*shine on*

this is how i feel. he has moved on further than me. and im still right here. hurting. feeling the pain. reminiscing bout the past. thinking too much. there's so much cuts and bruises. i dont know how what to do but lean on God. and pray for his happiness. pray for showers of blessing on him. even if he's not meant for me, i pray that he'll find the girl of his dreams. a person who'll be by his side and love him as much as i love him.




i've given every moment i had
still i can never seem to keep up with u
ur done with one mile, and on to another one thousand
still i could never seem to keep up with u

i know u'll be better off without me when im gone
u know u can make it
u know u can

shine on
u were made to shine on
and u know i love u
even if we can or cant be friends ill be with u till the very end
shine on
u were made to

its keeping me awake every night
but i can never seem to give up on u

the joy of the Lord is my strength

the joy that i have in my heart right now is uncontainable. i've never felt this way before. i mean like im not this passionate for God. this past few days...God kept reminding me bout my relationship with HIm. and i admit that i've been remaining in square one for quite some time. like what i told delicia...i feel like im taking 3 steps forward but 4 steps back. but after today...i've finally decided that i want to be a difference for God...no matter how stupid i may look or be. as long as im doing it for God...no problem! cuz sometimes..whenever i want to do something. there's this voice in me that discourages me telling me that i cant do any of those and ill make a fool out of myself. but after having a chat with andrew just now while he was sending me back after practice. i think im ready to take a step forward and begin to do something beyond my imagination. with God's strength and His help, i can do anything! as long as its for Him la. hehe. im tired of staying in my ugly lil square one. tired of being the person who's not doing much in church. its not helping me in growing in God anyway. i realized that if i keep doing the same things over and over again...ill never ever grow. cuz if i want to grow, i need to do things to make myself grow. i cant just sit down and tell myself. okay! i want to grow now! and ill straight away grow. i need to do things to make myself grow. that's why i've come to my conclusion that i need to be doing things in order to grow and not just sit on my bumbum and leave all the work to God alone. its a 2-way thing. like for example.. u cant just pray to pass ur exams. u need to do ur part and study right. so in the same way...u need to do ur part in order to grow! like this song that we sing in the cradle roll class. "read ur Bible, pray everyday and u'll grow, grow, grow" sometimes ull feel lazy and all to read and pray everyday. but like what eng kok said today..that if we do anything in the spirit..we're not using our own strength.

new design!

im so happy with this new design!!! love it soo soo much!!!! it suits me right?? my PINK PINK WORLD!!! hahaha

[the rain may be pouring...but the sun will soon shine!]

i cant say that i've moved on. i cant stay that im still at the same point. i cant say much bout me right now. i dont know what's going on in my mind now a days. im still trying to understand why life's like that....but i guess we have to just trust God huh? isnt it funny when we know all the answers to our questions......and we're still looking around and waiting..waiting for the answer to come and smack us in the face. but actually the answer is right in our minds..in our hearts.. u might wonder why i say the answer comes and smack us in the face. well, like the story of the guy stuck on the roof cuz it is flooded and he's asking God for help. then came the boat and helicopter coming to help him but he insisted on waiting for God to help him...when it is obvious that God is already helping him. i admit that i wait around for this HUGE, BIG BANG from God telling me what to do and all. telling me the answer in some miraculous way. many a times it is easier to look at the negative side and be depressed and fret bout everything than being strong and holding on to God's promises. sometimes i wonder why i can advise other ppl to do things for God and all. but i cant tell the same thing to me. isnt it easier to look at other ppl's splinter in the eye but fail to see the plank in our own eyes. its easier to see the flaws in other ppl than in ourselves. in our minds we make ppl look inferior to make ourselves feel good. and well..i cant say that i have a conclusion to my pointless gabble but this is what is going on in my mind. just wanted to write out my thoughts and feelings. this is only like 1/3 of what's in my mind.

helppppp!!! hahaha

help meee! im back into the hate-studying mode. i was okay for a while and i managed to do 12 books in a month. i was kinda amazed when i saw my teacher's chart(this chart where they record every month to see who is slacking). last term i only did like 10 books. but the recent termmmm.....i did 30!!!!! can u believe it???!!! hehe. thank God! i was visiting my teacher yesterday, and she said that im like confirmed to attend the graduation ceremony thingy. i dont really want to attend since its just a ceremony..as long as i get my transcript then ill destroy the school then ill leave. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!! that was our plan last time. but nowww..things have changed so much. i guess God wanted to separate us so that we wont continue our very very "evil" plan. lol. and now. i dont even want to study at all man. well, at least i study in school. but once i get home its like....*throws bag away* so ill never get to see it ever again! *evil grin* but too bad. i cant do that. then ill be wasting my parents money. sighhhh. so i really really need to get back in the studying mode so that i can finish my books by the end of this year. cuz i only have like 20+ books. but as my lvl go higher...i heard it gets tougher...soooooo. not a good thing to graduate after all. hahha. just joking. i was planning to take next few months off to work in my school cuz they pay quite good for sitting and bumming around. i hope my mum changes her mind. cuz im not very sure whether i want to do mass comm then go deeper into a particular course. im not even sure whether i want to do video editting or become a photographer. i dont even know. and when she keeps forcing me to go and see the counselor and sign up(since the intake ends this month), the more i dont want to do mass comm. last time i was so sure im gonna do mass comm...but now...i dont want. i want to take a few months off and work and earn money while i start thinking bout my future. i dont want to just jump into something and realize suddenly that i dont want to take that course at all. then ill be wasting my time and my parents money. which is not a good thing. so pray that either my mum will let me take a few months off or pray that i could find out what i wanna do next time. i know i shouldnt fret bout this...but my mum is pushing me very badly di. maybe to u guys u may feel like aiyahhh. she's just suggesting for u. but to me...(cuz she never has done this before) she's like suffocating meeeeee. and the more she suffocates me with what im suppose to do the more i dont want to do it.. ughhhh! sigh. i dont know la. why cant i just take a few months off and earn some money. somemore ill be able to teach in a place where im quite familiar with. arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! *pulls hair* so so geram-ted. haha. if there is such a word =) *angelic grin*

most memorable day

i know if justina is reading this..she's gonna kill me. i was just sitting around and chatting with her. and when i look at the clock, i realize today is sept the 6th. and back when i was 14 until now..this date is very very important to me. i treasure this date so much. i sit around and reminiscence bout the very date where someone asked me a very "important" question(well, not as important as proposing) but it was like a turning point in my life. i was so happy that day. i could still remember everything that happened that day...from nervousness to our shyness to commitment to our laughter to holding each other gaze's(instead of watching the movie) to having each other in one's life. i could even remember when we admitted to one another that we love each other. it was like a normal night..chatting nonchalantly and all of a sudden we got into this topic of who likes who and all...and before i knew it. we were confessing to each other that we liked each other...and from then on. it was like walking on cloud 9. during the day time it felt like a dream and during night. it felt like "wow! i was living my dream!" ahaha. that kinda thing. it has been 3-4 years now(dont really know how to count years. like whether u count that year itself. but oh well), and i cant believe that time passed this fast. now we're quite good friends. and im quite glad since i hear many ppl dont get along well after u know....emm...not seeing each other. and i guess those who have read my blogs would know that im still having hope in this relationship in the future. im really praying that God would make our paths cross again u know. u may wonder why i dont want someone better that God has in store for me. well, i dont know tooo. i dont have an answer for u. i guess i can answer that in the future...when i've learnt why i had to go through this and feeling this kind of thing. i guess its really true what they say...that the first love is the deepest. and both of us had invested sooo much in that relationship that we once had. he was the guy who i really thought we would really end up forever. i know it sounds kind of childish. but........sighhh. i dont know la. arghhhh. i better stop thinking bout this before i end up in a depressed mode again. and i definitely do not want that. i've got to learn self control. cuz i dont want to lose something so precious in my life.