*hate myself for losing u*

i woke up today
woke up wide awake
in an empty bed
staring at an empty room
i have myself to blame
for the state i'm in today

and i dont know what to say
and i dont know anyway, anymore

i hate myself for losing u
i seeing it all so clear
i hate myself for losing u
what do u do when u look in the mirror
and staring at u is why he's not here

u got what u deserved
hope are u happy now
cause everytime i think of her with u
its killing me inside
and now i dread each day

what do u say when everything u said
is the reason why he left u in the end
how do u cry when every tear u shed
wont ever bring him back again
i hate myself for losing u

*behind these hazel eyes*

seems like yesterday, u were a part of me
i used to stand so tall, i used to be strong
ur arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable, like nothing can go wrong

now i cant breathe, no i cant sleep
im barely hanging on

here i am, once again
im torn into pieces, cant deny it, cant pretend
just thought u were the one
broken up, deep inside
but u wont get to see the tears i cry
behind these hazel eyes

i told u everything, opened up and let u in
u made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be
so together, but broken up inside

swallow me, then spit me out
for hating u, i blame myself
seeing u, it kills me now
no, i dont cry on the outside anymore

emotions still taking over

its been a long long time since i've posted huh. i've been kinda lazy to write actually. haha. cuz i was so into reading the books that delicia borrowed me. well, my life has been kinda normal lately. but one thing. after reading the books that delicia had borrowed me, i felt different. i was so confident in my faith with God. i didnt doubt at all whether God is listening. and i felt that i could talk to Him any time any where. cuz in the book, whenever the girl has trouble, she'll just start praying in her head, pray out loud for other ppl, just pray whenever she feels the Holy Spirit leading. i really felt inspired when i read the book. last time i used to think that we dont need to keep praying. like what's the use of praying since God knows it all. but after reading the book, i realized the power of prayer. certainly prayer can move mountains. it may not be literally mountains. but stumbling blocks in ur life. and i wished that my family was like the girl's family in the book. she's a pastor's daughter and it was easy for her to talk to her family bout anything that she's going through. i wish i had that priviledge to just pour out my feelings to my parents and family and that i could pray with them whenever i feel sad or need help. it certainly made me want to grow up to be that kinda parent for my kids next time. hehe. i've finally have the passion to read books. i used to find reading boring. but now. WOAH! reading is superb and fun and u get to learn loads of stuff. hehe. and of course, improve on ur english. =)

tmr is camp. and i just dont feel prepared. i feel like i want to stay home and not go anywhere but lay on my bed. i know that satan is putting that thought in me. and i need to be strong and ask God to help me focus on Him instead of anything else. i kept asking myself why i dont feel excited and happy to go for camp anymore. i still havent get that answer yet. but hopefully i can prepare my heart before i go for camp.

sometimes i wish i was in HER shoes. having the guy of ur dreams to love u and care for u. i keep telling myself that he's not worth all my trouble and attention if he doesnt love and care for me back. sometimes i'll go into the depression mode. i mean i can say that im over it and trying to be cheerful now. but of course there are times when i will think back. but oh well. after that ill just snap out of it and be happy again. hehe. sometimes i wish i can not let my emotions take over me. but its hard. i guess i should start giving my emotions to God huh. maybe i should. hehehe. well, i guess i better get going. should be packing now. but too lazy. maybe ill do it tmr. hmmmm.. ahhhh.. think bout it later. i wont be blogging for few days. since ill be in camp and all. hehe. *cheers* =)

this is me

i was thinking of what i should write lately... cuz i know i shouldnt be writing bout my depressions here.. and i know i've been struggling with my feelings and emotions. i have been really stubborn bout certain decisions that had to be made and i have been running away from settling it with myself. i know i have said this a million times. but no matter what.. im still gonna say this.. i think i have finally got out of this depression mode. during this few days, not once, was i even depressed. delicia passed me this book just now in church. and when i read it. it really reminded me of how God really cares and puts my interests first. i have been taking God for granted and even neglecting Him and sometimes unintentionally blaming God of what had happen to me. but i read in ecclesiastes 7:14 "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. therefore a man cannot discover anything about his future." i extremely like the part where it says that God has created both. to me. to my point of view. i feel that i should go through some bad times and grief and all. now, u might think what is wrong with this esther?! is she crazy?! why does she want to feel sadness and grief and going through bad times? but if i dont go through those rough times and keep having good times. then i will start to have pride and think that i dont need God. since life is like so easy for me. i think sometimes God allows bad things to happen to bring us back down to earth and remember that God has everything in control when we start to place everything into His hands. i often take things into my own hands and start to think "bahhh. i can do it on my own. wait till i cant do it. then ill just go and ask God." im slowly learning to put things in God's hands. believing and trusting Him that everything will work out to the bestest! well now all i can say that im glad God has use justina to even knock some sense into my thick skull and i really appreciate that. hehe. i can feel a full burden that is lifted up from me. all this other time when i said that im finally gotten over everything. i didnt feel like this.. i didnt feel the burden lifting off of me. i wanted to make myself feel contented and forcing myself to get over it. and worse still. using my own strength to do it. i start to realize that when i ask God to even help me and give me His strength, things work out better than i have ever imagine. i dont need to put my hopes on man. i can put my hopes on God instead. way way way better solution. i just want to end by thanking God for everything that He has placed in my life. from friends to family to church leaders to every single sunshine and rain. i would never trade anything to be in my situation now. sometimes i tend to think of me me me and my problems that i forget that out there, there are more ppl who is facing worse problems than my guy problems. hehe. THANKS FOR BEING SO SPECIAL IN MY LIFE! *winkz*

*s.m.s*

lil castles in the air
still cant trust desire, dont want no vanity fair
but a girl's got dreams u cant deride.. so have i
didnt ask, u said u'd call
its been a few months and still no worde from u
tell me.. could this be true?
what'd i do wrong?
almost 'business as usual' but just as im bout to come to..

u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
do u really think that ill drop my plans to be at ur side
the things u do.. should i do a thing for u?
something's so wrong
u send me an s.m.s saying its an s.o.s
suddenly the lil thing i've got going seems to come to a grind
depend on u? aint a simple thing to do
still, its alright.. i know it's all by design

questions drown me once again
just an answer straight from u would do
tell me what i should do..quit fooling around
we can work this thing through
lets not wait for when the though times come

love is patient, love is kind
what's done in faith aint no waste of time
know the stars still shine-dont go out of ur mind
when ur looking through the window, there's no one u can find
Lord, im grateful that my name's in the palm of Your hand
when ppl let me down, i hang on to Your plan
things could be easier but i will survive
when im done being under ill be riding at the front line

*part of a fool*

i've been there before and i just cant let go
the memories and pain of the hurt i know
now deep in the night, there's a passion inside
dare i follow my heart

an innocent smile, then walk in the night
then its dinner at home served with candlelight
and its been quite a while since i felt good inside
dare i follow my heart?
do i feel something special inside of u?
do i know what u really think of me?

and the raindrops keep falling into my heart
and i just cant deny what feels so right
do i let myself go and feel the rain?
or should i play with caution and refrain?
whatever i do, when it comes to u
i know sometimes love plays the part of a fool

i know what's in store thought i cant say much more
a chance worth the taking has opened its doors
and i cant say i love u, and i cant say i dont
but i do wish i knew

*wishing for u*

it often doesnt matter how it starts
the best things can happen with a gentle touch
im not ashamed to say i would be more than okay
if by some chance u'd just ask me to stay
do i see a twinkle of hope that's in ur eyes?
when u smile it feels so right, its no surprise
its only u and i under the stars of tonight
do we dare take it to where it feels right?

how do i see what's right for me
do i deny what's inside?

if i had wings i would fly
lifting my soul to the skies
if i had nine lived to live
wish i had u to be with
if i could make dreams come true
of all the things i would do
i know that i would be wishing for u

dont get me wrong, i dont live a life of dreams
but sometimes its easier for me
why does it feel so right believing it day and night?
wishing that someday u might be with me

*why oh why?*

the moments i cant pretend
the 'sorry's i should have sent
the thought of u being in despair tears my heart out right away
i just wasnt prepared

imperfection that's what i am
confusion just took its stnad
i guess that i shouldnt have pretend to love u anyway
i wont give up again

so tell me why oh why
should there be a reason to love
why oh why
i dont need another
i want nothing else but being with u
and with u i know why

the only thing ill take with me
the eyes that smile so tenderly
everytime i think bout u
u make everything seem right
u make wishes come true

if only i knew what u needed was some love
i could have given u the best that u deserve
there's no one else id rather share my life that with u
think of whats between us
and love will help to guide us

explaining my last post's title

well, u guys who have been reading my blog, knows that i've been down and depressed lately. i have decided not to post anymore of those. i shall write bout something else di. hehe. but before i really stop posting all this.. i just want to say that after what happened today, i felt like kinda depressed cuz i dont have a person to go and share my happiness and joy and sadness and angriness and all my emotions. i know there's God to turn to. but..... bahhhh! whatever la.. nevermind. hehe. nevermind. =) so okay.. just wanna say that ill stop writing all the sad sad things =)

in that mood again! oh no!

oh yeah. just before i start my babbling. i just wanna say that I DID IT!!! i manage to say sorry to my mum and say thank u for buying me a new phone! weee! hahaha! lolz. so anyway, let me start with today. i woke up late. rushed to get ready. then when we were on the federal highway, we met with an accident. seriously scary! now when i sit in the car, im like extra conscious of what's happening around me. and im kinda scared when u turn corners or like turn left or right. cuz it just brings me back memories of the accident.. wondering what happened? so here goes...

we were driving down the bridge at the motorola and justina said that she actually saw smaller size rocks(smaller than the one we hit la). then we were kinda speeding. then suddenly out of no where, in the middle of the road. there was a huge rock. and francis couldnt swurve in time, so we hit the huge rock and the tyre punctured and we swurve to the left and made a curve to the right. and guess where were we.. that's right! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY WEIIII!!!!!! then suddenly a car came and bang us. and everything stopped. thank God it was just a kancil and nothing BAD happened to the kancil or us. thank God it wasnt a huge lorry or a bus cuz after we were at the side, there were loads of buses and lorries passing by. really thank God! after the whole thing happened, me and jessica looked at each other with our mouths opened. then while francis and the 'pat kua' passer-bys were talking bout stuffs outside the car, we kinda like wondering whether it really happened. it like in a blink of an eye, everything happened. i was thinking.. "woah! did that really happened?" it was like soooooooo scary kayyyy!!! i was telling just and jess that i felt i sat in a roller coaster but a more scarier one. i pity the poor lady who was driving the kancil. when we at the side of the road, she walked out like shivering and everything. if it was me, i serious would have peed in my pants or like cry or something. seriously.. very very scary. just now when my dad was driving for dinner just now, he was speeding, i was seriously scared and i asked him to slow down. cuz seriously the accident keeps replaying in my mind.

yayyyy!!!!!

i got my new phone!!! and its better than i expected.. i wanted the e330c since i thought it'll be cheaper.. but instead of got the e630c. super cool leh.. *winkz* thanks God! i really prayed really hard for that phone.. hehe

tears streams down my face

u know for a moment i was crying. never knew why the tears still stream down my eyes. weird huh. guess ill never know. guess i really loathe myself. deep down inside of me.. really want to be nice to my family, and my parents especially. u might think what kinda weird person am i and why cant i just do it. but i guess its just me or the way im brought up or just our asian culture, that i find it really hard to show my love and care for them. sometimes i just cant help but feel so left out and times where i ask myself whether i was really born in this family at all. sometimes i really thought i was adopted, cuz i feel that my parents dont really treat me very special. i dont understand why they restrain me from things and sometimes i even feel they dont care bout me and care bout my brothers only. sometimes in my mind i like talk to myself. "okay i should go and hug my mum and say sorry or i should say thank u for something nice they did for me" but i could never get up that courage to do that. and sometimes i really hate myself cuz of that. u wouldnt know how much i hate myself man. u might think its bad. but i grew up hating myself. in every single thing, i just hate myself. my bro could choose to hate me and why i threw a BIG and HUGE tantrum just cuz he bought a new phone or he could choose to still love me. i guess what it says in the Bible saying that u should return evil for good and not evil with evil. my bro really did that to me but at least its not until the THAT extend that i did evil to him. but im really appreciative that his girlfriend called me to ask me what phone i want to get. when my mum asked me to quickly hurry up and change so that they can go buy me a phone, inside of me i wanted to jump for joy. i really felt happy that finally i can go and get a new phone. but on the outside my pride was fully up. and i cant just take back my words and all. i said i dont want their sympathy and i dont want them to buy a phone cuz i throw a big fit. inside me i know ill never get this chance again. this situation where my mum suddenly wants to buy me a new phone. i've talked to her before that i want to save and get a new phone but she said for what i want to get a new phone. and now... my dream finally came thru. inside me, im SOOOOO SOOOOO happy and jolly.. but how am i to show it out? i think maybe i AM from this family cuz i notice all three of us(the siblings) have almost the same character. like we have our prides, temper, and everything la. almost the same man. i dunno how am i going to have the courage to say sorry that i threw a big tantrum and am thankful that they went and buy me a new phone.

......

no one is there
pushed to the edge
depressing thoughts fills my mind
tears streams down my face
people who i think cares for me
feels so far away
God feels so far away
nobody to turn to

nobody to run to
no shoulder to cry on
nobody to hug me to comfort
whatever i do or say
is wrong no matter what
locked up in my own world
waiting for someone to rescue me

everywhere i go
i see happy faces
filled with smiles and laughters
happiness and joy
but for me
its the direct opposite

i may look happy
but u wouldnt know that deep down
im hurting
i tried to cover it up
with smiles and laughter
but when im all alone
tears and sadness is all i see

people can advice me
tell me what i need to hear
telling me that God is here
but at the end of the day
im still lost in my own world
no matter how loud i shout
nobody hears
i just hate myself

i wonder if there's people out there like me
i wonder if people who's reading this understands
i dont expect people to understand
i dont even want a comment
i think most of the time i've been finding for worldly joy
that's why it lasts for few minutes
or maybe a split second

i feel like a hypocrite
i tell people what i learn
but i myself dont do it
i myself dont turn to God
i myself try to solve things on my own
i myself know the answers
i myself choose not to do it

i have dreams of doing things in church
but it all ends up just as a dream
i just feel like stopping whatever im doing
let me just be a seat warmer

sighhh...

this sucks wei. everytime i ask my mum whether i can go out. she like whatever. just go out and stuff like that. and she says that my dad dont like fetching me here and there. but isnt it one of the responsibilities of a parent? its not like i can drive u know. if i can drive ill be zooming here and there. and everytime she's like so disappointed at me. how do i know what she wants or thinks. like i can read her mind. it would help if she states down some rule or even talk to me bout what she wants me to do or like during holidays stay at home or something. she doesnt even talk to me bout all this u know. sometimes i envy some of my friends cuz their mum is like always talking to them bout anything. like talk bout guys, relationships, everything la that teenagers go through. bah. whatever la. maybe my mum grew up in a family where they dont talk much and all. but still. argh! whatever! dont care di la. im going to go out today and have fun and forget bout my sadness. shits la. i've been putting on weight cuz im soo depressed this few days. and eating is like so comforting man. argh! whatever di la! dont want to talk bout this di.

miss my cousins alot!
Posted by Hello

my bunch of crazy girlfriends! love them to bits and pieces!
Posted by Hello

*who am i* (maybe i shall just post a song for today)

who am i, that the Lord of the earth
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt
who am i, that the Bright Morning Star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

not because of who i am
but because of what U've done
no because of what i've done
but because of who U are

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
vapor in the wind
still U hear me when im calling
Lord, U catch me when im falling
and U've told me who i am
i am Yours
whom shall i fear
cuz i am Yours

aiks

just now something happened. i think my comp kena virus. so had to do loads of stuff. not me. but my bro helped me. hehe. so anywayz, whatever i wrote before i kena the virus is all gone cuz i had to close all the windows, close every programs actually. so yeah. im kinda lazy to write di. since i have to rewrite everything. so i shall write some other time kays? hehe.

my poems again!

days are so cold and lonely,
couples that i see are so cuddly.
i hate what u put me through,
but i still love u.
things that i say are almost the same,
cuz with my heart ur playing games.
im wondering why ur doing this to me,
i want to be as happy as i can be.

i miss the warmth of ur embrace,
or even the sight of ur face.
i miss the sound of ur voice,
cuz all i hear now is noise.
im feeling so cold,
cuz in ur arms i wanna be hold.
are u too busy to even sms?
or are u just an ass.
my heart is crying out,
cuz its u i cant live without

today i passed by,
but i couldnt say hi.
i saw u walking in,
but i couldnt move an inch.
i was in the car,
which wasnt very far.
i wish i didnt let u go,
my heart i wanna throw.
im longing for ur touch,
is that too much?
tears stream down my eyes,
no one will ever hear my cries.

sadness fills my heart,
cuz we are apart.
tears fills my eyes,
everytime we said our goodbyes.
why do u treat me like this?
its u i really miss.
i feel so exasperated,
by the way u acted.
im not a toy for u to play,
the consequences u will pay.

my heart is filled with sorrow,
i wish it'll be better by tomorrow.
emotions is taking over,
nothing would cover.
anything for ppl will do, not for me without u.

when i've decided to be happy,
he calls and make me murky.
at least i dont feel it anymore,
not like before.
i shouldnt care,
or even bear.
i feel so numb,
and so so dumb.

as days goes by,
the more we say goodbye.
the more i try to safe us,
it becomes more useless.
im beginning to wonder who u really are,
i thought u were my shining star.
i hope u wont treat me like this,
but i guess that's only a wish.

peotic nya

hey gurl... wow... ur good at poetry, man! I could never come up with such stuffs...
Anyway, i just plopped by and read ur blogs...
wanna let u know that i know exactly what u mean ("Trying to Forget But Can't", April 11 2005)
I dont have any non-text-book answers for you either, sometimes i ask myself same questions too...
but i guess all i can say is, Everything's gonna be all right, Everything's gonna be okay.
One day you'll understand why you went through what you go through now.
One day you'll understand what to do for others or say to others because of what you've experienced now.
One day your white knight in shining armor sent from heaven will come and sweep you off your feet.
And one day, when you've reached the end of your life, contentedly sitting in your rocking chair,
you'd be able to say to yourself, "I've run the race, I've fought the good fight."
And then, then you'd see the entire picture, God's lifelong work of art on the painting of Esther's life,
and you'd understand how does the dark moments in your life fit beautifully into the painting to make all things beautiful.

So, take heart, and don't give up, 'cos God ain't finished His painting yet! ;)

Luv & Hugs... from me!

He has made everything beautiful in its time....

*purest of pain*

im sorry i didnt mean to call u
but i couldnt fight it
i guess i was weak and couldnt even hide it
and so i surrender just to hear ur voice
i know how many times i said im gonna live without u
and maybe soemone else is standing there beside u
but there's something that u need to know
that deep down inside i feel like dying
i have to see u that's all im asking

give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
living without u, my world's become so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

i wish i can tell u that im feeling better everyday
that it didnt hurt when u walked away
but to tell u the truth i cant find my way

*truth is*

after a while we began to talk again
told me that he likes someone
asked me to go to friendster
and showed me her photograph

i didnt feel anything at that time
cuz i liked someone else too
but when we started to get close
all the feelings that i thought was gone
came rushing back to me once again
i tried to hide the feeling
but it was too strong

(truth is) i never gotten over u
(truth is) i wish i was standing in her shoes
(truth is) when its all said and done
guess im still in love with u
(truth is) i never should have let u go
(truth is) and its killing me cuz now i know

we reminiscence on the way things used to be
shared a couple of laughes, couple of memories
talked bout the things that had change
some for good and some for bad

now the truth is it hurts
but i know that the fault is mine
cuz i let him go
tried to get over it
but its messing with my mind
i guess im still in love

blank.. speechless.. no comments

i just dont know what to say anymore. my emotions are taking over. i know im suppose to hand it all to God. but its not easy. i just dont know what to do adi. i feel like giving up. life is just so so so full of regrets. which sometimes i really hate myself for it. u might say i live too much in my past and regrets. but arghhhH!!! im trying kayyy! but it just doesnt work! i dont know what is wrong with me! am i not trying hard enough?

isit cuz i've hurt u when i said we should just be friends?
isit cuz i didnt keep in touch with u for 1 year plus?
thats why u treat me like this?
why dont u call me anymore?
why dont u sms me anymore?
do u know that it hurts?
are u too busy to even talk to me now?
are u too caught up with another girl?
i dunno why i still love u, even though u treated me badly
is this love?
or is this just plain stupidness?

why should we love? when we know that we'll end up hurt.
why should we love? when our hearts gets crushed into a million pieces.
why should we love? when u change into someone u dont know urself.
why should we love? when it makes us do silly things without thinking.

my poems which i've written every night

as another day goes by,
tears wanted to stream down my eye.
the pain stings my heart,
when we are apart.
smiles in me are drowning,
my heart is beginning to start frowning.
my mind cant seem to forget him,
he appears in everything.

he sms-es me when i least expect it,
making my heart melt into a million bits.
i wonder if he really cares for me,
or he's just too free.
my mind wonders oh so tragically,
and my heart wants to be happy.

why does things change so fast,
in a blink of an eye its the past.
my heart is hurting so badly,
and its loving him madly.
i feel like crying,
or even worse, die-ing.
why does love bring u up to cloud 9,
and ends in a matter of no time.

i cant explain how i feel now,
my heart is asking how.
my thoughts are all jumbled up,
i feel like giving up.
even though i dont like what he did to me,
memories of him still wont let me be.
i want to let him go,
but my heart is saying no

what to do with my future?!

i know im not suppose to be worrying bout my future cuz God is in control. but still i need to wonder and ask what i should do right. im still thinking on what course to study next time cuz i need to go around and check colleges around malaysia. bahhh. i just hat e to think bout my studies. ugh! so pray for me. pray that i can find a course that i wanna do

trying to forget but cant

im really really trying really really really hard to forget bout him. but i dunno why.. everywhere i go or whatever i do, reminds me of him. its surely once everyday. something will happen to remind me of him. i wonder why. ugh! i was and am chatting with eden bout this. and she agreed with me. i think this happens to everyone huh. i mean there are times where i can be free and totally happy that im single.. but there are also time where i keep thinking bout him and being sad cuz he has changed SOO SOO much till i dont even know who is he anymore. sometimes i cant even believe that i even thought of having a future with him. i really thought there was a possibility. its like a part of my heart is like being negative saying that it'll never happen. but most of my heart is like being all positive and stuff thinking that we both can a future together and everything. well, we all dont know what the future brings. maybe God is like changing him to become my dream guy or maybe changing someone else to be my dream guy. i dunno what God is doing. all i can do now is trust in God believing Him to bring me a great guy who will treat me like a lady and respect me and u know being my "dream guy". haha. sometimes i really wish that God would like show me my future in a dream so that at least i know something bout my future. cuz i worry too much. but i learned something. for what u wanna spend ur time worrying when u can do something better with ur "worrying-time". im trying to put that into practice. kinda hard though. saying is easy but doing is really really tough. sometimes i look around me. i feel like my friends life is all planned out. like they know what is their purpose here, what are they gonna do next time, and so on. and when i look at myself. aw man. *decides not to look anymore* sometimes i hate myself for living life aimlessly. actually, most of the time i hate myself cuz sometimes i just feel like im not being loved. like even my mum dont even trust me thinking that ill do something naughty or whatever. i feel so sad that she doesnt even trust me.


sometimes i feel what is the purpose im here. i mean its easy to answer "text-book answers" like ohhh we're here for one purpose God! God! and everything also God. i dont mean to sound anti-spiritual here. on sunday. when we had our timbrel meeting. aunt see wei brought up a few questions and it was so easy for us to say "of course we're dancing for God. who else would we dance for" and everything. but we really have to look down in ourselves and ask ourselves. think properly. dont just answer some typical answers. i dunno whether u understand what im saying. maybe u might take it in a different way. i dont know. life is so unpredictable. u may have a great time for a period of time, then suddenly everything ends and goes out of plan. i guess things happens for a reason. maybe one day when im older and "matured", ill understand why i had to go through that problem or struggle. when i overcome problems, surely one of my friends will come up to me and tell me the problem he/she is going through. i was like woah! such a coincidence. okay okay. its not a coincidence. its God's planning. in Romans 8:28 - everything happens for the good of the ppl He loves. there is another verse which i cant remember now. since my Bible is not at home, its at school. ill post it when i take back my Bible. i really love that verse and i even shared it when i was giving my testimony. its something like God brings u to a problem and He is the God of comfort who comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others that is like going through the same thing u know. i feel its really really true. cuz it comes through everytime i overcome a problem. hehe. anyway, i think i better go and sleep. get my beauty sleep. hehe. lolz. have a blessed week ppl! and thanks for reading! *winkz*

me again. another angle. haha
Posted by Hello

me
Posted by Hello

finally.. a change.. hehe

hello hello.. i've been wanting for a change a long long time ago. cuz kinda getting bored of seeing pink everytime i post u know. u must be like woah! esther?! is this esther?! saying that she's bored of pink? haha. never!!! lolz. but its just that i've seen it tooo long di.. so need some change mar.. ppl needs a change after a while. and ppl have been complaining that my blog is tooo pink.. but i need a lil pink in everything. so now im trying pink fonts.. i wonder if it'll be nice.. hehe.. i've not been talking bout bgr right? lolz. have i? hmmmm, maybe cuz at that period of time my mind was sooo caught up with bgr.. so naturally ill write bout it. since it practically controlled my emotions.. and that time!!! haha. not now.. now God controls my mind. hehe. sorry jared if i dont reply u poem with another poem. i shall wait till my brains work on poems again. haha. its like my brains need to recover from the last poetic post to rewrite another.

yesterday i had my first day of dance class, it was super fun. i loveeeeee to dance! ahhaha. although i cant keep up in some steps. but oh well. practice makes perfect right?! haha. lolz. so need to practice and get use to dancing. cuz after that my legs hurt soooo badly. must be cuz i've never exercised for so long. i only like walk once in a while when carene is free cuz i cant walk alone around my neighborhood u know. my parents will kill me.. haha. lolz. im still sick.. its like for dunno how many million years di. well, at least now im feeling better than before. so its a good thing. hehe. praise God for that =) hehe.

second post

see. now he's like sms-ing me like crazy pretending like nothing has ever happen. and everything is like normal. its like he's thinking that ill ever forgive him of all the things he has done to me. but oh well. i forgave him long long time ago. since i need to forgive ppl right. no use keeping grudges in my heart cuz it'll only kill and hurt me not other ppl anyway. aihhh.. all i can say is that God gives and takes away. but my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name!!!!!!!!

but why?

im still wondering. u know me and my thinking. why in the first place did he get close to me? and call me everyday. sms me everyday. ask me to go out everyday. and then now. all of a sudden. no calls/sms-es from him. nothing. i hear nothing from him. he treating me like this now makes me feel like i was used. like i was a stand-by person when the other girl he likes is not free or something. i was just thinking just now. throughout this few months of me being close to him, most of the time he calls me often is cuz he needs someone to listen to him. every single time he will be the one talking and complaining bout his depression and everything and when i want to say something. he wont listen or couldnt even care bout what im saying. like that day after the undang when we were walking to the car. i said im going to malacca later. he like didnt listen and continue talking and talking. then when i was on the way to malacca.. he called me and ask me where am i. i said im on the way to malacca. he was like. why u didnt tell??!! i was like i told u okay.. u just didnt listen and shrug it off. ish ish. and i felt so dumb to even let him let go his anger on me. i cant believe it that i even ignored the fact that he was so rude to me. there was once i was in the car with jared. then he called me. so i talked for a while la. then he asked me where i was going. i said got family dinner. then he said why always also got family dinner one. then i said cuz my uncle's from u.s came back.. (like harloooo! i told u!) then he was like what's their problem?! at that time when i heard that i dont know why. but i just keep telling myself "nahhh. he's just joking and everything." but things seem to have gotten worse after that. he started to be more and more rude to me. i felt like i dont know him anymore. like he has changed so so so much. i cant believe that i even thought that me and him had a possibility of getting back together when we're older. i just cant believe it that i even THOUGHT of it! oh my goodness! well, i wish good luck and all the best to the girl who likes him and vice versa. hope that he changes before he hurts any other girl.

- goodbye to u -

of all the things i believed in
i just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but i do not cry
counting the days that pass me by

words that im hearing are starting to get old
it feels like im starting all over again
goodbye to u
goodbye to everything that i knew
u were the one that i loved
the one that i tried to hold on to

i used to get lost in ur eyes
and having butterflies
and it seemed like i couldnt live a day without u
but now it isnt true

i could finally breath again
Godly happiness, by myself i cant gain
my days were filled with rain
but now my future with God it contains

God will give me a better person one day
all i've gotta do now is pray
no need to hurry
or even worry
cuz God has His plans
everything is in His hands

haha. crapz

well, u've notice my last post was mostly regretting bout my past. but.... now... haha. after certain things that i went thru with that idiot guy. im happy to say. that im happy being single! and not thinking bout this guy in my mind. now i can concentrate on my studies, friends, and everything else besides concentrating on one person only. im really glad cuz during sunday service the pastor practically like preached everything that i need to know. like all the answers to my question. well, at least now my ketua biri-biri and my kai cheh knows what im going through like updating them with my life. im really glad that i had the courage to go and tell them cuz after service i didnt feel like telling them di. but at last i decided to tell them. hehe. im kinda lazy to write out my whole process of rough time and struggles. id rather wanna write bout my conclusion! hehe. lolz. before this sunday, i really thought that my life was so miserable, really felt so used, felt so guilty, so depressed and everything. but now i settled everything with myself and God! really glad that i went for the planet shakers concert, though i had to skip yf but it was worth it cuz i really could feel God's touch again.

*id rather*

i thought some time alone was what we really needed
u said this time would hurt more than it helps
but i couldnt see that i thought it would be the end of a beautiful story
i found out this one thing that is true
that im nothing without u
im better now. i've changed my heart

id rather have bad times with u, than good times with someone else
id rather be beside u in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
id rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
id rather have the one who holds my heart

i cant blame u if u turn away from me, like i've done to u
i can only prove the things i say with time



i thought letting go of u would be a good thing. but through a year plus. i realize how much i miss the time we were together. i started to regret letting u go. i ask my heart and wonder why did i ever do such a stupid thing. im so sorry for hurting u on the day when i decided to stop this relationship. i really thought that when we're older we still have a chance to get back together. my heart is still hoping for that day to come. i really hope that u feel the same way as me. but i think that i wont have a very high chance of that.

*how can i not love u*

cannot touch, cannot hold
cannot be together
cannot love, cannot kiss
cannot have each other
must be strong
and we must let go
cannot say what our hearts must know

how can i not love u
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want u here in my arms
how does one walk away from all of the memories
how do i not miss u when ur gone

cannot dream
cannot share sweet and tender moments
cannot feel how we feel
must pretend its over
must be brave
and we must go on
must not say what we've known all along

+. misses .+

its been a long time since i've posted cuz firstly my uncle's came back from u.s and one of my uncle are staying in my room. so i seldom get to touch my poor computer. lolz. and oh yeah. just wanna say sorry for any erm bad things i posted the other time. cuz i was too angry. i just needed to express my feelings out. lolz. i just came back from my family trip. still wondering why i went for it. i dunno why too. but oh well. at least i got to spend some "quality" time with my cousins. lolz. didnt get a chance to take pictures with them. nevermind still have a few more days. so anyway, the indoor camp thingy was kinda fun. it made me take a step of faith and coming out from my comfort zone. and i told eng kok that i wanted to back up sing. actually i wanted to start of as worship leader.. but i think back up singer will do for me.. for now! hehe. so anyway. lazy to write somemore. ill update u somemore when my uncle's go back. now im too lazy to sit here and think. since i dont want to spend so much time in "their" room. hehe.

yet another post!

why cant i just have my freedom???!!!! why why why??!!! somebody tell me... why???!!!! why is the world like that?!! why is the darn f***ing world like that??!!! what the shit man! ughhhhhhhhhh! i just cant take it anymore!!!!!! arghhhhhhhh!!!! too much too much!!! isit a sin to have my freedom??!! isit isit??!!! why is life like that?! why?! why?!

*screams*

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *PULLS HAIR!* I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!

f*** u man!

forgive me for my words! but i just cant take it!!! have u ever been betrayed by ur own family member??!! where ur own damn family dont even trust u?! darn F*** right???!!!!!! i bet u dunno how i feel since i bet u guys come from a way way better home than me. for me.. my home just basically SUCKSSSS!!! who ever is reading this.. pls DO NOT post a comment! i dont not need any of those spiritual shit right now! i just need to let go my anger.. cuz all my anger has been bottled up enough that i just cant keep it inside anymore!

one word that sums my feelings

u wouldnt appreciate what u have until its gone! *sob sob*

- going crazy -

ever since the day u went away
and left me lonely and cold
my life just hasnt been the same
when i looked into ur eyes
the moment i let u go i just broke down

baby if i ever get a chance to to be with u again
i would sacrifice
cuz the feeling that i feel within no other man would ever make me feel so right
its nice to smile when i get ur phone call at night
but i rather have u here with me
right next to me
and i miss the way u hold me tight

i've got to let u know i feel so weak without ur touch
i never thought that i could ever love a man so much
ive gotta let u know that i think that we have destiny
for u id cross the world
for u id do anything

that's right baby
im going crazy
i need to be ur lady
i been thinking lately
that u and me can make it
im in love with u

break it down then ill tell u what i feel
from the moment i met u, its been darn real
my heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
cant believe i feel so weak
tell me that u really need me
and u want me
and u miss me
and u love me
im ur lady
ill be around waiting for u
put it down be the woman for u
im falling so deep for u
crazy over u
what am i gonna do
its true
its u and no other
i can no longer go on without u
i just break down

my poem! my poem! hehe ^_^

i have this book of thoughts. and as i was reading my previous ermmm. thoughts. hehe. i came across this poem that i wrote for that someone special. and i wonder why i didnt post it here but i posted it on friendster. so im gonna post it here. and feel free to give any comments kay. i know its cacated. dont need to say that. ahha

i never knew i would fall for u,
well this day has finally come true,
nothing could make me feel better,
because its u that matters.

words cant describe how i really feel,
only God knows what is real,
what kind of signs are u sending?,
cuz i think the continuation is pending.

no feeling in this world can replace this,
sometimes i wish time could just freeze,
love is an extraordinary word,
that mades u as chirpy as a bird.

love is not just bout looks or flirting,
it is about a commitment u are keeping,
will my dreams come true?,
i really want it to, i really do.

God works in wonderous ways,
dont neglect Him, it would be such a waste,
everybody couldnt believe their ears,
for they couldnt believe what they hear.

for u, i will be here,
every second to every year,
you're the bestest friend a girl can find,
being with u is the greatest time.

to u i dedicate his poem sincerely,
hope that u live life happily,
i really want to have a future with u,
from the bottom of my heart i really do

feelings can just come and go,
traffic can pass through and fro,
but i will never let u go.
never!!! haha

:: FINALLY ::

i've finally thought things out with myself. u know how? wanna know how? hehe. lolz. as i was watching the last few episodes of triumph in the skies last night. i've learned loads of stuff from that show. really a meaningful show. teaches me loads bout life and all. one thing that zoe said that really made me think and understand a few things bout life. its something like. even there may be loads of thunderstorms and lightning and hail and raining cats & dogs. in the end. what will come out? the sun right? so at that moment. suddenly this thought like struck me. isnt it something like our daily life problems and difficulties? at that time u may think aw man. this is bad. horrible. i hate it. its the worse time of my life. but in the end. surely without fail, God will help u solve the problem. and u'll have the answers to ur problems. now that's one thing that i've finally understood. a good example eh? hehe. and then second one was from the show triumph in the skies too. last time belle and sam were together but for a short short while. then now, they are still close friends, they still care for each other as if they were still together, and they are really lovey dovey till sometimes their friends think that there's something going on between them. but that made me think. surely ur past love will have a great impact in ur life. and surely that person wont just disappear from ur heart. esp. if that guy or girl is ur first love u know. remember my last post. saying bout my first love and all. im finally over that. i've finally learned to see the bright side in difficulties. but of course sometimes being a normal human. i still dread seeing problems. but at least i get to stand back up and continue to grow in my trust in God right? pooi yian told me before that. when ur in the picture, u wont see anything nice in it, u wont see anything good in it, u'll see everything bad. but once u take a step back. and get out of the frame. and when u see the WHOLE BIG picture, u'll realize that its good and its a beautiful potrait. ugh! pray for me! i still need inspirations and things to say cuz ill be sharing or ermm. what's that word? bah. dunno. ill be erm i guess sharing during the sleep over thingy in march in march! which is like 3 weeks from now. sooo pray that ill be bold enough to stand up there. hehe

* brown eyes *

remember the first day i saw ur face?
remember the first day when u smiled at me?
u stepped to me, and then u said to me
i was the woman u dreamed about
remember the first day when u called my house?
remember the first day when u took me out?
we had butterflies although we tried to hide it
and we both had a beautiful night

the way we held each other's hand
the way we talked, the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
i knew right then and there u were the one

i know that he loves me, cuz he told me so
i know that he loves me, cuz his feelings show
when he stares at me, u see he cares for me
u see how he is so deep in love
i know that he cares for me cuz its obvious
i know that he loves me cuz its me he trusts
and he's missing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

remember the first day we kissed?
remember the first day we had an arguement?
we apologized, then we compromised
remember the first day we stopped playing games?
remember the first day u fell in love with me?
it felt so good for u to say those words
cuz i felt the same way too

im so happy that ur in my life
and that u were a part of me
u showed me,
showed me the true meaning of love
and i know he loved me so

sharing my thoughts

now i finally realize why last time lay yan, delz, and valerie stopped me from getting into a relationship. my very first relationship. just now i was just thinking. letting my mind make me go crazy. again. haha. and i was remembering bout last time. when lay yan, delz, and valerie was advising me not to go into a relationship and all. its true. i shouldnt have gone into it. well, there's a good and bad thing bout it. the good thing is that i've learned loads of stuff in a relationship. the joy, the laughter, the sorrow, the pain, the tears will always remain in my memory. the bad thing is that since that was my first relationship and my first love, i found out that i've given alot of my heart to that special someone till im finding it hard to move on. to go on in life. to look at the millions of fishes in the sea. haha. well, i guess ur first love will always remain in ur heart huh. since his the first person who took ur breath away. who swept u off ur feet. and the first person to show u the true meaning of love. i mean besides God showing He's everlasting love lerh. i just dunno larh. ill just let go and give it all up to God. giving Him all my burdens, my heartaches, my thoughts, my anxieties, my memories, my future, my everything. i really cant do alot of stuff by myself. not with my low strength, power, and knowledge. haha. lolz.

no words can describe how i feel now

do u ever wonder why do we have to go through difficulties?! have u ever think so much that u complicate urself?! maybe u might not understand what im talking bout now. but my thoughts are seriously killing me! my friends told me that im thinking too much. even i myself know that i think too much. that my thoughts make me feel worse. sometimes i just wish that i dont think so much. then things would be simple and easy. i just hate myself for thinking so much. just hate! just just just hate! argh! eden said one thing that'll always remain in my mind. she said that if God brings u to a certain problem or difficulty, He will definitely help u out and bring u out of it. but u know.. sometimes we humans tend to try to help ourselves out from it and not asking God. i can imagine God beside me. wondering when am i gonna go to Him and ask Him for help. sometimes i just hate myself. i feel like giving up. even though i know there's this verse that says that God has a purpose for me to be here. but i just cant help to think a negative part. i know that i should be bucking up in my work. but its just that i cant help but think that i cant do it. and think that its too hard for me to do. i just dont understand myself now. argh! God!!!!!!!!!!! i dont understand why must i be in this situation God? there's so many stuff that You're bringing me to that i dont understand. seriously. its like suddenly i find so many problems in my life. i just feel like i cant do anything bout it. like im not capable of doing anything. like im jsut a useless bum. is God trying to teach me something? is God trying to help me humble myself to Him and ask Him for help and not trying to solve things on my own? *tear* i just feel like giving up everything and just be a lazy bum.. can i? can i? ughhh! i just feel that my dreams, hopes, bright future, God, family, friends, everything is sooooo sooooo sooooo far far away from me now. does anyone out there understand what im saying or feeling or thinking??!!! *cries*

had a great day!

although i didnt spend valentines day with my boyfriend or a guy friend, at least i got to spend it with justina. we both felt weird when we went into the cinema and we saw couples coming in. haha. but after that we saw a few girls coming in together. so we were quite relieved. lolz. but we had a great day. had such a NICE lunch in our fav. place. mcd's. though we couldnt take much pictures but we had a great talk. had fun. hehe. loads and loads of fun. and we watched racing stripes. its so touching and funny. aw man. seriously a show worth watching. hehe. although i felt kinda sad cuz i wasnt with a boyfriend. and seeing all the couples there laughing and smiling and having a great time made me a bit depressed. and not being able to buy my fav. shoe made me even more depressed. argh! such sadness man. but i kinda feel that valentines is a kinda special day to spend with ur loved ones. its just i feel its kinda a waste of money. cuz on this very special day, the prices will be very very special too! haha. lolz. i was talking to my mum just now bout valentines day.. asking her how they created valentines day and all. she just said its the plot of the commercial ppl. like wanting to get more money and good business. i kinda feel that valentines day is like a day when u put up a really big front. like on this day, every couple will be like so adorable. so loving. so polite to each other. dining in great great restaurants. dressing alike. when every other day u should be doing all this things. and not just doing this on one day which is said to be SPECIAL. u know. after this special day, everybody will be like so stingy to even go to expensive restaurants unless its on a special occasion kinda thing. im not saying that everyone is like that. but im saying that certain ppl do this kay. i feel that every other day couples should be lovey dovey and all. and not just cuz of valentines or some special occasion u know.

successful pai kam day

today was a great and successful day to pai kam. its this project that my church youth organize since like around 3 years ago. i think. haha. time passes so fast. i cant even remember when we started this thing. anywayz, it was a great day although it was kinda hot and sweaty. but my group managed to finish up our kam's.. although we were tempted to leave the last box so that we can enjoy it too but bahh we have to bless the community first before blessing our stomach's. haha. this year i had donald in my group again. which brought me back memories of last year. haha. me, him, and aunty connie was in the same group. so we were passing out mandarin oranges.. and the semi-d houses that we were passing the mandarin oranges to, had funny and weird designs of the house. cuz they have this longkang hole at the front of the house. so we were at this house where we didnt notice that the longkang had cacated cover on it. which has a big big hole. so donald wasnt looking at the floor. suddenly we heard donald laughing and saying aiyak. then we looked down and saw him with one leg in the hole. and we were laughing and laughing as he was explaining how he felt. he said that suddenly he was wondering why he's so short and one of his leg dropped into something. haha. its was really really really funny. i tell u. then we were like saying we should say this when ppl are asking us to introduce ourself and tell our most embarassing moments. something my church always like do. hahaha.. seriously. it was so funny i tell u. ahha.

so anyway, we have loads of good comments bout the pai kam thingy. some of the gong gong and po po's asked us what we wanted in return. we were like its okay. we're blessing the community with kam's and they were kinda amazed. and one of the uncles(WHICH HAS SUPER NICE AND LONG EYELASHES) came and ask me and donald why did we want to go out and pai kam esp. for free. and he said that what our church was doing was UNIQUE!! isnt that such a good comment?! was soo happy when i heard that. when i see the ppl smilling cuz they have received our blessed kam's. haha. its so nice to see ppl taking and accepting our kam's. well, this doesnt end here. there's still loads of work to do to bring the community to Christ. at least we took the first step to touch their hearts with our "free" kam's. hehe.

prayers answered

finallY!!!! im out of the depression mode. finally!! i've overcome the feelings that i have for someone. but of course in my heart i wish i could be together with him. but oh wellz. this is so not the time to go into a relationship right? yeah yeah? i bet my leaders are agreeing with me and jumping for joy when they read what im writing now. haha. lolz. so anyway, let me continue. hrmmm.. let's start with my first prayer. i prayed that ill have the strength and patience to overcome my feelings for this guy. i really thought that it would never happen. cuz everytime i thought i've let go and continue to become good friends. surely like one day or two, or sometimes after a few hours, ill go back to the same depression mode. like thinking aw man. how i wish i can be with him. aw man. why this why that. and i will feel very very horrible after that. and ill go into a depression mode and then ill go and share it with justina and eden. really thank God for both of them. anywayz, but starting like around this week or last week. i manage to look at him everyday in school without a single feeling of sadness that i cant be together with him or even think bout him 24/7. like what is he doing now. how i wish i can be with him. holding his hand. watching movies together. talking to each other parents. going for family dinners together. but this 2 weeks. i didnt have that kinda feeling. but instead when i see him. im really happy that he's still my friend. but of course i hope to get to know him better and to be closer to him. well, all i can say now is that relationship have to wait till im 21. cuz i told Him that im offering my life to Him and letting Him take control of my life and i made a pack with Him that im going to have a relationship when im 21. so i really thank God that He has answered my prayer. that now finally im not wasting my time thinking bout him but instead now i can use my time wisely.

second prayer is that i could wake up early in the morning today!!! i promised myself to wake up early. to try to start a day off with God and see how it goes.. well, certainly it has been great! and hopefully more great days to come! im really glad that He helped me with my work and understanding my work. truely waking up early in the morning is not easy. but well, hopefully i can sacrifice my time. since time is easier to sacrifice than my life right. like Jesus, He has suffered, tortured and died for everyone. so me sacrificing my time to just spend some time with Him is just a tincy bit of thanking Him of what He has done for me. hehe. i really thank God for helping me going through problems, going through all the hardships in life. hardships in life doesnt stop here eh. i bet there's still loads to come. well, at least i have God to go through with me. hehe.

now i have a prayer request. i have a friend. he's only 13 this year. and he created this cult thingy or whatever u call it. he created this person called Holy Casandra the virgin. and stuff like that. then alot of ppl hates him now cuz he uses horrible insulting words and like hurt ppl. so alot of ppl hates him now. well, i dunno what i can do for him. i really hope that i can do something to help him. really really. i mean like what i learn this morning during my quiet time. i learned that i should stand up for my believes. for what i've been thought to do as a Christian. i dont care what other ppl may think of me. like yerrr.. why esther want to care bout him. its no big deal. but to me it is. cuz he's thinking of changing religion and he says why must we pray bout everything and all. and he's my good friend. of course i want to help him right. like what andrew asked me that day. do u want to see ur friends die-ing in hell while ur in heaven? of course not right. of course u would want ur friends to be with u in heaven right. so hopefully i can help this guy. really really. i really want to help this guy. so pray for him yeah? hehe. lolz.

-just a prayer away-

tears that fell like rain
streamed down from my heart
colors turned to gray
emptiness led the way
until i fell apart

You came to save me
to show me that

Chorus :
You're just a prayer away
No matter where i am
i know in my heart
You're never too far
when im losing my way
You're just a prayer away
my strength is in my faith
im never alone
im never afraid
cuz You're just a prayer away

when i close my eyes
Lord, i call Your name
and the dark subsides
nothing can take away of the peace i find

You came to save me
to show me that

Repeat Chorus

whenever i need to find You
i just fall on my knees
in You i find my strength that i need to live
to believe



such a meaningful song for me now. =/

argh!

hehe.. change the color of my font abit.. just for a change. cuz someone has been complaining that my website too pink. and it looks like medicine. haha. horrible person. anywayz, im kinda frustrated by life now. its like there's so much things to think so much things to do. sometimes i wonder how ppl can tahan doing so much things in one day and planning so much things to do in one day. like just now i was reading a mail from andrew. encouraging me to do quiet time. i know im suppose to be doing quiet time everyday, every morning.. spend sometime with God and all. read the Bible daily and hear from Him. but i cant seem to discipline myself in doing all those. i cant even discipline myself to concentrate on my studies man. seriously. sometimes i feel like life is soooooooo hard! as each day passes i feel like im wasting it all away. somehow i feel that no matter how much ppl advice me to do something or if there's a scripture that backs it up, i dont care. like if ppl advice me right. ill say yeah i know i know. i know im suppose to be doing that. but its REALLY REALLY hard u know. i ask myself why isit so hard. i just cant find the answer. if i myself dont know the answer, how am i gonna answer my leaders man. argh!

sometimes i really hate myself for not doing what im suppose to do. i know in my heart that im suppose to be doing this and that, this and that.. but i just cant seem to be doing that. i really dont want to go back to square one.. where ill always go to camp asking for the same things over and over again! i've set so many things in my heart which i dont push myself to accomplish it. maybe u'll say it'll be better to write it down. so what. if i write it down and remind me everyday. every time i wake up i read it. its gonna go to waste. its not gonna work for someone like me. i just feel that being a Christian is so not easy. its like there's so much things u have to give up, so much things u have to do. truely being a Christian is not an easy job. seriously. esp. when ur classified as an "matured or older Christian" ill feel so pressured to be an example, to show a huge difference, to be the one for younger and new Christians to look up to. sometimes i just feel like giving up! like i really really want someone to give me the answers to my questions. but how can i ask someone to answer my questions when i dunno what are they. its like i know its somewhere deep down in my heart. all bottled up. but i just dunno where.

i really really really feel like giving up! like stop going to church, stop going for prayer meetings, stop praying, stop worshipping, stop going crazy for God, stop doing everything. when i think of all the things i have to do. think of all the giving up i have to do. i know im suppose to do all that. but i dont know why i dont want to do it! i really really really feel like screaming!!!!! i dunno whether this is the devil's work or what. but seriously! i want to cry! i always concentrate on stuff which i dont hav e to concentrate bout. its like i've wasted all my time and energy thinking bout stuff which i should just leave it all to God. sometimes i just wish everyday. i just need to go for conferences. like Planet Shakers conference or something. like everyday wake up early in the morning. go and be energized everyday. ishhhh. when i read the mail that andrew sent me. including the website and verse. its like im being reminded again and again what i should be doing. but i dunno why i dont do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me someone!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dunno what's wrong with me. its like i've always have DMC. and they advice me to do this that and all. i know everything. i know what im suppose to be doing. BUT WHY ARENT I DOING IT????!!!!!! why????!!!!!

just now when i read the verse from James 4:17 - "To him who knows what is good and does not do it, to him it is sin." i was like oh my goodness. and that made me think more and more. hate myself more and more bout why am i not doing all the things that i know. its like i know how to talk the talk but why i dunno how to walk the talk??!!! do i sound like a hypocrite now? i dunno whether i've mention this before. but there was once i was praying and talking to God. then i told Him that im so tired of doing all the things im doing now. like there's no passion anymore. and i told Him why dont take my life away and give it to someone who appreciates it more. since i dont appreciate this life You give me. why dont You take it and give it to someone else who will use this opportunity, this chance to do good. to make a difference. i've reach to this point where i just want to give up everything!

when i told my friend that i've decided to do this this this. then he was like look who's talking. i really felt like oh my goodness.. instead of him like encouraging me to do it and all. he said look who's talking. did i really talk alot bout stuff which i want to do but i didnt do it? did i? have u ever noticed? do i take things for granted? and dont appreciate what i have? do i sound really selfish to God and dont care bout how He feels? have anyone of u who's reading this ever feel the same way as me? do anyone understand me? do u do u? i feel like there's so much things in my mind right now. *tear* luckily there's no one chatting with me. if not i wont be able to write down how i really feel. cuz most of the time, when im blogging. ppl will be chatting with me.

i so hate dreams now!

sometimes i really wonder why must we dream. isit because we think too much bout a certain thing or situation? that's why we dream what we are thinking or worrying so much? someone pls tell me how do u take away dreams? like can we off a certain part of us to stop dreaming? maybe it sounds funny cuz why would someone think of offing our dreams. seriously! cuz dreams has been affecting me lately.. its not cuz im having scary dreams. its cuz i've been thinking bout something too much lately. so when i dream it happens. and ill wake up really miserable! this morning when i wake up. i didnt have the smile on my face like i used to have anymore. i really felt like dieing. okay okay. maybe im going too extreme. i dont really want to talk bout what happened in my dreams. its a long story anyway bout why i would dream or even think bout such a thing. but something that happened in my dreams really made me like stay far far away from 2 ppl. and 1 of them really mean alot to me. its u know.. my special someone. who'll always stay in my heart. and the other one is my good chee mui. i've been reminded bout something in my Bible subject. i've been saying its my have-to-do subject in my school. since its a christian school. its that we christians will undergo trials of our faith. we will not always understand the reason we are in difficult times. God, however, has a purpose in everything He allows to come our way. and the writer James wanted to encourage us by sharing with us some benefits of such trials. in James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever u face trials of many kinds, because u know that the testing of ur faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that u may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The christian will never know that God's Word in his soul is ever effective until it is applied to the test of trials. When God's Word is applied to trials, victory will be seen. Trials also deepen the christian's prayer life and provide opportunity for production and future rewards. sometimes i really feel that its SO hard to life in this world. that sometimes i even feel like dieing. seriously. i told God that im really tired of this things that im going through and that i dont want to live. i told Him that im sorry that i dont appreciate Him for creating me. i told Him why dont just take my life and give it to someone else who'll appreciate Him. but now im slowly slowly put to work all the things that i've been learning. considering all the things i've learn in my Bible. i've finally realized its not a dread learning all this things. so i guess its all in God's timing. and His timing and our timing is so different. we're like wanting everything to be fast! settle fast! do this fast! like dash. so fast in running here and there. but His timing is like teaching us to be patient, stronger, and growing more in faith. kinda like how a gold-shaper or whatever they are called. they have to put the HARD HARD HARD gold into a really hot furnace and slowly burn it till it melts. THEN they can shape it into a nice and wonderful shape. there will always be this sentence which will stay in my heart forever. in the planet shakers conference, sam evans said that the Holy Spirit is like water. who will water the soil and make it soft and easy for the planter to grow nice and big wonderful trees. and we are like the soil. we need the Holy Spirit to water us. to grow big and strong trees for God. and we were singing this song. one of the verse says that "God please dont pass me by! i dont want to leave without touching u!" truly i've learned alot in the planet shakers conference. alot of the sermons really touch my heart and kinda prepared me for what im gonna face the next few year or probably the rest of my life cuz trials and tribulations will not just end when u reach adulthood. i think it'll worsen and all. but guess how u look at it. u can choose to look at it as what i said bout what i've been reminded or like dread living and asking God why. haha. ahhhh! i feel so relieved saying all this. like a weight has been lifted of my shoulder. and im wondering what i should do next time. i wanted to be a photographer and all. but suddenly my mum was like since u like kids so much. why dont u work in a kindergarden and all. so im really wondering and asking God what He wants me to do. so continue praying for me. to see what i should do next time. *winkz* gotta get change and help my parents clean up the house so that they can move in. so gonna be busy this few days. not sure when i can blog again. hehe. take care and God bless

i forgot to mention something *blueks*

i forgot to mention that i had to BRUSH AND SCRUB the toilet bowl in school today!!! its like my whole 16 or 17 years of my life, i've never needed or asked to scrub the toilet bowl before!!!! and today. oh my goodness.. when i was scrubing the toilet i was like crying to my friend. haha. and she watched and laughed. my goodness. haha. cuz they just finish the renovations and the whole toilet was so dirty. we had to take an hour to wash 2 toilets kayy. aw man. want to die di. its like when i run water on the wall. u can see the water that flows down from the wall is BROWNNNNn!!!!!!! i almost fainted and puked.. haha. seriously.. its no joke. but i bet andrew or dunno who else is reading this is gonna be happy. haha. lolz.

long time since i've written eh

i dunno where to start writing. its like there's been loads of stuff that has been happening to me. its like all up in my brains but i just cant think where to start. haha. oh well. i just write whatever comes first. i feel the school im attending sucks. but i guess God has put me there for a purpose. sometimes its really stressful to study esp. my english is like SO hard. im trying to tell myself to study properly so that i can graduate by this year. but loads of stuff has happened and things doesnt seem to go the way i planned. i guess this goes back to putting what i've learned and what i've been telling ppl into practice. this is a time when i really have to rely on God. rely on Him and not my own understanding. sometimes i really wonder what has God planned for me. and sometimes i dont even understand what He's doing in my life. but today i was doing my Bible, and it answered my questions. it says that sometimes we dont understand what God is doing in our lives but all we have to do is lean on Him and put our trust on Him. i know i've said that my school sucks. but one things im thankful for is that i have a priviledge to study Bible as one of my subjects and i get to start the day off praying, having devotion, woshipping in school which i wont get it in normal gov. school's. today i was thinking how i wish i went to gov. school. then i wont have to suffer now. but once i came home and sit down to think bout my day. i really thank God for this priviledge i have. sometimes we all take things that we have for granted. arh. my heart aches so badly. it feels like its broken into a million gazilion pieces that nobody but God can mend it back. no matter what ppl tell me. its like going in one ear and going out the other. aw man. hearing what ppl is going through now in their relationships or watch nice romantic movies really kills me. its like aw man. i wish im going through something like that. hehe. okay okay. i shall stop this. i think its best for me not to have a relationship now. like what i told my teacher today. if i have a relationship now my studies will go down the drain. i think that's why God doesnt want me to have a relationship now. hehe. lolz.

*tears*

sometimes i wish things will be like last time. when i read back my chat logs with someone. i realize how much we can talk bout. how much we can crap and laugh. but now. things are so different. and we seldom have stuff to talk bout. why isit when u like someone. u'll be so shy. and u try to find words to say but u just cant. why did i ever like him? why must i choose to like him and make things so different now???? sighh. but i guess sometimes its hard to control ur feelings huh? esp. now. when i decide to not like him. something will happen and my heart will soften again. sometimes i just wish i can have no feelings. arghhh! its just so hard to get back up again! help me God! i really really need help! i cant stand this feeling anymore. cuz somehow. deep down inside. i feel that both of us has a chance to be together. or maybe i REALLY REALLY long for and want a chance for us 2 to be together. sometimes when i see couples together so happy and sitting in the car together after shopping at the mall. walking around shopping for clothes or furniture together. i really am jealous. and i really wish that i can do that with him. but i know my wish wont come true. cuz he likes someone else. i really feel like crying, breaking down to a million pieces. my heart is like smashed till u can even patch it back. words cant describe my feeling now. u just have to experience the same thing as im experiencing now. then u'll know. i think i better stop talking bout this thing. if not i really am gonna die. jump down from my condo. then u guys can see me in heaven. okay okay. i shall stop di. so ppl who is reading this. pls dont add any comment.