dont know what to do anymore

this is my new blog look.. i hope u guys like it.. i kinda like it.. although i wish it was pink. lolz. hahaha. but i like the 2 rabbits at the end of it. super super cute eh. hehe

there are days where im so happy at where i am. at how far i have gone through. but whenever i get depressed, i seem to forget everything. nothing else mattered besides the problem and sadness that im having. have u ever go through such things? its like everyday...i ask myself what have i done wrong. am i not good enough? why did he moved on and forget bout the promise we made. but i think that sometimes we need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason..for the good of those that loves God. maybe God has something way way better in store for us. that's what my friends always say. that He has a better one for me than this "blind" guy that im not letting go. haha. dont know.

friends.. u have hi-bye friends-to-friends that u go to for help-to-good friends whom u talk to often-to-close friends whom u share everything with-to-bestfriends.. have u ever had this bunch of close friends that u guys do pretty much everything together and that u've spent like almost more than half of ur teenage days together. seeing each other in school each day or the times where u get to go out. doing silly things together. hanging out or lepaking together. plan ur future together. even wanting to go to the same country to study so that we all can stay together and continue our lives together. seeing each other grow spiritually and of course more matured. plan outings together, plan dinner and parties together. but all of a sudden. everything changes. u no longer keep in contact with them and the only time u talk to them is like NEVER. its like all of a sudden ur close friends have become hi-bye friends. u dont go and catch a movie with them or even have lunch or dinner together. no longer call each other or even chat online. no longer do things together. its like being strangers already. i guess guy-guy friends can keep in touch way way better since they play football or futsal together. but what about girl-girl friends or girl-guy friends. what bout them? u have more friends and move on to different schools, different lifes. dont u think ur friendship with them are in the past di. like everything has changed. i just feel really sad la. why dont some things remain the same? why must things change? isit for the better? isit for our own good that things changed? if this happens when i went to a different school. what will happen when all of us have graduated and gone of to college or worse. some of us may even stay back a little longer. what will happen then? will we still keep in touch since now we dont keep in touch. then what's the point of having friends? why dont we just call them strangers whom we have crossed paths with during a point of our lifes and they have made a few footprints in our life. wouldnt that be better? i have really thought alot after the friendship day that my youth had. i thought alot bout ppl who are called my friends and all. and whether im treating them the way that they should be treated. sometimes words and actions can really hurt us. unknowingly or purposely, i dont know. but it really can hurt. and i just want to say im sorry to those i've hurt purposely or unknowingly. maybe that's why u guys dont treat me as friends anymore. i guess i better stop here. need to study for a few test that im having tmr

I PASSED!!!

i guess u guys would know what im talking bout di huh. lolz. and yes yes. ill be a driver to those who have been my "drivers" lolz. im soooooo happy!!!! seriously!!!!! i told God that i didnt want to retake it anymore.. i just want today the last day for me to go all the way to cheras. and i passed! all praise to Him.. i was so nervous.. even when i was driving so i ended up speaking in tongues. but of course not like loudly la.. but inside of me. and whenever i speak in tongues..i feel very very calm like peace in my heart. but one thing i want to complain is that. those ppl are idiots! they should see the sticker on my car that im having exam right.. they purposely stick close to my butt and keep wanting to overtake me. i mean harloooooooo!!! ur not suppose to go and disturb those ppl whose having the test u know.. such idiots. and i forgot to mention this the last time but when i went for my first test last monday, i saw this quite leng chai la.(no, lay yan.. its not the same guy that i told u.. u know the one carrying the Bible? haha) then guess what!!! today i saw him again and he was having the same instructor as me.. but i dont know why last monday he didnt come with my instructor.. weird ehh.. anyway, i saw him today and i manage to talk to him.. and we got the same tester somemore. so cool right. lolz. he's so cute la. *drools* ahahha. super super cute.. and yeah.. i saw another leng chai also.. cant really say when and where i saw it cuz i think that guys friend still reads my blog. so i shall not say anything. just in case my friend tells that guy.. that ill be so malu-fied man. ahah.

i went for my friend's bday party last night. quite boring party. but kinda different cuz this party was full of punjabi's.. i dont know how to spell la and im not racist okay. hope u understand what im saying.. haha. so anyway, it was different la cuz normally the parties that i go to are like all chinese and my close friends. but this party was different. it was like all my friends relatives and some of my school friends only.. and of course i stuck to my teacher and melvyn cuz they were like my closest friends there. and my friend's boyfriend's nephew was sooooooooooooo cute. he was like wearing a stripped button-down shirt, jeans and belt, and sport shoes. now now. he's not a teenager.. but he's a small kiddddd!!! super cute u knowwww!! haha.. and u know la.. punjabi's have like thick eyebrows and LONG LONG eyelashes.. haha. i fell in love with that kid man. super cute.. haha. and not love and as in love love la.. but u know.. loving a small kid.. haha.. so anyway, i bent down and asked him whether i could take picture with him. instead of saying yes.. he pulled my hand and leaded me all the way to his parents car. seriously.. it was a long long long long walk.. we stopped for a while for him to show me my friend's car.. which i came with. then he looked up to the sky and said mooon.. but there were only stars.. super cute u know.. cuz he cant really pronounce words properly yet.. super super cute.. and we continue walking until i realized how far we've walked.. and i tried to bring him back to the mum just in case she thinks im trying to kidnap him.. haha. so i tried to pull him but instead he manage to pull me. now, he's not a very fat boy u know. but somehow he managed to pull me. so the whole night long, he kept running back to me and worse..with his mum's car keys. ahaha. even the mum couldnt take him away. then he's mum was like luckily he's younger than u.. if not he'll marry u adi.. i was like emmmmmmmmmmmmm.. *smiling weirdly* ahhahaha.. then she was like saying that he loves me alot and all.. i was like ooooooookkkaayyyy.. hahaa.. but seriously cute boyyy! though he was strong enough to pull me.. too bad i couldnt take a picture of him. or else ill straight away post his picture here man. haha

*never gone*

i really miss u
there's something that i gotta say

the things we did, the things we said
keep coming back to me and make me sad again
u showed me how to face the truth
everything that's good to me i owe to u

though the distance that's between us
now may seem to be too far
it will never separates us
deep inside i know u are

never gone, never far
in my heart is where u are
always close, everyday
every step along the way
even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
i know u will be forever in my life
never gone

no no no
i walk alone these empty streets
there is not a second ur not here with me
the love u gave, the grace u've shown
will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

somehow u found a way
to see the best i have in me
as long as time goes on
i swear to u that u will be

never gone from me
if there's one thing i believe
i will see u somewhere down the road again

*incomplete*

empty spaces fill me up with holes
distant faces with no place left to go
without u within me i cant find no rest
where im going is anybody's guess

i've tried to go on like i never knew u
im awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without u all im going to be is imcomplete

voices tell me i should carry on
but im swimming in an ocean all alone
baby, my baby
its written on ur face
u still wonder if we've made a big mistake
i dont mean to drag it on, but i cant seem to let u go

pray again! hehe

pls pray again.. im retaking my driving test next monday. sighhhh.. thank God i passed my first part la.. that is the slope, parking, and 3-point-turn. if i fail that. i think ill be more nervous.. but i havent been getting any "GOOD" sleep. cuz i've been quite nervous since last week until now.. sighhh.. so pls pray for me again.. when i went there.. i saw the newest car and i told God that i want that car and guess what? i really got that car.. but hehehe.. i forgot to pray for the examiner.. so the guy that i got, he was kinda cranky when it was my batches turn. soooooo.. he looked really angry that made me really nervous. but later he was quite nice to me and joke with me when i failed. i guess getting more money makes him happier.. sighhhh.. but it was good.. i manage to find new friends who stuck with me throughout my whole exam.. encouraging me and wishing me all the best for my exams. we talked and laughed and all like we were friends since forever. thank God cuz im not that kinda person who wants to be alone. ill cry if im alone cuz i feel soo soo lost. hehe.

HELP ME! PRAY FOR ME!

help me!!! im very very scared.. it still hasnt dawn on me that my driving test is tmr. its like all my feelings are mixed together.. from scared to terrified to calm to anything la. its like im scared but calm at the same time. i dont know laaa... pls pls pls pls prayyyy!!!!!

missing the days

i dont know why. everytime i say to myself that im finally over it, everything comes back to me. every morning i wake up, ill be reminded by some part of my past with him. its like a memory that keeps flashing back and forth back and forth in my head. which doesnt seem to be going away. has anybody felt that way before? its so hard to let go. sometimes i hate myself for all this things that i put myself into. i keep asking myself why do i do this to myself? why arent i making enough effort? like i know i should be losing weight. but why cant i stop myself from eating and start exercising? why? why? why? i just hate myself. hate hate hate. ughhhh! no matter how much i try, it'll never end up the way i want it to be. u might say that im expecting too much or something.. whatever.. i dont know.. can i just leave this earth?

okay okay.. i think i shall stop here now and remind myself that God has set me free.. and i should love myself.. i should be placing all of this to God.. i should rejoice in every circumstances.. i should be thanking God for every breath that im breathing now. i should go to sleep to end all my depression.. yeahhh.. good idea.. then i dont have to think so much. dont have to look at the 4 corners of my wall and think bout the past, think bout everything that's happening and all.. i think i should just go and sleep now =)

*i get on my knees*

there are days
when i feel
the best of me
is ready to begin
then there are days
when i feel im letting go and soaring on the wind
cuz i've learned in laughter, awe and pain
how to survive

i get on my knees
there i am before the love that changes me
see i dont know how
but this power
when im on my knees

i can be
in a crowd
all by myself
in almost anywhere
when i feel there's a need
to talk with God and He's Emmanuel
when i close my eyes
no darkness stand
there's only light

*always & forever*

there's nothing better
than living for u
saving my world with You,
there's nothing better
than praising Your name
and lifting my praise
wanna spend forever
just standing in Your presence

i want to show You
what You mean to me God
i give You my whole life
i've got to tell You
that i am Yours forever
Lord i give You my whole life

Jesus, i will live for You
in everything i do
im holding on to You
always and forever
and if my world is falling down
in You i will be found
im staying in Your arms today
always and forever

afte listening to this song, it really made me feel better

feelings

do u care bout other ppl alot but they dont care bout u at all?
do u treat other ppl like ur own family but they treat u like shit?
do u put them first(besides God) but they put u last in their list?
do u wake up and feel like there's no meaning to it?
do u do things and its all so mundane?
do u feel like there's any difference?
do u show concern and care but they return it with something harsh?
do u ever feel so tired with life? with the way ppl treat u?
do u feel like u dont know anyone anymore?
do u feel like everything's a mess? and u dont know what to do anymore?
do u know the feeling of putting a happy face but deep inside ur hurting so badly?
do u know the feeling of being treated like shit by ppl who are called ur friends or worse.."sisters"?
do u know the feeling of not having anyone to turn to?

have u ever felt like ur heart hurts and tears run down ur cheek without even knowing why?
have u ever loved someone but that person doesnt return ur love? but instead returned it with harshness?
have u ever looked around and ask urself why ur here? at ur house.. in ur family.. doing the stuffs that u usually do
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of doing this?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of caring bout that person when that person doesnt care bout u?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of loving.. when that person doesnt show love at all?"
have u ever asked urself.. "what's the point of being a friend.. when that person isnt a friend to u"

i think i shall stop here.. before u guys give me one-on-one counseling.. haha.. well, u wanna know what's up with me.. so here u go.. what i have been feeling this few weeks.. i dont know why i have drastic changes of emotions this few weeks. i guess its part of growing up huh? my friend was like saying that its probably puberty. i was thinking the exact same thing as my friend before he said that. lolz.

long time since i've blogged

hmmmm.. i dont know where to start.. i guess i should start by saying.. PRAY FOR ME!!!! i need help in my studies.. pls remind me again why i need to study? besides the fact that its supposedly "good for me and my bright bright future" i hate the fact that i need to study. i hate studying. i hate english & science especially. i hate the participles, adverbs, infinitives, verb phrases... everything!!!! ughhh!! why must it be so complicated? tell me.. why why why why?! i dont know why. but i cant seem to study anymore this few weeks. its like my mind drifts somewhere while reading it and just to let u know.... self study sucks! anyway, im having trouble even with the easiest subjects on earth. can u believe it? can u believe it???!!! i mean.. how dumb can i get? oh pls dont answer that. im begging u pls. haha. anyway, i think i like reading books. or should i say. started to like reading books. hehe. so pls pls pls pray for me... i have a few things that i need to be prayed for...

1) my trial driving test - 19 july
2) my real driving test - 25 july
3) my studies - every single day of my life. hahaha. just joking. dont want to study every single day of my life

i guess that's it. haha. nothing horrible or terrible is happening in my life right now. everything is the usuals. the mundane things. and the fact that most of my close friends have left overseas and that leaves me pretty much feeling lonely. since i dont go out much with my church friends. or even my school friends. and i have gotten wing lian's "new" desktop. cuz actually it was suppose to be my mum's but he put it in his room and soon claimed it was all his but now it has to be all mine. since my old computer is giving me problems. so yeah, i shall stop my update of my life here cuz i need to go and continue my studying before i get chopped up in school tmr. lolz. *cheers*

my first day of driving class

hahahahahahaha.. it was super fun and of course funny. the first time when i was driving i was kinda scared. and imagine that was only in the place where u go a few rounds and learn how to park and do the slope thingy. but after 2 rounds of that today. he said okay.. wear ur sealbelt so that we can go on the road.. i was like WHAT??????????????? hahah.. but of course i didnt say that out loud la.. and i realise ppl are blind this few days.. they cant see my BIG BIG L SIGN posted all around the car. they dont seem to notice it. and of course ill drive slowly since its like my first time.. but do they care??? nooooooooooooooooo... they dont give a **** they stick so close to my butt that i purposely drive even slower to make them move lanes. so irritating man. i mean SEE MY L FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!! ughhhh!!!! luckily i didnt have time to memorize their number plate. if not when i see them. im so gonna kena them next time.. haha. but im not sure how am i gonna kena them next time. lolz. hahahahahaha.. but oh well. besides that part. it was a super fun time! i never knew driving was this fun.. but super tiring la cuz i was so scared that my whole body was so tense up and like stuck to one position for like 2 hours. and my leg was super pain when i came home. aw man. super super pain. and then i had to bath and rest for a while then went straight for dinner with my teacher and shin thong. im gonna have another dinner with my teacher like next week but with different ppl. hahah. super fun wei!

my sad poem

what have i done,
to make u turn away,
what have i said,
to make u feel this way.

isnt my love good enough?
all the time u made it tough
have u ever cared about my heart?
or u just want to be apart

i sit here and wonder what i did,
cuz u never cared a single bit
happiness i wish to u,
with all my heart i really do

what can i do, what can i say,
to make u love me again one day
i tried and tried,
but everything died

is there no hope?
i hope i can cope
answers i hope to find
cuz depression is clogging up my mind

IM SO HAPPY!!!!

finally!!!! im soooo happy!!!! haha.. i've got 3 confirmation that im not chosen for NS. andrew keeps scaring me last time that he'll pray that ill get chosen and stuff like that. but for me, i always knew that God would not get me chosen cuz He knows me too well and He knows that ill die and cry every night if i got chosen. but of course i had a little doubt for a while. but after that. i had peace in my heart. knowing that i wont get chosen at all. i've called, smsed, and even checked the website. and everything said that im not chosen! just now.. when the guy told me that im not chosen. i wanted to scream at his ear. seriously!!! ahha. but i just ended up saying oh thank u.. byeeee! haha. IM SO HAPPY SO HAPPY SO HAPPY!!!!! *jumps for joy!!!* let's celebrate!!! come on let's celebrate.. but wait!!! i just remembered im broke.. bahsss.. i better get back to my saving mode man. i could do it last year. why cant i do it this year. somemore i dont have to pay to reload my credit. dont need to pay for my lunch. since its all been paid for by my parents. im really blessed. so why do i always end up broke by the end of the month? awww man.. i better keep track with what im spending. i cant seem to remember what i spent with all my money. oh yeah..

i've been finding for an iron. not those to iron ur clothes la. but to straighten ur hair not permanently that kinda thing. cuz my mum said it would be a waste of money if i did a permanent one. and if i hate how i look, i cant just force it to get back to normal. so i wanted to get an iron. and i've been finding for it. i wanted to ask uncle micheal a.k.a my mum's friend a.k.a our hairdresser cuz it would be cheaper if he gets it since he is like a hair stylist and all. but my mum didnt let. but yesterday.. when we went to cut our hair. i decided to give it a try and ask my mum to ask him. so she asked. and he was like actually i have a extra pair that im not using. and he gave it to me for freeeeeeeee!!! can u believe it???!!! seriously. all thanks to God! He knows exactly what i want. im so grateful and thankful that he gave it to us for free.. cuz it costs around 200 plus for that thing. cuz that's what those saloon ppl use.. a really good one.. THANK U MY BIG DADDY UP THERE! haha. actually, to tell u the truth, i didnt really thank God when i got it for free. i just felt happy that i got it for free. but now. when im writing it here. i realize that actually God knows whatever my heart desires. and i realize that without Him, i wont be able to get free things. without Him, i wont have a trustworthy person to go on in life. and we look for a person or thing in our whole life to fulfill what we need and want but actually the answer is really simple. it all lies in our God. He can fulfill anything!

nothing much to say actually

i have nothing much to say this few days. cuz i've been going through the usual stuffs. so i guess u guys know what im feeling di. last night we had a dinner in italiannies for me and kim's bday and a farewell party for nat and shin thong. it was superb. i was treated really nicely by someone special *wink wink* haha. i was happy that night la.. it was a really long time since he has cared for me like that. i was really glad. really hope that it will continue longer until death do us part. lolz. i hope that my wishes come true too. lolz. it was fun la. we made loads of noise, took loads of pictures(which we always do) till all the shops closed and then the manager had to stand near our table to like HINT to us that he wants us to leave. haha. but the whole time there was great! kim's emmmm. "lou gong chai" paid for everyone. there were like almost 16 ppl. and he paid for everyone!!! wasnt it amazing?! haha. sooo happy! i have a great time AND a free dinner!!! seeee! u do get something free once in a while.. lolz

*miles apart*

if i could i would do all of this again
travel back in time with u to where this all began
we could hide inside ourselves and leave the world behind
and make believe there's something left to find

we'll be miles apart
ill keep u deep inside
ur always in my heart
a new life to start
u may be leaving but ur always in my heart

now we've all grown up, u've gone on and moved away
nothing i can do about it, nothing i can say
to bring us back to where we were when life was not this hard
looking back, it all seems so far, so far away

id give it up just to have one day with u
give it up just for one more day

i need u now, we're miles apart
ill keep u deep inside
ur always in my heart
i need u now, we're miles apart
u may be leaving, but ur always in my heart

*ocean avenue*(half of it)

if i could find u now, things would get better
we could leave this town and run forever
let ur waves crash down on me and take me away

there's a piece of u that's here with me
its everywhere i go, its everything i see
when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by
i can make believe that ur here tonight

i remember the look in ur eyes and voice
when i told u that this was goodbye
u were begging me not tonight
not here, not now
we're looking up at the same night sky
and keep pretending the sun will not rise
we'll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow

*only one*

broken, this fragile thing now
and i cant, i cant pick up the pieces
and i've thrown my words all around
but i cant, i cant give u a reason

i feel so broken up
and i give up
i just want to tell u, so u know

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to u
u are my only one
id let go, but there's just no one who gets me like u do
u are my only, my only one

made my mistakes, let u down
and i cant, i cant hold on for too long
ran my whole life in the ground
and i cant, i cant get up when ur gone

and something's breaking up
i feel like giving up
i wont walk out until u know

here i go, so dishonestly
leave a note, for u my only one
and i know u can see right through me
so let me go and u will find someone

u are my only, my only one

dont know what to say

okay i have so much in my head. where i dont know where to start. cuz its been a long time since i've written. there was this question that my friend asked my teacher in school during our devotion(what we do every morning) he asked why everytime when we're having fun or having a great time. surely after that there's something bad happened.. u might be wondering what am i talking bout. let me give u one example that happened to me today. no wait. actually, its everytime i go out! i went out today. which was very normal! and then when i came home and everything, my mum said tmr dont need to call me to ask me whether u can go out di. cuz u are not going out anymore. then she said that i always go out day and night, night and day. i mean like what the heck?! monday i didnt even go out. tuesday i just went out for like 2 hours to yam cha. today i went out and came back around 6. LIKE HARLO???!!!! for goodness sake!!!! ughhhhhhhhhh!!! last time, i sneak out cuz i was too scared of her and everything. and somemore she always like dont let me do this dont let me do that. i mean like cant she see that's she's choking me with all this things. then she told me that next time when i want to go out, no matter what just tell her. and now!!!! u see!!! does she think that im a thing that she can just simply push around with? i know that everyone is not perfect. butttt.. sighhhh.. i just dont know la.. i dont know what to say anymore. and last time. there was once she complained again that i got so SO sick of her complaining that i decided not to go di. i mean i just wanted to go to my friends house. so anyway, i canceled it. then when my mum came back. she was so surprised that im home. she was like.. ehhhh.. why didnt go out one?! her face had a huge question mark. i was like so shocked and disgusted by her question. i was like. didnt even care bout her. i didnt even answer her. i know its bad. and i know that we should respect our parents. but how????!!!! when ur put in this weird situation!!! tell me!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! sometimes i wonder why am i breathing this air that i breathe. why am i alive here in this world. why did God chose me to go through this. does He really think that im THAT strong to go through this? maybe He's testing me and teaching me to go to Him whenever im sad. i just cant take this anymore. there's no more a reason for me to actually smile.

do u think that im stupid? liking someone who doesnt even care about me? who treats me like a float(direct translate from cantonese). who only wants me to accompany him when no one else is free. who doesnt give a damn about me. who hears what i say and forgets it the very next second. aihhhh.. i just dont know what to do la. its like i know i must move on. but i cant!! there was so many first stuffs that i shared with him. he was like my first love and everything. u know(u may think that im stupid but...) i still have this thought inside my heart that in the end... we will get married. my brains like think too much that i find it hard to trust my girlfriends. i keep thinking that they're lying to me and stuff. dont really want to talk bout it here. ughh! i think this is enough of sharing and all. haha. i shall stop here now and wait for another day where i cant really tahan and spill it all out here. and by the way, if ur still reading all this. thanks for taking a time out to read! *winkz* =)

*time to grow up*

last night i tried but i couldnt sleep
thoughts of u were in my head
i was lonely and i needed u next to me
life is harder since u left
i never meant to do u wrong
and now all is said and done
i hope u wont be gone too long

where do i go
what do i do
i cant deny i still feel something
and boy, i wish u could say u feel the same
u've broken the bond
i gotta move on
but how do i end this lonely feeling?
u've gone, im here, alone
i guess its time to grow

i try to speak, but my words never catch the air
like u never knew i was there
take me back to the days when u really cared
can we make love re-appear?
i cant go on the roads too long
and now all is said and done
i cant go forward if my heart is still where im coming from

crying time is over
i know cant control his feelings
if he wont return, then i guess ill be a strong lady
and move on

time to grow and move on
make life better than it was before
time to grow and move on
make love better than i did before

though ur gone and im here, alone
i guess its time to grow

my heart bleeds...

i dunno what has happened to me. i was feeling better a while ago. i guess when i saw someone's nick, it made me really really sad. i was so happy that i get to go to carene's house in sungai petani. it is super super big. and hot. but big. but kinda run down la. and her cousin is super cute man! haha. anyways, i was enjoying the time there. with her nice and wonderful family. they are very very funny and friendly. haha. really nice to be with. i was enjoying God's wonderful art. the sky and clouds was so beautiful. even the padi fields. so so big and beautiful. it made me thank God for creating such a nice environment.

have u ever tried to forget that "special" someone but cant? it seriously hurts. and i hate that feeling man. makes me depressed everytime. and exasperated. i just want to cry and scream till i have no more voice. i want to forget bout him and everything he has put me through. but i just cant! help me! argh!!!! i know we cant just forget someone but i just want to put him in one small little corner of my heart. but i just cant! why?! someone please tell me why! sometimes i wish that i dont have any feelings. then i can just live life carelessly. just super frustrating! hate it! argh! i know there's this saying that u shouldnt get back with someone that u have let go. but its just hard la! ugh!!!!!!

*hate myself for losing u*

i woke up today
woke up wide awake
in an empty bed
staring at an empty room
i have myself to blame
for the state i'm in today

and i dont know what to say
and i dont know anyway, anymore

i hate myself for losing u
i seeing it all so clear
i hate myself for losing u
what do u do when u look in the mirror
and staring at u is why he's not here

u got what u deserved
hope are u happy now
cause everytime i think of her with u
its killing me inside
and now i dread each day

what do u say when everything u said
is the reason why he left u in the end
how do u cry when every tear u shed
wont ever bring him back again
i hate myself for losing u

*behind these hazel eyes*

seems like yesterday, u were a part of me
i used to stand so tall, i used to be strong
ur arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable, like nothing can go wrong

now i cant breathe, no i cant sleep
im barely hanging on

here i am, once again
im torn into pieces, cant deny it, cant pretend
just thought u were the one
broken up, deep inside
but u wont get to see the tears i cry
behind these hazel eyes

i told u everything, opened up and let u in
u made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be
so together, but broken up inside

swallow me, then spit me out
for hating u, i blame myself
seeing u, it kills me now
no, i dont cry on the outside anymore

emotions still taking over

its been a long long time since i've posted huh. i've been kinda lazy to write actually. haha. cuz i was so into reading the books that delicia borrowed me. well, my life has been kinda normal lately. but one thing. after reading the books that delicia had borrowed me, i felt different. i was so confident in my faith with God. i didnt doubt at all whether God is listening. and i felt that i could talk to Him any time any where. cuz in the book, whenever the girl has trouble, she'll just start praying in her head, pray out loud for other ppl, just pray whenever she feels the Holy Spirit leading. i really felt inspired when i read the book. last time i used to think that we dont need to keep praying. like what's the use of praying since God knows it all. but after reading the book, i realized the power of prayer. certainly prayer can move mountains. it may not be literally mountains. but stumbling blocks in ur life. and i wished that my family was like the girl's family in the book. she's a pastor's daughter and it was easy for her to talk to her family bout anything that she's going through. i wish i had that priviledge to just pour out my feelings to my parents and family and that i could pray with them whenever i feel sad or need help. it certainly made me want to grow up to be that kinda parent for my kids next time. hehe. i've finally have the passion to read books. i used to find reading boring. but now. WOAH! reading is superb and fun and u get to learn loads of stuff. hehe. and of course, improve on ur english. =)

tmr is camp. and i just dont feel prepared. i feel like i want to stay home and not go anywhere but lay on my bed. i know that satan is putting that thought in me. and i need to be strong and ask God to help me focus on Him instead of anything else. i kept asking myself why i dont feel excited and happy to go for camp anymore. i still havent get that answer yet. but hopefully i can prepare my heart before i go for camp.

sometimes i wish i was in HER shoes. having the guy of ur dreams to love u and care for u. i keep telling myself that he's not worth all my trouble and attention if he doesnt love and care for me back. sometimes i'll go into the depression mode. i mean i can say that im over it and trying to be cheerful now. but of course there are times when i will think back. but oh well. after that ill just snap out of it and be happy again. hehe. sometimes i wish i can not let my emotions take over me. but its hard. i guess i should start giving my emotions to God huh. maybe i should. hehehe. well, i guess i better get going. should be packing now. but too lazy. maybe ill do it tmr. hmmmm.. ahhhh.. think bout it later. i wont be blogging for few days. since ill be in camp and all. hehe. *cheers* =)

this is me

i was thinking of what i should write lately... cuz i know i shouldnt be writing bout my depressions here.. and i know i've been struggling with my feelings and emotions. i have been really stubborn bout certain decisions that had to be made and i have been running away from settling it with myself. i know i have said this a million times. but no matter what.. im still gonna say this.. i think i have finally got out of this depression mode. during this few days, not once, was i even depressed. delicia passed me this book just now in church. and when i read it. it really reminded me of how God really cares and puts my interests first. i have been taking God for granted and even neglecting Him and sometimes unintentionally blaming God of what had happen to me. but i read in ecclesiastes 7:14 "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." i extremely like the part where it says that God has created both. to me. to my point of view. i feel that i should go through some bad times and grief and all. now, u might think what is wrong with this esther?! is she crazy?! why does she want to feel sadness and grief and going through bad times? but if i dont go through those rough times and keep having good times. then i will start to have pride and think that i dont need God. since life is like so easy for me. i think sometimes God allows bad things to happen to bring us back down to earth and remember that God has everything in control when we start to place everything into His hands. i often take things into my own hands and start to think "bahhh. i can do it on my own. wait till i cant do it. then ill just go and ask God." im slowly learning to put things in God's hands. believing and trusting Him that everything will work out to the bestest! well now all i can say that im glad God has use justina to even knock some sense into my thick skull and i really appreciate that. hehe. i can feel a full burden that is lifted up from me. all this other time when i said that im finally gotten over everything. i didnt feel like this.. i didnt feel the burden lifting off of me. i wanted to make myself feel contented and forcing myself to get over it. and worse still. using my own strength to do it. i start to realize that when i ask God to even help me and give me His strength, things work out better than i have ever imagine. i dont need to put my hopes on man. i can put my hopes on God instead. way way way better solution. i just want to end by thanking God for everything that He has placed in my life. from friends to family to church leaders to every single sunshine and rain. i would never trade anything to be in my situation now. sometimes i tend to think of me me me and my problems that i forget that out there, there are more ppl who is facing worse problems than my guy problems. hehe. THANKS FOR BEING SO SPECIAL IN MY LIFE! *winkz*

*s.m.s*

lil castles in the air
still cant trust desire, dont want no vanity fair
but a girl's got dreams u cant deride.. so have i
didnt ask, u said u'd call
its been a few months and still no worde from u
tell me.. could this be true?
what'd i do wrong?
almost 'business as usual' but just as im bout to come to..

u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
do u really think that ill drop my plans to be at ur side
the things u do.. should i do a thing for u?
something's so wrong
u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
suddenly the lil thing i've got going seems to come to a grind
depend on u? aint a simple thing to do
still, its alright.. i know it's all by design

questions drown me once again
just an answer straight from u would do
tell me what i should do..quit fooling around
we can work this thing through
lets not wait for when the though times come

love is patient, love is kind
what's done in faith aint no waste of time
know the stars still shine-dont go out of ur mind
when ur looking through the window, there's no one u can find
Lord, im grateful that my name's in the palm of Your hand
when ppl let me down, i hang on to Your plan
things could be easier but i will survive
when im done being under ill be riding at the front line

*part of a fool*

i've been there before and i just cant let go
the memories and pain of the hurt i know
now deep in the night, there's a passion inside
dare i follow my heart

an innocent smile, then walk in the night
then its dinner at home served with candlelight
and its been quite a while since i felt good inside
dare i follow my heart?
do i feel something special inside of u?
do i know what u really think of me?

and the raindrops keep falling into my heart
and i just cant deny what feels so right
do i let myself go and feel the rain?
or should i play with caution and refrain?
whatever i do, when it comes to u
i know sometimes love plays the part of a fool

i know what's in store thought i cant say much more
a chance worth the taking has opened its doors
and i cant say i love u, and i cant say i dont
but i do wish i knew

*wishing for u*

it often doesnt matter how it starts
the best things can happen with a gentle touch
im not ashamed to say i would be more than okay
if by some chance u'd just ask me to stay
do i see a twinkle of hope that's in ur eyes?
when u smile it feels so right, its no surprise
its only u and i under the stars of tonight
do we dare take it to where it feels right?

how do i see what's right for me
do i deny what's inside?

if i had wings i would fly
lifting my soul to the skies
if i had nine lived to live
wish i had u to be with
if i could make dreams come true
of all the things i would do
i know that i would be wishing for u

dont get me wrong, i dont live a life of dreams
but sometimes its easier for me
why does it feel so right believing it day and night?
wishing that someday u might be with me

*why oh why?*

the moments i cant pretend
the 'sorry's i should have sent
the thought of u being in despair tears my heart out right away
i just wasnt prepared

imperfection that's what i am
confusion just took its stnad
i guess that i shouldnt have pretend to love u anyway
i wont give up again

so tell me why oh why
should there be a reason to love
why oh why
i dont need another
i want nothing else but being with u
and with u i know why

the only thing ill take with me
the eyes that smile so tenderly
everytime i think bout u
u make everything seem right
u make wishes come true

if only i knew what u needed was some love
i could have given u the best that u deserve
there's no one else id rather share my life that with u
think of whats between us
and love will help to guide us

explaining my last post's title

well, u guys who have been reading my blog, knows that i've been down and depressed lately. i have decided not to post anymore of those. i shall write bout something else di. hehe. but before i really stop posting all this.. i just want to say that after what happened today, i felt like kinda depressed cuz i dont have a person to go and share my happiness and joy and sadness and angriness and all my emotions. i know there's God to turn to. but..... bahhhh! whatever la.. nevermind. hehe. nevermind. =) so okay.. just wanna say that ill stop writing all the sad sad things =)

in that mood again! oh no!

oh yeah. just before i start my babbling. i just wanna say that I DID IT!!! i manage to say sorry to my mum and say thank u for buying me a new phone! weee! hahaha! lolz. so anyway, let me start with today. i woke up late. rushed to get ready. then when we were on the federal highway, we met with an accident. seriously scary! now when i sit in the car, im like extra conscious of what's happening around me. and im kinda scared when u turn corners or like turn left or right. cuz it just brings me back memories of the accident.. wondering what happened? so here goes...

we were driving down the bridge at the motorola and justina said that she actually saw smaller size rocks(smaller than the one we hit la). then we were kinda speeding. then suddenly out of no where, in the middle of the road. there was a huge rock. and francis couldnt swurve in time, so we hit the huge rock and the tyre punctured and we swurve to the left and made a curve to the right. and guess where were we.. that's right! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY WEIIII!!!!!! then suddenly a car came and bang us. and everything stopped. thank God it was just a kancil and nothing BAD happened to the kancil or us. thank God it wasnt a huge lorry or a bus cuz after we were at the side, there were loads of buses and lorries passing by. really thank God! after the whole thing happened, me and jessica looked at each other with our mouths opened. then while francis and the 'pat kua' passer-bys were talking bout stuffs outside the car, we kinda like wondering whether it really happened. it like in a blink of an eye, everything happened. i was thinking.. "woah! did that really happened?" it was like soooooooo scary kayyyy!!! i was telling just and jess that i felt i sat in a roller coaster but a more scarier one. i pity the poor lady who was driving the kancil. when we at the side of the road, she walked out like shivering and everything. if it was me, i serious would have peed in my pants or like cry or something. seriously.. very very scary. just now when my dad was driving for dinner just now, he was speeding, i was seriously scared and i asked him to slow down. cuz seriously the accident keeps replaying in my mind.

yayyyy!!!!!

i got my new phone!!! and its better than i expected.. i wanted the e330c since i thought it'll be cheaper.. but instead of got the e630c. super cool leh.. *winkz* thanks God! i really prayed really hard for that phone.. hehe

tears streams down my face

u know for a moment i was crying. never knew why the tears still stream down my eyes. weird huh. guess ill never know. guess i really loathe myself. deep down inside of me.. really want to be nice to my family, and my parents especially. u might think what kinda weird person am i and why cant i just do it. but i guess its just me or the way im brought up or just our asian culture, that i find it really hard to show my love and care for them. sometimes i just cant help but feel so left out and times where i ask myself whether i was really born in this family at all. sometimes i really thought i was adopted, cuz i feel that my parents dont really treat me very special. i dont understand why they restrain me from things and sometimes i even feel they dont care bout me and care bout my brothers only. sometimes in my mind i like talk to myself. "okay i should go and hug my mum and say sorry or i should say thank u for something nice they did for me" but i could never get up that courage to do that. and sometimes i really hate myself cuz of that. u wouldnt know how much i hate myself man. u might think its bad. but i grew up hating myself. in every single thing, i just hate myself. my bro could choose to hate me and why i threw a BIG and HUGE tantrum just cuz he bought a new phone or he could choose to still love me. i guess what it says in the Bible saying that u should return evil for good and not evil with evil. my bro really did that to me but at least its not until the THAT extend that i did evil to him. but im really appreciative that his girlfriend called me to ask me what phone i want to get. when my mum asked me to quickly hurry up and change so that they can go buy me a phone, inside of me i wanted to jump for joy. i really felt happy that finally i can go and get a new phone. but on the outside my pride was fully up. and i cant just take back my words and all. i said i dont want their sympathy and i dont want them to buy a phone cuz i throw a big fit. inside me i know ill never get this chance again. this situation where my mum suddenly wants to buy me a new phone. i've talked to her before that i want to save and get a new phone but she said for what i want to get a new phone. and now... my dream finally came thru. inside me, im SOOOOO SOOOOO happy and jolly.. but how am i to show it out? i think maybe i AM from this family cuz i notice all three of us(the siblings) have almost the same character. like we have our prides, temper, and everything la. almost the same man. i dunno how am i going to have the courage to say sorry that i threw a big tantrum and am thankful that they went and buy me a new phone.

......

no one is there
pushed to the edge
depressing thoughts fills my mind
tears streams down my face
people who i think cares for me
feels so far away
God feels so far away
nobody to turn to

nobody to run to
no shoulder to cry on
nobody to hug me to comfort
whatever i do or say
is wrong no matter what
locked up in my own world
waiting for someone to rescue me

everywhere i go
i see happy faces
filled with smiles and laughters
happiness and joy
but for me
its the direct opposite

i may look happy
but u wouldnt know that deep down
im hurting
i tried to cover it up
with smiles and laughter
but when im all alone
tears and sadness is all i see

people can advice me
tell me what i need to hear
telling me that God is here
but at the end of the day
im still lost in my own world
no matter how loud i shout
nobody hears
i just hate myself

i wonder if there's people out there like me
i wonder if people who's reading this understands
i dont expect people to understand
i dont even want a comment
i think most of the time i've been finding for worldly joy
that's why it lasts for few minutes
or maybe a split second

i feel like a hypocrite
i tell people what i learn
but i myself dont do it
i myself dont turn to God
i myself try to solve things on my own
i myself know the answers
i myself choose not to do it

i have dreams of doing things in church
but it all ends up just as a dream
i just feel like stopping whatever im doing
let me just be a seat warmer

sighhh...

this sucks wei. everytime i ask my mum whether i can go out. she like whatever. just go out and stuff like that. and she says that my dad dont like fetching me here and there. but isnt it one of the responsibilities of a parent? its not like i can drive u know. if i can drive ill be zooming here and there. and everytime she's like so disappointed at me. how do i know what she wants or thinks. like i can read her mind. it would help if she states down some rule or even talk to me bout what she wants me to do or like during holidays stay at home or something. she doesnt even talk to me bout all this u know. sometimes i envy some of my friends cuz their mum is like always talking to them bout anything. like talk bout guys, relationships, everything la that teenagers go through. bah. whatever la. maybe my mum grew up in a family where they dont talk much and all. but still. argh! whatever! dont care di la. im going to go out today and have fun and forget bout my sadness. shits la. i've been putting on weight cuz im soo depressed this few days. and eating is like so comforting man. argh! whatever di la! dont want to talk bout this di.

miss my cousins alot!
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my bunch of crazy girlfriends! love them to bits and pieces!
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*who am i* (maybe i shall just post a song for today)

who am i, that the Lord of the earth
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt
who am i, that the Bright Morning Star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

not because of who i am
but because of what U've done
no because of what i've done
but because of who U are

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
vapor in the wind
still U hear me when im calling
Lord, U catch me when im falling
and U've told me who i am
i am Yours
whom shall i fear
cuz i am Yours

aiks

just now something happened. i think my comp kena virus. so had to do loads of stuff. not me. but my bro helped me. hehe. so anywayz, whatever i wrote before i kena the virus is all gone cuz i had to close all the windows, close every programs actually. so yeah. im kinda lazy to write di. since i have to rewrite everything. so i shall write some other time kays? hehe.

my poems again!

days are so cold and lonely,
couples that i see are so cuddly.
i hate what u put me through,
but i still love u.
things that i say are almost the same,
cuz with my heart ur playing games.
im wondering why ur doing this to me,
i want to be as happy as i can be.

i miss the warmth of ur embrace,
or even the sight of ur face.
i miss the sound of ur voice,
cuz all i hear now is noise.
im feeling so cold,
cuz in ur arms i wanna be hold.
are u too busy to even sms?
or are u just an ass.
my heart is crying out,
cuz its u i cant live without

today i passed by,
but i couldnt say hi.
i saw u walking in,
but i couldnt move an inch.
i was in the car,
which wasnt very far.
i wish i didnt let u go,
my heart i wanna throw.
im longing for ur touch,
is that too much?
tears stream down my eyes,
no one will ever hear my cries.

sadness fills my heart,
cuz we are apart.
tears fills my eyes,
everytime we said our goodbyes.
why do u treat me like this?
its u i really miss.
i feel so exasperated,
by the way u acted.
im not a toy for u to play,
the consequences u will pay.

my heart is filled with sorrow,
i wish it'll be better by tomorrow.
emotions is taking over,
nothing would cover.
anything for ppl will do, not for me without u.

when i've decided to be happy,
he calls and make me murky.
at least i dont feel it anymore,
not like before.
i shouldnt care,
or even bear.
i feel so numb,
and so so dumb.

as days goes by,
the more we say goodbye.
the more i try to safe us,
it becomes more useless.
im beginning to wonder who u really are,
i thought u were my shining star.
i hope u wont treat me like this,
but i guess that's only a wish.

peotic nya

hey gurl... wow... ur good at poetry, man! I could never come up with such stuffs...
Anyway, i just plopped by and read ur blogs...
wanna let u know that i know exactly what u mean ("Trying to Forget But Can't", April 11 2005)
I dont have any non-text-book answers for you either, sometimes i ask myself same questions too...
but i guess all i can say is, Everything's gonna be all right, Everything's gonna be okay.
One day you'll understand why you went through what you go through now.
One day you'll understand what to do for others or say to others because of what you've experienced now.
One day your white knight in shining armor sent from heaven will come and sweep you off your feet.
And one day, when you've reached the end of your life, contentedly sitting in your rocking chair,
you'd be able to say to yourself, "I've run the race, I've fought the good fight."
And then, then you'd see the entire picture, God's lifelong work of art on the painting of Esther's life,
and you'd understand how does the dark moments in your life fit beautifully into the painting to make all things beautiful.

So, take heart, and don't give up, 'cos God ain't finished His painting yet! ;)

Luv & Hugs... from me!

He has made everything beautiful in its time....

*purest of pain*

im sorry i didnt mean to call u
but i couldnt fight it
i guess i was weak and couldnt even hide it
and so i surrender just to hear ur voice
i know how many times i said im gonna live without u
and maybe soemone else is standing there beside u
but there's something that u need to know
that deep down inside i feel like dying
i have to see u that's all im asking

give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
living without u, my world's become so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

i wish i can tell u that im feeling better everyday
that it didnt hurt when u walked away
but to tell u the truth i cant find my way

*truth is*

after a while we began to talk again
told me that he likes someone
asked me to go to friendster
and showed me her photograph

i didnt feel anything at that time
cuz i liked someone else too
but when we started to get close
all the feelings that i thought was gone
came rushing back to me once again
i tried to hide the feeling
but it was too strong

(truth is) i never gotten over u
(truth is) i wish i was standing in her shoes
(truth is) when its all said and done
guess im still in love with u
(truth is) i never should have let u go
(truth is) and its killing me cuz now i know

we reminiscence on the way things used to be
shared a couple of laughes, couple of memories
talked bout the things that had change
some for good and some for bad

now the truth is it hurts
but i know that the fault is mine
cuz i let him go
tried to get over it
but its messing with my mind
i guess im still in love

blank.. speechless.. no comments

i just dont know what to say anymore. my emotions are taking over. i know im suppose to hand it all to God. but its not easy. i just dont know what to do adi. i feel like giving up. life is just so so so full of regrets. which sometimes i really hate myself for it. u might say i live too much in my past and regrets. but arghhhH!!! im trying kayyy! but it just doesnt work! i dont know what is wrong with me! am i not trying hard enough?

isit cuz i've hurt u when i said we should just be friends?
isit cuz i didnt keep in touch with u for 1 year plus?
thats why u treat me like this?
why dont u call me anymore?
why dont u sms me anymore?
do u know that it hurts?
are u too busy to even talk to me now?
are u too caught up with another girl?
i dunno why i still love u, even though u treated me badly
is this love?
or is this just plain stupidness?

why should we love? when we know that we'll end up hurt.
why should we love? when our hearts gets crushed into a million pieces.
why should we love? when u change into someone u dont know urself.
why should we love? when it makes us do silly things without thinking.

my poems which i've written every night

as another day goes by,
tears wanted to stream down my eye.
the pain stings my heart,
when we are apart.
smiles in me are drowning,
my heart is beginning to start frowning.
my mind cant seem to forget him,
he appears in everything.

he sms-es me when i least expect it,
making my heart melt into a million bits.
i wonder if he really cares for me,
or he's just too free.
my mind wonders oh so tragically,
and my heart wants to be happy.

why does things change so fast,
in a blink of an eye its the past.
my heart is hurting so badly,
and its loving him madly.
i feel like crying,
or even worse, die-ing.
why does love bring u up to cloud 9,
and ends in a matter of no time.

i cant explain how i feel now,
my heart is asking how.
my thoughts are all jumbled up,
i feel like giving up.
even though i dont like what he did to me,
memories of him still wont let me be.
i want to let him go,
but my heart is saying no

what to do with my future?!

i know im not suppose to be worrying bout my future cuz God is in control. but still i need to wonder and ask what i should do right. im still thinking on what course to study next time cuz i need to go around and check colleges around malaysia. bahhh. i just hat e to think bout my studies. ugh! so pray for me. pray that i can find a course that i wanna do

trying to forget but cant

im really really trying really really really hard to forget bout him. but i dunno why.. everywhere i go or whatever i do, reminds me of him. its surely once everyday. something will happen to remind me of him. i wonder why. ugh! i was and am chatting with eden bout this. and she agreed with me. i think this happens to everyone huh. i mean there are times where i can be free and totally happy that im single.. but there are also time where i keep thinking bout him and being sad cuz he has changed SOO SOO much till i dont even know who is he anymore. sometimes i cant even believe that i even thought of having a future with him. i really thought there was a possibility. its like a part of my heart is like being negative saying that it'll never happen. but most of my heart is like being all positive and stuff thinking that we both can a future together and everything. well, we all dont know what the future brings. maybe God is like changing him to become my dream guy or maybe changing someone else to be my dream guy. i dunno what God is doing. all i can do now is trust in God believing Him to bring me a great guy who will treat me like a lady and respect me and u know being my "dream guy". haha. sometimes i really wish that God would like show me my future in a dream so that at least i know something bout my future. cuz i worry too much. but i learned something. for what u wanna spend ur time worrying when u can do something better with ur "worrying-time". im trying to put that into practice. kinda hard though. saying is easy but doing is really really tough. sometimes i look around me. i feel like my friends life is all planned out. like they know what is their purpose here, what are they gonna do next time, and so on. and when i look at myself. aw man. *decides not to look anymore* sometimes i hate myself for living life aimlessly. actually, most of the time i hate myself cuz sometimes i just feel like im not being loved. like even my mum dont even trust me thinking that ill do something naughty or whatever. i feel so sad that she doesnt even trust me.


sometimes i feel what is the purpose im here. i mean its easy to answer "text-book answers" like ohhh we're here for one purpose God! God! and everything also God. i dont mean to sound anti-spiritual here. on sunday. when we had our timbrel meeting. aunt see wei brought up a few questions and it was so easy for us to say "of course we're dancing for God. who else would we dance for" and everything. but we really have to look down in ourselves and ask ourselves. think properly. dont just answer some typical answers. i dunno whether u understand what im saying. maybe u might take it in a different way. i dont know. life is so unpredictable. u may have a great time for a period of time, then suddenly everything ends and goes out of plan. i guess things happens for a reason. maybe one day when im older and "matured", ill understand why i had to go through that problem or struggle. when i overcome problems, surely one of my friends will come up to me and tell me the problem he/she is going through. i was like woah! such a coincidence. okay okay. its not a coincidence. its God's planning. in Romans 8:28 - everything happens for the good of the ppl He loves. there is another verse which i cant remember now. since my Bible is not at home, its at school. ill post it when i take back my Bible. i really love that verse and i even shared it when i was giving my testimony. its something like God brings u to a problem and He is the God of comfort who comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others that is like going through the same thing u know. i feel its really really true. cuz it comes through everytime i overcome a problem. hehe. anyway, i think i better go and sleep. get my beauty sleep. hehe. lolz. have a blessed week ppl! and thanks for reading! *winkz*

me again. another angle. haha
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me
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finally.. a change.. hehe

hello hello.. i've been wanting for a change a long long time ago. cuz kinda getting bored of seeing pink everytime i post u know. u must be like woah! esther?! is this esther?! saying that she's bored of pink? haha. never!!! lolz. but its just that i've seen it tooo long di.. so need some change mar.. ppl needs a change after a while. and ppl have been complaining that my blog is tooo pink.. but i need a lil pink in everything. so now im trying pink fonts.. i wonder if it'll be nice.. hehe.. i've not been talking bout bgr right? lolz. have i? hmmmm, maybe cuz at that period of time my mind was sooo caught up with bgr.. so naturally ill write bout it. since it practically controlled my emotions.. and that time!!! haha. not now.. now God controls my mind. hehe. sorry jared if i dont reply u poem with another poem. i shall wait till my brains work on poems again. haha. its like my brains need to recover from the last poetic post to rewrite another.

yesterday i had my first day of dance class, it was super fun. i loveeeeee to dance! ahhaha. although i cant keep up in some steps. but oh well. practice makes perfect right?! haha. lolz. so need to practice and get use to dancing. cuz after that my legs hurt soooo badly. must be cuz i've never exercised for so long. i only like walk once in a while when carene is free cuz i cant walk alone around my neighborhood u know. my parents will kill me.. haha. lolz. im still sick.. its like for dunno how many million years di. well, at least now im feeling better than before. so its a good thing. hehe. praise God for that =) hehe.

second post

see. now he's like sms-ing me like crazy pretending like nothing has ever happen. and everything is like normal. its like he's thinking that ill ever forgive him of all the things he has done to me. but oh well. i forgave him long long time ago. since i need to forgive ppl right. no use keeping grudges in my heart cuz it'll only kill and hurt me not other ppl anyway. aihhh.. all i can say is that God gives and takes away. but my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name!!!!!!!!

but why?

im still wondering. u know me and my thinking. why in the first place did he get close to me? and call me everyday. sms me everyday. ask me to go out everyday. and then now. all of a sudden. no calls/sms-es from him. nothing. i hear nothing from him. he treating me like this now makes me feel like i was used. like i was a stand-by person when the other girl he likes is not free or something. i was just thinking just now. throughout this few months of me being close to him, most of the time he calls me often is cuz he needs someone to listen to him. every single time he will be the one talking and complaining bout his depression and everything and when i want to say something. he wont listen or couldnt even care bout what im saying. like that day after the undang when we were walking to the car. i said im going to malacca later. he like didnt listen and continue talking and talking. then when i was on the way to malacca.. he called me and ask me where am i. i said im on the way to malacca. he was like. why u didnt tell??!! i was like i told u okay.. u just didnt listen and shrug it off. ish ish. and i felt so dumb to even let him let go his anger on me. i cant believe it that i even ignored the fact that he was so rude to me. there was once i was in the car with jared. then he called me. so i talked for a while la. then he asked me where i was going. i said got family dinner. then he said why always also got family dinner one. then i said cuz my uncle's from u.s came back.. (like harloooo! i told u!) then he was like what's their problem?! at that time when i heard that i dont know why. but i just keep telling myself "nahhh. he's just joking and everything." but things seem to have gotten worse after that. he started to be more and more rude to me. i felt like i dont know him anymore. like he has changed so so so much. i cant believe that i even thought that me and him had a possibility of getting back together when we're older. i just cant believe it that i even THOUGHT of it! oh my goodness! well, i wish good luck and all the best to the girl who likes him and vice versa. hope that he changes before he hurts any other girl.

- goodbye to u -

of all the things i believed in
i just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but i do not cry
counting the days that pass me by

words that im hearing are starting to get old
it feels like im starting all over again
goodbye to u
goodbye to everything that i knew
u were the one that i loved
the one that i tried to hold on to

i used to get lost in ur eyes
and having butterflies
and it seemed like i couldnt live a day without u
but now it isnt true

i could finally breath again
Godly happiness, by myself i cant gain
my days were filled with rain
but now my future with God it contains

God will give me a better person one day
all i've gotta do now is pray
no need to hurry
or even worry
cuz God has His plans
everything is in His hands

haha. crapz

well, u've notice my last post was mostly regretting bout my past. but.... now... haha. after certain things that i went thru with that idiot guy. im happy to say. that im happy being single! and not thinking bout this guy in my mind. now i can concentrate on my studies, friends, and everything else besides concentrating on one person only. im really glad cuz during sunday service the pastor practically like preached everything that i need to know. like all the answers to my question. well, at least now my ketua biri-biri and my kai cheh knows what im going through like updating them with my life. im really glad that i had the courage to go and tell them cuz after service i didnt feel like telling them di. but at last i decided to tell them. hehe. im kinda lazy to write out my whole process of rough time and struggles. id rather wanna write bout my conclusion! hehe. lolz. before this sunday, i really thought that my life was so miserable, really felt so used, felt so guilty, so depressed and everything. but now i settled everything with myself and God! really glad that i went for the planet shakers concert, though i had to skip yf but it was worth it cuz i really could feel God's touch again.

*id rather*

i thought some time alone was what we really needed
u said this time would hurt more than it helps
but i couldnt see that i thought it would be the end of a beautiful story
i found out this one thing that is true
that im nothing without u
im better now. i've changed my heart

id rather have bad times with u, than good times with someone else
id rather be beside u in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
id rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
id rather have the one who holds my heart

i cant blame u if u turn away from me, like i've done to u
i can only prove the things i say with time



i thought letting go of u would be a good thing. but through a year plus. i realize how much i miss the time we were together. i started to regret letting u go. i ask my heart and wonder why did i ever do such a stupid thing. im so sorry for hurting u on the day when i decided to stop this relationship. i really thought that when we're older we still have a chance to get back together. my heart is still hoping for that day to come. i really hope that u feel the same way as me. but i think that i wont have a very high chance of that.

*how can i not love u*

cannot touch, cannot hold
cannot be together
cannot love, cannot kiss
cannot have each other
must be strong
and we must let go
cannot say what our hearts must know

how can i not love u
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want u here in my arms
how does one walk away from all of the memories
how do i not miss u when ur gone

cannot dream
cannot share sweet and tender moments
cannot feel how we feel
must pretend its over
must be brave
and we must go on
must not say what we've known all along

+. misses .+

its been a long time since i've posted cuz firstly my uncle's came back from u.s and one of my uncle are staying in my room. so i seldom get to touch my poor computer. lolz. and oh yeah. just wanna say sorry for any erm bad things i posted the other time. cuz i was too angry. i just needed to express my feelings out. lolz. i just came back from my family trip. still wondering why i went for it. i dunno why too. but oh well. at least i got to spend some "quality" time with my cousins. lolz. didnt get a chance to take pictures with them. nevermind still have a few more days. so anyway, the indoor camp thingy was kinda fun. it made me take a step of faith and coming out from my comfort zone. and i told eng kok that i wanted to back up sing. actually i wanted to start of as worship leader.. but i think back up singer will do for me.. for now! hehe. so anyway. lazy to write somemore. ill update u somemore when my uncle's go back. now im too lazy to sit here and think. since i dont want to spend so much time in "their" room. hehe.

yet another post!

why cant i just have my freedom???!!!! why why why??!!! somebody tell me... why???!!!! why is the world like that?!! why is the darn f***ing world like that??!!! what the shit man! ughhhhhhhhhh! i just cant take it anymore!!!!!! arghhhhhhhh!!!! too much too much!!! isit a sin to have my freedom??!! isit isit??!!! why is life like that?! why?! why?!

*screams*

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *PULLS HAIR!* I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!

f*** u man!

forgive me for my words! but i just cant take it!!! have u ever been betrayed by ur own family member??!! where ur own damn family dont even trust u?! darn F*** right???!!!!!! i bet u dunno how i feel since i bet u guys come from a way way better home than me. for me.. my home just basically SUCKSSSS!!! who ever is reading this.. pls DO NOT post a comment! i dont not need any of those spiritual shit right now! i just need to let go my anger.. cuz all my anger has been bottled up enough that i just cant keep it inside anymore!

one word that sums my feelings

u wouldnt appreciate what u have until its gone! *sob sob*

- going crazy -

ever since the day u went away
and left me lonely and cold
my life just hasnt been the same
when i looked into ur eyes
the moment i let u go i just broke down

baby if i ever get a chance to to be with u again
i would sacrifice
cuz the feeling that i feel within no other man would ever make me feel so right
its nice to smile when i get ur phone call at night
but i rather have u here with me
right next to me
and i miss the way u hold me tight

i've got to let u know i feel so weak without ur touch
i never thought that i could ever love a man so much
ive gotta let u know that i think that we have destiny
for u id cross the world
for u id do anything

that's right baby
im going crazy
i need to be ur lady
i been thinking lately
that u and me can make it
im in love with u

break it down then ill tell u what i feel
from the moment i met u, its been darn real
my heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
cant believe i feel so weak
tell me that u really need me
and u want me
and u miss me
and u love me
im ur lady
ill be around waiting for u
put it down be the woman for u
im falling so deep for u
crazy over u
what am i gonna do
its true
its u and no other
i can no longer go on without u
i just break down

my poem! my poem! hehe ^_^

i have this book of thoughts. and as i was reading my previous ermmm. thoughts. hehe. i came across this poem that i wrote for that someone special. and i wonder why i didnt post it here but i posted it on friendster. so im gonna post it here. and feel free to give any comments kay. i know its cacated. dont need to say that. ahha

i never knew i would fall for u,
well this day has finally come true,
nothing could make me feel better,
because its u that matters.

words cant describe how i really feel,
only God knows what is real,
what kind of signs are u sending?,
cuz i think the continuation is pending.

no feeling in this world can replace this,
sometimes i wish time could just freeze,
love is an extraordinary word,
that mades u as chirpy as a bird.

love is not just bout looks or flirting,
it is about a commitment u are keeping,
will my dreams come true?,
i really want it to, i really do.

God works in wonderous ways,
dont neglect Him, it would be such a waste,
everybody couldnt believe their ears,
for they couldnt believe what they hear.

for u, i will be here,
every second to every year,
you're the bestest friend a girl can find,
being with u is the greatest time.

to u i dedicate his poem sincerely,
hope that u live life happily,
i really want to have a future with u,
from the bottom of my heart i really do

feelings can just come and go,
traffic can pass through and fro,
but i will never let u go.
never!!! haha