that's why God doesnt want me to have a relationship now. hehe. lolz.

*tears*

sometimes i wish things will be like last time. when i read back my chat logs with someone. i realize how much we can talk bout. how much we can crap and laugh. but now. things are so different. and we seldom have stuff to talk bout. why isit when u like someone. u'll be so shy. and u try to find words to say but u just cant. why did i ever like him? why must i choose to like him and make things so different now???? sighh. but i guess sometimes its hard to control ur feelings huh? esp. now. when i decide to not like him. something will happen and my heart will soften again. sometimes i just wish i can have no feelings. arghhh! its just so hard to get back up again! help me God! i really really need help! i cant stand this feeling anymore. cuz somehow. deep down inside. i feel that both of us has a chance to be together. or maybe i REALLY REALLY long for and want a chance for us 2 to be together. sometimes when i see couples together so happy and sitting in the car together after shopping at the mall. walking around shopping for clothes or furniture together. i really am jealous. and i really wish that i can do that with him. but i know my wish wont come true. cuz he likes someone else. i really feel like crying, breaking down to a million pieces. my heart is like smashed till u can even patch it back. words cant describe my feeling now. u just have to experience the same thing as im experiencing now. then u'll know. i think i better stop talking bout this thing. if not i really am gonna die. jump down from my condo. then u guys can see me in heaven. okay okay. i shall stop di. so ppl who is reading this. pls dont add any comment.